|Reviews for Sword and Sorceress|
| Vernelley chapter 15 . 11/13/2013
Hello there, returning your review from, um... 4 months ago? Sorry, been busy with classes and exams :U
I won't really comment too much on technical stuff like punctuation and grammar because I'll assume some of your more up-to-date readers have already picked out things like that, so I'll just focus on the events and characters. :)
The reactions from each character at this little reunion are more or less what I'd expect from them. Kridko and Gana seem happy enough to see Amber, and Renarn is... well, Renarn. :) But I think it reflects how well you've developed their characters in the earlier chapters. One thing I might comment on is Amber's reaction to finding the sorcerers have been bled. I'd expect her to be a little more concerned than she seems to be; here she only seems slightly affected when Broul mentions it, but when she sees the bandages herself she doesn't really seem too react to it emotionally? Maybe even a little action like cringing at the sight would help.
Other than that, I feel the character interactions are pretty realistic. They're in a situation where they have to pretend they don't know each other, despite having travelled together for a while. At the same time they have things they need to tell each other but not the freedom to do it. I wonder how she'll help them escape their predicament though, it doesn't seem like a simple feat given that they're under fairly heavy guard.
I'm still curious about Caspar and whether they'll end up running into him along the way. I can't help but think he's important. It'd be interesting to see how things progress.
Overall I thought it was a solid chapter. Maybe a little on the short side but nothing wrong with that. I hope this review helped somehow (I'm a bit rusty unfortunately), and sorry again for the late return!
| Kay Iscah chapter 24 . 8/22/2013
I can't believe I'm actually caught up. Long PM with all my proofreading notes coming. Your punctuation makes me nuts, but you have so many really beautiful sentences. I love your descriptions. I'm eagerly awaiting more chapters.
General comments: I appreciate the slow, steady progress in Amber and Renarn's relationship. I groaned a little when he turned out to be a prince, but I like the way you're handling it. Makes me think of Strider, without being an Aragorn clone.
I'm having trouble being sympathetic to Amber's choice to withhold some rather important information. She's been given several good opportunities to come clean, and particularly now that she understands what's been happening to her, it's getting a little annoying to have her sit on it.
| Kay Iscah chapter 22 . 8/22/2013
The sudden miraculous triple reunion feels a little too convenient, but I can maybe get over it if there's a good explanation.
| Kay Iscah chapter 21 . 8/22/2013
I expected more of a reaction to the "majesty" comment...but *squee* shippy goodness.
| Kay Iscah chapter 20 . 8/22/2013
Really hard to know if major changes are need without knowing what's coming up...aside from things I've already noted. But those are mostly minor changes.
| Kay Iscah chapter 19 . 8/22/2013
Amber is hitting on a pet peeve of mine, not sharing information that the group clearly should know. I can follow her reasoning to a point, but it seems very selfish now that it's clear what's going on.
| Vivace.Assai chapter 6 . 8/22/2013
Okay! Finally found time again to get back to this story and review! :)
[I ground my teeth.] Tense shift. It should be "grounded."
Okay, I really liked this chapter. It wasn't the most eventful chapter of the story thus far, but the pacing was still really nice. I like how you draw things out for a reasonable amount before you move on into other parts of the story. It keeps the readers alert and into the story. I also enjoyed some of the foreshadowing you have in this chapter, from Renarn's comment about who he was before the Moritani came to Amber's weird dreams that seem to have A LOT of significance. I'm excited to see how this plot plays out and understand more about what is happening with Amber. :D
But what made me love this chapter the most was your characterization. Through the dialogue and character's actions alone, I was able to ascertain a lot about the four characters. Gana seems to be as mysterious as ever but also powerful and skilled. Kridko continues to be childish in a way and light-spirited. Renarn seems to have a lot more to him than meets the eye; I also like how he's slowly warming up to Amber-he's not entirely all friendly with her but you can see he's impressed with her at some moments. Amber, most of all, continues to show how much development she needs to undergo. At the beginning of this chapter, Amber really showed how spoiled she was, as she complained about how she had to do work because the sorcerers were too tired from using their powers. But midway through, when she was practicing combat, you could see she has this willpower and desire to prove herself (which was really nice to see)! I see a lot of potential with Amber in terms of development, and that is why I loved this chapter-it really established that for me.
