|Reviews for Somni|
| mingsquared chapter 1 . 7/17/2012
Hello from the Roadhouse!
This is an interesting start to a story, albeit a slow one. I appreciate you trying to introduce all the characters, but I would prefer something more exciting in an opening chapter. But don't worry about it too much, I do the same things with my stories sometimes xD. With that being said, the emotions and feelings were described very nicely. The only problem I have with this story is the misplacement and sometimes lack of commas. It makes the story kind of awkward to read. Also, some sentences should be separated into two. For example:
[The first thing I remember is the almost intolerable cold which gripped my body from all directions[,] causing my limbs to become numb and unable to move.] Comma needed.
[With only memories starting what was probably mere seconds but to me felt like hours[,] I would try to shiver only to find I could not even perform this luxury.] Comma needed.
[The voices from before had stopped[,] though I could tell I wasn't alone.] Comma needed.
[ Maybe it was because of the many impossibilities of the situation[,] but I didn't find it surprising to find that the boys ears...] Comma needed.
[As he spoke he once more turned his eyes to myself[,] it had not occurred to me until it had been mentioned but it was true that I had no name, or if I did it was not one I could remember.] The comma in brackets should be replaced with a period, and this sentence should be two separate sentences.
[Abner nodded in agreement[,] it seemed that he had been thinking the same thing and yet his mind seemed to be elsewhere. ] Same as above.
Just take some more time to edit. If you can't do it yourself, try getting a beta reader to help you.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 7/16/2012
From the Roadhouse
With only memories starting what was probably mere seconds but to me felt like hours... [This definitely would benefit from a comma after "starting", otherwise the phrasing sounds really off.]
As I lay here lost in my own thoughts... ["lay here" is in present tense, and so far this paragraph is written in past. Remember to always stick to one tense when writing with few exceptions. It should read "As I lie there" or even just, "As I lie in my own thoughts" and forget the unneeded "there"]
Is there a reason that Vix speaks with contractions half the time, and doesn't use contractions the other half? Just curious - it kind of sounds/looks strange to me and I'm not sure if it's really a successful accent if that's what you're going for.
"Ok, I've got it." ["Ok" should be either, "OK" (with capitals) or "okay"]
for the first 3 days people aren't capable of speaking... [Spell out all numbers under around 101 I think, unless you're using the numerical form on purpose - It doesn't come off that way to me, though]
Vixen seemed to be friendly... [I've noticed that you call Vixen, Vixen *and* Vix in the narration. I would suggest picking one of these names and using it throughout the narration, staying consistent with what you call her. Maybe only have people refer to her as "Vix" in the dialogue, or vis versa, but the narration should really just stick to one name, especially when you also have another main character with such a similar name, Valant. I would suggest changing that too, to something less similar, but I'm guessing you probably have an attachment to the names and there's nothing wrong with that. Just maybe keep it in mind if you ever re-draft this later for publishing, etc.]
"It's a cute name." Baird said... [Needs a comma after "name" instead of a period]
...it didn't really matter in a place like this... [I feel this is an odd thing for Valant to think - I mean, how does she know it doesn't matter in a place like this? Why does she think that, what does the setting indicate about memories not mattering? Does she know where she is, then? It was a little presumptuous given her situation of confusion, and made me double-take thinking I might've missed something concerning the setting.]
Hmm interesting ending - I feel like it might be foreshadowing, especially given the title of the story. Also interesting your username is Baird - I'm wondering what the correlation is, or if it means anything that this specific character is the author of the story. Anyway, for a first chapter admittedly it started a bit slow with pacing for me. Everything settled in so calmly, I was kind of looking for more of a punchy opening. Perhaps more panic from Valant. But she was very calm and collected through the whole thing, as if she wakes up with no memories all the time. That made things a little slow for me since instead of being scared, in pain, or panicking, she just calmly described everything in detail. Wasn't what I expected from someone having gone through that sort of trauma.
Waiting to see some personalities develop between Vix, Abner, and Baird. Right now they all seem the same - helpful and friendly. Their attitudes kind of meld together, so I'd love to see some individuality from them later on, anger, depression, anything that might separate them depth-wise.
The writing was good, I think it got better as the story continued, and though there was some tension between formal and informal dialogues, overall it had good flow and I could follow along with relative ease. Would've appreciated more outward setting description perhaps involving more of the five senses, touch, taste, smell especially, instead of so much inward thinking. But we do get a really good sense of Valant's character in this first chapter and I feel that's important. Overall a solid first chapter, thanks for the read :)