|Reviews for Phoenicia: The Revival|
| Indravyn chapter 3 . 6/24/2013
I have to tell you, I LOVE your descriptions, your imagery and allusions of reality and hallucinations are absolutely captivating. Your writing style is very pronounced and I can tell you must spend hours writing if the development of Phoenicia isn't any indication. Who is this lion and what does it want? Whom else is it planning on awakening and for what purpose? Some more awkward sentences like "even if it seemingly always seemed to be a false alarm in the end." or things not deleted like "descended into the over the mountain" but we all do it. ;)
| Indravyn chapter 2 . 6/23/2013
At first, I was kind of reminded of Warm Bodies, with R walking aimlessly around, kind of feeling and sensing, but not wholly aware. I'm intrigued by the sense of emptiness that you begin the chapter with and the transition from barren to the liveliness of Solaine. She seems less like the description of herself as being tomboyish and awkward and more like someone driven whole by feeling. The lion reminds me of the lion from the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe as well, minus the whole talking. There is one line that bothers me as if it were awkwardly written. "In it's place lied a long, green-tinted sword. It looked to be made out of stone. As she picked it up, a few ancient runes were found on both sides of the weapon. " It needs rewording to make it less awkward and to flow with the past tense the story is written in. Other than that, great start to the story and will finish the other review tomorrow.
| Simbeswore chapter 4 . 6/21/2013
Amazing! I loved the writing and how you wrote Solaine :) She was portrayed wonderfully. She really is insecure. But just to tell you I don't think Solaine will let Alijah take the sword. Not so easily anyway. She's a little fierce and strong that way. Though she's has issues but she still gets bad-a** at times. :P :)
Oh my god!? What is it that her parents are hiding? You've got me really curious.
The chapter was okay plot wise but I think I'm satisfied maybe because its about Solaine. I really like her...though that's kind of biased, right? :)
Well, since this chapter was long I don't think you need to combine the next part with this one. Or maybe add something to this chapter to enhance the ending which is actually abrupt.
Now to the errors-
"Alijah feel herself scream noiselessly as she sunk into black, molten sand." - 'feel' should be 'felt'.
"Questions ran through her head like a rapid waterfall, to slippery to hold onto coherent..." - 'to' should be 'too'.
"...Monica, speaking from outside the front door, to Solaine and Saureb's right down the hallway."- a coma needs to be placed after the word 'right' (I guess)
"Alijah grinned as she approached the window on the left wall. She scanned the outside area."- 'Area outside' is more suitable.
"Making her way past her brother, she was suddenly stopped as she felt a hard grip her arm." - 'hard; should be 'hand'.
Sorry for such an unorganized response :)
One more thing. When Alijah says- "How did you get this sword? Don't try to lie to me by the way. It only makes me angry, and trust me, I don't think you would like to see me when I'm mad." Alijah smiled at her. Solaine flicked a glance towards her house, and Alijah stepped in front of her, blocking the view of her house from behind her.
This was kind of a threat, right? "You don't wanna see me angry" kind of thing. Solaine should be angered a little at this. Nobody talks to her like this unless friend or family. She does have some ego.
But you don't have to change much stuff about Solaine, given from what I've told you, if you don't want to or it is inconvenient.
Well, I guess that's all. Too long a review,eh?
Have a nice day! Bye! :) :D
P.S. Forgive any mistakes in the review. :P
| Melanie Brutalie chapter 3 . 5/2/2013
Woo-Hoo! Yeah! You got her just right! And she met Solaine! Wonder what will happen next considering Alijah, well it seems like to me anyway, has to stay near the hut. Where's NAla? She never strays to far from Alijah unless.. no way. Nala's missing too?
Can't wait for the next update!
| Simbeswore chapter 3 . 4/26/2013
This was a really nice chapter and I am really glad that you are making a comeback! I don't quite understand why the lion brought Alijah to Soliane but I guess it would all be clear as the story progresses.
Happy writing :)
| Melanie Brutalie chapter 2 . 3/22/2013
You seriously need to update soon.
| MeAreWinner chapter 1 . 7/21/2012
YAY YOU GOT THIS UP! NOW GET HARMONY UP TOO!