I'm excited to read more of this (though I might not be able to find time in the coming months due to the school year starting again)! You're doing quite excellently with this story! :)
Thanks for the great read!
| Erlich chapter 1 . 8/11/2013
Absolutely brilliant! Here's a list of the things I love:
1. Your writing style - elegant without being overdone
2. Your pace - 99% of the time you gave the perfect amount of detail, easily the most challenging component of novel composition.
3. Your plot - It sucked me right in from the beginning. The "burning" scene added just the right hint of excitement to really endear the story (and Amber) to me.
4. Your world - This was probably my favorite of all four of these. You have a fantastic foundation for this thing, and it really shows.
The rest of this is whatever popped into my head as I read.
I love the quotes from the tome. They really suck me into the story and build that fantasy-esque atmosphere.
"...up, some clustered talking in the doorway." This just read a bit awkwardly for me. Maybe, "... several gathered around the doorway in conversation," or something.
"Dazzling heat subsumed me. Through my panic and fear I smelt burning and heard shrieks from the Sisters of Wevc." I'm not sure that I would stick with "subsumed" here. I'm assuming you're trying to relegate her hands to a categorical subheading of her body in general, but I'm thinking there might an easier way to convey that. Also, I think you want "smelled" instead of "smelt" (which is what you do to purify metals and whatnot ;-P)
"..the dazzling pain gave way to the twilight streaming through the library windows..." Though this was beautifully composed, I had a hard time with the connection between a feeling of pain and the visual image of light. Generally, when one thing "gives way" to another, I expect a more parallel relationship between the two, so maybe the pain gives way to an odd tingling sensation or something. Hope that makes as much sense as it did in my head, lol.
So not even halfway through and I'm in total awe of your world-building prowess. So soon and you've already got me completely enraptured in what feels like a new reality. Very well done (it's no wonder Kay Iscah has you on her "Why aren't you reading this" list ;-P).
"...had banned magic when the first conquered Hetges..." I think "the" should be "they."
"I tried to shove the unease at this thought away..." Felt a bit awkward. Maybe just "I tried to disuade myself of the unease swelling in my gut, but it sank..." Well maybe, that sounds too manly for your MC, but I gave it a shot. ;-P
"Everyone was in some awe of her." The word "some" caused a bit of a hiccup for me. I think the sentence would be rock-awesome without it.
"then said finally, 'all right...'" Need to capitalize "all." Also, you might consider capitalizing "healer" in "Sister healer." Seems like a title applied to a person, but I wasn't positive. "'However...' here she hesitated" Also need to capitalize "here."
"I was glad when I could put out the little flame, feeling as if I could now extinguish my unease left over from the unexpected magical flames of the afternoon." I would consider rewriting this sentence. It doesn't feel like it's on the level with the bar you've set throughout the rest of your writing. Maybe "... the little flame, my anxiety settling as the light winked out." Or something... probably not that. ;-P I'm useless, I know. Also: "...but sleep arrived broken and nightmarish." I would try something other than "arrived." Maybe "... but sleep came in waves, broken and nightmarish."
"Treeeeeon!" You might through in a few extra "o's" in there as well. Otherwise it just looks like she holds out the "e" and then abruptly stops at the onset of the "o" sound.
"I leap backwards into a contortion of a somersault..." Maybe just "... into a mid-air somersault" or "I leap into a backflip..."
"... staring into the heart of the other. The other is a woman..." Since you just said "other" maybe just say "She is a woman..." Also, I can see that you love semi-colons, but I would practice using them sparingly. They're more eye-catching than commas and periods, and the last you want to do is have your reader taking note of your punctuation when they should be drowning in the sweet nectar of your story.
"The fact of a visitor was a lucky thing for me..." Maybe "presence" instead of "fact."
"...to berate me for lazing all day." Need "about" after "lazing."
When you say "Priestesses' office" and whatnot, does it belong to multiple Priestesses? If so, cool. Otherwise, I think it would just be the "Priestess' office." Actually, years ago the "Priestess's office" would have been correct, as well... might still be, I have no clue (stupid grammar police ;-P).
