|Reviews for The Truth about the World|
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 1 . 7/20/2012
Opening: I really liked the opening. The repetition of "I find myself" is smooth and flowing. It leads into the next sentence almost poetically and it calls attention not just to the setting, but also to the narrartor and the tone of the piece.
Setting: Since I'm on the subject, I really like that you chose the swing sets as the central theme for this piece. There's just something nostalgic and true about thinking deeply while on the swings. You not only captured the sensation of the swings, but also the realism of them.
Writing: I really enjoyed the use of short sentences. I think they helped create the mood. I did feel a bit lost on the longer sentences, simply because the shorter ones were easier to read and they helped keep the flow.
[The sun is high and there is a slight breeze, a typical early spring day, after all the snow is gone.] I feel like this could be broken down into two sentences.
[I reach the top of the arc, and feel the second of weightlessness, about to float away, the whole word stands still in that moment.] Also this one. While the imagery is beautiful, the sentence, I think, is too long. It disrupts the flow.
Other: Now, I'm not sure if this was your intention or not, but I felt like there was some symbolism in this piece that made it even darker than perhaps what it really is. Whether you intended it or not, I quite liked it. I know what's being talked about here is a swing set, but the verb "swinging" makes me think of the gallows and how the bodies swing back and forth.
I just think it fits the tone of the piece so well and it makes me wonder if the death by hanging is not the weightlessness the narrator is thinking of.
But uh, yeah, sorry if I got a little dark there.
Anyway, very interesting piece.
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/20/2012
I like how clearly this shows the main character's feelings. Her voice comes through very well, and I like that because I can already tell a lot about her.
However, I don't really like the self hatred in this chapter because I can't tell why she hates herself so much. I think you could've added some more detail there - what does she hate about herself? Does she hate the way she looks? The way she treats other people? Why do others hate her? I think adding some more there could help show even more about her character and show the self hatred even more.
[Instead, I keep swinging, wanting to feel weightless, to have gravity let me go so I can simply fall into the sky.] I like this line, it's very pretty. :3
See you around the RG! :)
| Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 7/20/2012
I don't like the opening. You establish early on that she is "filled with self-loathing" without justifying why she feels this way. This is frustrating, because the readers don't know if she has a reason to be upset, and it seems like she's just whining or something.
I like the use of short, simple sentences here. It makes the flow of the story choppy, but I think that's a good thing here. It establishes the narrators feeling o detachment with the world, especially in her description of the setting. Very nicely done.
The ending is very good as well. I love how it stays consistent with the tone, and the characters feelings. Good job! Keep it up.
| LsyBlurb chapter 1 . 7/20/2012
Wow.. Beautifully written, so full of emotion, and amazingly descriptive, I loved it )