|Reviews for Phoenicia: The Light of Aether|
| Melanie Brutalie chapter 6 . 6/27/2013
pretty good. Really liked it!
| Simbeswore chapter 6 . 6/12/2013
Haha! You finally posted. You're true to your word, eh? But technically you posted it after midnight...so I guess you didn't really post it on Tuesday :) :P
Ahh! About the chapter...It sure is long :D
The only thing that I felt was a unusual was that they were leaving their country just because they were in a riot/massacre. It seems a little strange that the first thing that comes into their minds is to run away from Bonum Annulum. There must be some other way to get past this mess.
I'm not really criticizing the plot. I just think it is not clear to the readers. Maybe they think of running away because the police is really cruel and crazy. Or maybe THIS is how Bonum Annulum really works- with people getting killed by their own police and the situations covered up by the government (this point seemed legitimate). But either way, explaining this knowledge to the readers within this chapter was rusty.
I would have preferred that they think of doing something else to get rid of this situation, maybe go back to their families and then the police comes back and they see no other way and THEN they decide to leave the country.
No errors were spotted by me :)
Otherwise the writing was splendid. I really enjoy your style. The descriptions were great and I'm happy to see the story progress forward. I believe this chapter was a turning point for this arc. Can't wait to see what happens next.
Hahahahaha... I can't believe that Nefion got slapped. As funny as this seems to me now, when I first read that I felt a little awkward because I've never imagined anyone daring to slap him. Adelaide is something. I think I'm beginning to like her. She's done the unthinkable (at least for me). But I guess he kind of deserved it. He was really rude. But I think you wrote him quite well. :)
Hmm...If Grace says this-
"she was sure that she and him would never get along. As long as she was sane, Nefion would be her enemy."
I'm willing to bet that they are going to end up together (Nefion and Grace) or at least there will be something. :)
And I can't believe Adelaide has the energy to talk so much. Even in such dire situations.
Yay! You finished The Lost Hero. Isn't it amazing? The next part is great too, but The Mark of Athena(the 3rd installment) is really something.
Um...how about a nice chapter from Burning Bright in a few days? :)
Have a nice day! Enjoy! :) :D
| Simbeswore chapter 5 . 5/29/2013
What can I say? You made me REALLLLYYYYYY happy by posting a chapter :) . I thoroughly enjoyed it especially since it had a lot of action and plot.
And you broke off the chapter at the right point.
So Catherine is dead? And Celio. I wonder what has happened to him and whether Nefion will do something about it.
Hahaha...I can understand why Nefion would like to murder Adelaide. He is like that :)
The chapter was written quite well. I loved the fast flow of the chapter. It suited the situation well and was written nicely :) I noticed a few errors here and there but this is still the unedited chapter.
Okay...I noticed one more thing. In the previous chapter Nefion was wearing a white military jacket and here he's wearing a dark one. :P
OHhhhhhh! I'm curious to know what will happen next :)
| Simbeswore chapter 1 . 5/15/2013
So, yeah since I'm not allowed to review for a chapter more than once so I'm reviewing for chapter 4 again. But it's a little critical this time. The first time around I was lost in the moment.
"As she leaped forwards, loud bangs went off in the distance, as if a gun show was celebrating in the background distance."
Hmm...so here I think instead of 'background distance', 'distant background' would be more suitable.
"Faintly, Nefion heard screams ringing all around him, echoing back and forth, back and forth."
Here the words 'back and forth' need not be repeated since the desired effect is not really achieved.
Except these I didn't notice anything worth mentioning. :)
Since this is the first time I'm giving you constructive criticism I want you to know that these are just my opinions. Don't take anything to heart(which I'm sure you won't... :D). I'm not nearly as good as a writer as you but I just thought I should point somethings out since constructive criticism helps writers to improve.
Happy writing! :)
| Melanie Brutalie chapter 4 . 5/14/2013
Jesus! That was terrible. Not the story how the police was shooting everybody. *blush* maybe I should have said that first. Anywho, can't wait to see what's gonna happen next!
| Simbeswore chapter 4 . 5/14/2013
Don't tell me! It SEEMS Nefion has got a crush(I could be wrong. Sorry if I'm misunderstanding things)... I wasn't expecting it so soon in the story and I was definitely not expecting it from Nefion...Interesting. :)
"He felt breathless, unable to focus on anything but the candlestick woman. Never before had he seen something like this happen, never before had he ever seen somebody like this. He didn't know what to think. A mix of surprised emotions crept up inside of him. Panic. Vulnerability. Nervousness. Curiosity. Surprise."
Nefion...you sneaky little guy,you... :P
Adelaide is...um...bossy but an intriguing character.
Celio, a prankster? I love it! :) He's a complete contrast to Nefion.
I'm worried about Grace and now Nefion's in it too. And I guess somewhere Adelaide will join this ruckus.
Anyway the chapter was well written. The descriptions and the dialogues were nicely done.
I just felt the ending wasn't too great. The chapter was a long one, no doubt, but it didn't hold much content per say. I was hoping that these three characters would at least meet in the end and the story would progress to a next level. Somehow this chapter seemed like a part of character introductions or a filler chapter before the plot seeps in. The characters haven't had any interaction yet.
The fact that the chapter was a cliffhanger isn't much help. I want to know what happens next! Gaaaahhhhh!
Overall the chapter was lovely and having a new character was refreshing. I enjoyed it! :)
Have a nice day! :D
| Simbeswore chapter 3 . 5/11/2013
I love how you can easily represent this country even without explaining it in many long paragraphs. The characters and their surrounding and their thoughts just say it all. Really good work done! I feel sorry for Grace. It's like she has to be the most responsible one in the family...or...what's left of it.
| Simbeswore chapter 2 . 5/11/2013
Great! You wrote Nefion perfectly! I liked the descriptions particularly how we find out who Nefion actually is through his thoughts.
| Melanie Brutalie chapter 3 . 5/9/2013
pretty good. can't wait to see what else you're gonna do!
| Mr.Terry chapter 2 . 7/20/2012
This is awesome! Hope to see more of this story
| MeAreWinner chapter 2 . 7/20/2012
...Awwwww, this is sad...after reading BB... well now I feel strangely attached to Nefion