|Reviews for The Dream Apex|
| Richard S. O'Day chapter 1 . 7/26/2012
Good chapter. I enjoyed the dialogue between Kyle and Katrina, you can tell they know each other very well. You should tell the audience how old they are at some point, which you probably are planning to do. I want to see where this is going, so I shall keep reading. Great start!
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 2 . 7/24/2012
The last line of this was damn good. I'm wondering what exactly is the source of this vortex. Again, here are some things I noticed.
His face scrunched up in disgust as they walked past a particularly nasty pile of garbage - what was so particularly nasty about it in comparison to other piles?
Katrina rolled her eyes - again, just be mindful of how many times you use an action. Space out the rolling of the eyes and what not if you can.
Over the course of those few minutes it took for them to reach the junkyard, the storm had grown steadily worse. The sky was a sickly green - just seems to me that if the storm was that close, it would have been more noticeable before. I would have been like "Are you serious, Mr. Goff? Look at those storm clouds. It's going to rain any minute, and you want me to walk to the dump? Are you that sadistic?". Also, the sky's green? That sight alone would make me stop and stare. You know some magical or apocalyptic shit is going down when the sky's green.
Katrina shook her head in agreement - did she shake her head to be ironic?
As they were leaving, a bright light in her peripheral vision distracted Katrina, causing her to stop dead in her track - and the green sky didn't?
I think we should just forget we ever saw it and go home - I'm not sure anyone would say this. When you see a vortex, you tell everyone about it, especially when you see it with another person. You might be hesitant to tell others if you see it by yourself, because you don't appreciate the idea of everyone thinking you're insane.
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 1 . 7/24/2012
I enjoyed the banter between Katrina and Kyle, especially when it's interjected into the story towards the chapter's end. More of that over coming chapters would go awesomely. You've definitely got a strong grasp of grammar and punctuation, which always makes reading that much easier. I would suggest maybe bolstering the size of the chapter, as its short even when compared to most children's fiction...though shorter chapters seem to give your story a greater chance of being read on this website, so I guess it's a balancing act in the end.
A few things that jumped out at me:
"I thought it was a Wednesday?" Kyle asked curiously, cocking his head - I'm not sure if the curious goes well here. He seems to be more confused than curious, so just a cock of the head would arguably suffice.
the ball ricocheting all the way into Mr. Goff's, Katrina's neighbor, yard - how the information is structured now just makes it a little stop-start. If I were to be so bold, I would reshape it into 'the yard of Mr. Goff, Katrina's neighbor'.
Katrina cocked her head, smirking - just be mindful of repetition of actions. There's been a couple of head cocks (ha, dickheads. Funny) and smirks already, and while there's no real writing laws that forbid such a thing, the reader does pick up of them. I always look over my writing for verbs and what not that I think are ordinary, but could be transformed through the use of a clever simile or a 'show, don't tell'.
Mr. Goff smiled. "That's good. Not getting into any trouble, I hope?" He winked at Katrina.
Katrina laughed and winked back. "Not me, sir! Although, I'd watch out for Kyle if I were you!" - This exchange just feels a little Sesame Street to me; the sort of thing you'd see in an 80's kids show. Everyone's smiling and winking. I think you could afford to play it more relaxed here, because as it stands it seems a little...corny. Definitely no offence intended, of course.
Mr. Goff giggled - I don't think men should ever giggle, unless doing so highlights a characteristic trait. A giggling man is an unsettling sight.
It seemed to become suddenly dark, as ominous storm clouds surrounded the sky above the dump - I would remove the 'seemed' and replace 'surrounded' with 'covered' or another word of similar meaning.
On to the next chappy.
| mingsquared chapter 2 . 7/19/2012
This is not a bad start, but I feel Chapter 1 and 2 were a bit too short to establish Katrina and Kyle's relationship. I hope you can go more into detail about that in future chapters. It'll be interesting to see what they do in this new universe. Great work!
| Total Light chapter 2 . 7/18/2012
I like this! It's quite interesting! It's funny, intriguing, entertaining... Keep going!
(I'll take Doctor Who please. And his TARDIS too if you don't mind.)
| Total Light chapter 1 . 7/17/2012
Nice, intriguing. I'll be looking forward for more!