"You could say I've stirred up a dragon's nest or two of trouble..." I think you threw in "of trouble" so the reader would know you didn't mean a literal dragon's nest, but I feel like "you could say" implies that he's speaking metaphorically, so you might consider removing the last two words to make it read more smoothly.
"...skirting the court-yard garden." I believe courtyard is one word. By the way, that thing I said about world-building earlier, double it ;-P Very impressive stuff.
"...with a toy wooden sword." I would swap "toy" and "wooden."
" Memories of laugher and speed and bruises and more laughter..." I wasn't sure what the "speed" reference was getting at, and it was a bit of a hiccup for me.
"...strongly built and grim and dark." I've seen this in several places now, so I thought I'd mention it. Your use of "thing 1 and thing 2 and thing 3" reads like a kind of monotone list. I would consider revising, not the meat of the thing, but the structure with which you convey it.
"...and now I noticed how worn..." Because of the perspective you've taken (past participle, is it?) with this story, I would strongly advise completely staying away from present-tense references like "now" and "currently."
"...with a stranger to relive the dullness of my life." I think maybe that should have been "relieve."
"My thoughts were still bleak when I lay down to sleep, on my narrow hard pallet in the dormitory." I felt like the story just sort of lurched ahead here without warning. I can't speak for other readers, but I would have prefered a little narration as she finished dinner and headed down the hall or what-have-you.
" off the high vaulted stone ceiling." Need a hyphen between "high" and "vaulted."
"I groaned and tossed and turned about..." Another list.
"I woke with a yelp to the uncomfortable shock of being shaken." I would change the "to" to "at" since you're talking about the impetus behind the "yelp."
Fantastic ending! If I read this chapter in a bookstore before deciding yay or nay, I'd have to vote yay just to get home and find out what that was all about!
| Guest chapter 24 . 8/7/2013
I LOVE IT! update soon cant wait to read it!
| The lone canine chapter 24 . 7/19/2013
Seems like a shorter chapter than last but oh well, it was awesome anyways :)
Also, congrats on almost hitting 200 reviews! That's a huge mark!
| The lone canine chapter 23 . 7/18/2013
Surprise surprise surprise! I wasn't expecting that! Wow, surprise end of the chapter! So Renarn is the king... I did not expect such a twist, nicely executed in the writing! You didn't give away too much (i think so anyways), and so I was truly surprised. The chapter in general was really good! So well done.
| Wallflower.x chapter 1 . 7/17/2013
oh wow! I've never read a story on this website before in this particular genre. And I have to say... I love this. You have such a talent for writing! This captured my attention from the very beginning and I'm so excited to read more, in fact I think I'll be up well into the night reading this! I love your descriptions and dialogue! :)
| Vivace.Assai chapter 5 . 7/15/2013
Well, this chapter had some action which was definitely nice! I felt you described the tension and fear that came with the Hunter and the chase very nicely. The narration was brief and focused on events (rather than overkilling it with Amber's thoughts-not that you ever do that), giving an impression of how frantic everything was, Talking about narration, I like your balance between self-reflection and action in this story. Using first person narration can cause a story to drag on if the writer focuses too much on the character's feelings and emotions (as I am slightly guilty of, haha), but you write in first person just wonderfully! :)
I like the context we're finally given about Kridko and Renarn, and I'm interested to learn more about them and their pasts. I'm not sure if the story ever mentioned this before, but I'm curious why the Moritani hates sorcerors so much and what has happened to most of the sorcerors. I'm excited to learn more about this world, since it definitely seems interesting.
I don't really have much to complain about this chapter; it was both well-written and incredibly interesting! Excited to see how the plot thickens and thanks for the great read! :D
| Lorna chapter 24 . 7/14/2013
GAH! Another cliff-hanger? Well, can't complain really, since you updated so quickly! The tension is really killing me, though, I love this great build up you have. Stringing me along every chapter without fail. I'm starting to feel a little suspicious of Caspar, myself though. There seems to be a large gap in his story that's been bugging me for a while, and now this odd behaviour to boot. It's almost like he's using Amber as shield against suspicion, and that doesn't bode well.
Fantastic, as always! Desperate for the next update, however ;)
| MorWolfMor chapter 23 . 7/10/2013
Wow, this is quite good :) once I started reading, I couldn't stop :3 I look forward to the next chapter! Great Job on the story so far, love, it's really very well done :)