|Reviews for Gramophone|
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 8/25/2012
First off, I love the use of “Gramophone” it’s a beautiful word all by itself, however you use here makes the poem feel very timeless and nostalgic, due to the fact that gramophones predate stereo’s and no one even used the word stereo anymore.
I really like how you’ve turned paper and pen into secondary characters, behind the narrator only and how paper has a face and pen has blood. Really strong metaphor here. I also like how the poem seems to display two actions simultaneously taking place – first the dancer in a dance, and then a car driving toward danger. The undertone of danger is present throughout. As a reader I could tell that something bad was about to do down, and your ending note was very strong in tying things up.
The only thing that I didn’t flow smoothly was: “across the ice: / black ice” I think the use of ice so close together tripped me up when I read it. Maybe if you change it to just black ice, being that that’s what it is, I think it might be easier on the structure. Nice job, keep up the good work.
| dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 8/1/2012
Congrats on winning the Review Marathon, and mega congrats on beating the record! Here's your prize review:
I love how scattered this imagery is-like, with every word, I actually have no idea what is coming next to complete the image. It's like a series of mini cliff-hangers. Besides giving this an exciting, driving feeling, it makes the imagery both scattered and comprehensive. It's almost like a montage view of a scene you're trying to create. Very interesting scope captured in a poem.
There were a few points where the wording threw me:
[Pen stains lines of lyric blood] I first read "stains" as a noun, not a verb.
[The little rock skipping across the floor] I feel like "skipping" should be "skips."
[then slows some more] Not so much awkward wording, but I don't like the word "some." It sounds too casual for the tone of the piece.
There were some images I really loved, though.
[skims across paper's face] I like that image of paper because it wasn't something I'd expect to match the image.
[ lines of lyric blood] Great blending of the senses.
[And the water breaks free and sinks] Water sinking? I'm not sure what this images is actually saying, but it's intriguing.
| blueagle246 chapter 1 . 7/16/2012
Great poem! I really like the sense of imagery.
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 7/15/2012
Thanks for your review awhile back they were really in depth. Sorry for the delay in returning them. I was way behind, but the Review Marathon (link in my profile) is a good excuse to catch up!
I like this. It's a really unique and well done description of a gramophone. Without the ending or the title it would be hard to guess what it is, but that makes it even cooler 'cause you get to piece it together once you get the end. I also thought your descriptions were really great. They flowed into each other really well.
| FrostKnight chapter 1 . 7/9/2012
So. I wasn't expecting the second stanza at all. I liked the anonymous use of the words, especially the third line of the first stanza. At first, it seemed bleak, despairing; the first stanza reminds me of a car crash on an icy night. Beautiful use of details, of adjectives... and the continuous use of the spinner at the beginning of both. The second stanza is more ethereal than the first, peaceful. The dancer is breaking free of life, or prehaps resigned to his/her fate and decides to spend the last moments in peace and tranquility.
"The needle falls, blunt and worn" reminds me of a weary soul, exhausted and windtossed.
This could also signify an author and their work. The word pen, lyric blood, the spinner could be the very tip, the author is pondering, writing, nearing the end of the story when "the music stops".
"And the top shimmers" shows some defiance in the person's fate, some type of glow...
The first line is introducing you to this life or story, perhaps a life in a story, delving into the lines of the paper and living the character's life yourself.
I would go deeper into interpretting this, but my thoughts are going everywhere. Sorry about that.
Anyway, hope that was helpful. Wonderful piece, something to be proud of. It's a plus that it was inspired by a Friedrich Nietsche quote. He has such inspiring ones. :) Good day to you!
| Who Is This Girl Anyway chapter 1 . 7/6/2012
You have some lovely imagery in this, for example "lyric blood" stood out to me. There was a very nice flow to the poem and after reading it aloud I didn't catch anywhere that sounded clunky, if that makes sense.
Having said that, I think this could have done with perhaps being longer. That's really my only criticism of this at the moment. I wish I could be of more help, but there's very little I can think of. You've done a fairly good job of this, though there are some of your poems which I prefer.
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 7/4/2012
I'm admittedly terrible at reading poetry so I'm not sure how much help I'll be. You have some interesting images in this, but I wasn't really sure what was happening, particularly in the second part. I think your allusions all implied a certain fragility and impending imbalance in the poem that intrigued me. The black ice and car crash were a good solid thing to build to in that. But I wasn't sure what the second stanza was about, or how they were related. The car crash in the first stanza was a substantial image and one that was built upon in a few lines, but the second seemed to call forth a different idea for each line without showing how they connected. It felt a little disjointed to me. Still, take this with a grain of salt in that poetry has always felt like a foreign language to me. I'm glad to see some poetry in the WCC this month because it's been a while since we've had much. Good luck in the WCC!
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 7/3/2012
The only small edit I would make is the difference between "ground" and "floor" in the second stanza. Normally I wouldn't notice that it's referred to "ground", but then since you refer to it a second time but call it "floor", it became a little distracting to me that the same word wasn't used - that might be the prose-writer in me talking though, because I'm not sure I would like the stanza the same if two lines ended in the same word. Maybe there's a different way to re-work one of them?
Anyway, I really enjoyed the first stanza, though I felt it was very different than the second. I liked that, I think it correlates with the car accident well, I got this kind of cool image like the car accident was sliding into the ballroom (though I know it wasn't), but on a more figurative level. I liked the line about the fell pine tree and the sledgehammer, well done there. The images appear very eclectic to me, but I like the nature oriented ones like the spider's web and stuff. This sounds silly too, but this reminds me of the movei Save the Last Dance because the ballet dancer in that lost her mom in a car accident while she was trying to audition for a place in Julliard - so I felt like a similar thing might be happening here. Someone is dying in a car accident and someone is dancing on a stage at the same time.
Overall I think this works with the prompt well and I like that. It's inventive and I think it encompasses both death and life with an overall theme of music. Best of luck in the WCC!