|Reviews for The Story|
| Michael Storm chapter 1 . 12/6/2012
This story really made me think about my life, and how my dad really didn't support me writing, and it made me wish that he would. I love to write, and I'm working on a book right now. It's a hard life, yes, but it is SO worth it! This story really makes me smile, the way that Jackie didn't know what to write. It really shows that we shouldn't give up, not on our family, nor our dreams. I lost my dad, when he found out I was bi, and I hope I can show him that I still love him. Thank you so much for this story.
| sprillia chapter 2 . 9/20/2012
WOW. Much better, thanks a lot. I think this is going to bring in more happy people than the first one did. Of couse, Junelian Ai, you should accept a friend's help. And I DO mean that.
| peregrinefalcon chapter 2 . 9/8/2012
You know, now that I reread the pre-edited version, it's not really that fantabulous. Too unrealistic.
The edited version is really good. Much more realistic than the first one. But of course, no credits to Junelian.
You should accept the edits. LET PEOPLE EDIT FOR YOU. Then it will become fantabulous!
| 0000000000000 chapter 2 . 9/7/2012
This needed this.
It's so much better now. I'd go on and on, but I think some other people have already spoken for me. To all of you who I talk about, thank you.
This story has blossomed. It has potential. Editing will get you far. Victoria, you have my gratitude for taking something on the brink of destruction and bringing it back.
Personally-I couldn't find any grammar mistakes, and while I still believe that there are better ways to find ideas than cast your brain randomly, you did not personally write that so I find no reason to complain. The ending was much more emotionally riveting and realistic. The dedication was the sweetest thing.
Learn from your friends, Junelain. Scratch that, just plain learn from others and you'll go far.
| blindly optimistic chapter 2 . 9/5/2012
Oh my gosh, so much better...
| ameliora chapter 2 . 9/4/2012
This edited version was so much better than the original pre-edited version.
One; the scene where Jackie receives her Newbery Medal is so much more realistic. And when Jackia thanks her father; did it stop there? No. Vicki also added the dedication, which allowed the ending to be a more satisfactory and wrapped up ending. I like satisfactory endings; those endings that leave you hanging are the worst.
I must admit, though, that Junelian did try for a satisfactory ending, but what can I say? It wasn't exactly the best, nor exactly the worst.
Two; Junelian, I've noticed that you stick with short stories. And when I say short, I mean SHORT short stories, like REALLY short. The pre-edited version, was, what, 500 words? Why Must Death Conquer Life is, I infer, around that range too. Elaborate, even a bit, and I think your story would've been fine, honestly.
Three; I really like how Vicki made Jackie get her Medal in her later years, not at age sixteen, like Junelian did. Because really, Junelian, does achieving a Newbery at age sixteen sound realistic to you? I think not. But don't get me wrong, Junelian, you WOULD be a good writer if you put your heart, mind, and soul set on it, but as of now, you have a long way to go; there's always room for improvement, remember that.
Some advise for Junelian (please send this to her): EDIT YOUR STUFF. Have someone else edit. Who knows, everyone has a different style in writing, a piece of fiction with different styles blended in would be pretty cool to read. Like I have my own style, my friends have their own styles, my teacher . . . Yeah. Editing and revising are, in my opinion, two of the most important parts in the process, although I know drafting is as well. Don't just edit yourself, allow your friends and family to help. A true writer will accept constructive criticism, even from their closest family and friends.
This was a pretty good piece, I love it. Junelian did less-than-great, and Vicki transformed her work into something truly wonderful.
JUNELIAN, THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT. If Emmy persuades you to allow her to post something again, post it. But before you do, EDIT . . . I will gladly review it. Hope you will by then have improved as a writer.
- Ameliora -
Ameliorate [uh-meel-yuh-reyt, uh-mee-lee-uh-]
verb to improve, make more satisfactory; meliorate
| peregrinefalcon chapter 1 . 8/9/2012
Oh my god this is amazing! I could never write anything like this! Go Junelian! Love ya!
| Milly chapter 1 . 8/9/2012
um, the beginning was good.
the end was eh, confusing.
wasn't as good as i would expect from you, i've read ur other stories, well this one i can't really say is ur personal best. :-\
| sprillia chapter 1 . 7/27/2012
Dear Emmeline Alicia Mary and Junelian Ai,
This story is actually really...strange. Yatagarasu has a point. I don't think J.K. Rowling decided oh! one day I will try to write...3 hours later...I'm going to write Harry Potter. No, actually, she dreamed it. Recently, I was forced to go to a writing camp. Do you think I wrote anything good? No. It was all trash because I was forced to write.
If this very "amazing" story had the potential of winning a Newberry, then what about the other stories in the world? A ten-year-old, who hasn't even been through all the years of proper writing classes can write a Newberry, while all those people out in the world who have been through school, took professional writing classes, are authors for a living, and have published before can't even earn a Newberry? That's just a miracle, isn't in? No. It's plain insane. I think this should me more realistic.
Also, that time jump is huge. And which publisher goes like "Hey, you won the Newberry of the year. Congrats." WOW. This story could have been better if you maybe researched how a Newberry medal is presented and had more experience as a writer.
When someone wins a Newberry, they don't say, "hey. I won the Newberry today with your help. Yay me." There's not even an exclamation point! And her dad; when your daughter wins a Newberry, you probably should start partying and such? Maybe calling all your relatives. Maybe you should meet someone who did win a Newberry medal and ask them about their experiences, or maybe win one yourself? Do you think Junelian is such a good writer that she will never, ever get constructive criticism?
You probably will put my name on your profile and disgrace me and such, call me a coward. I really don't care. I don't think I should keep my opinions to myself. I have full right to do what I do. But YOU don't have full right to put someone's name on your profile, shunning them and insulting them. A true writer knows how to deal with criticism, and maybe, accept that their story may not be the best. They should know that posting such stories on Fictionpress might get flames, and maybe people will hate them. You and Junelian should know the risks of that.
Besides, Yatagarasu isn't a flamer, because it's constructive, telling you what's wrong and what to fix, not just saying I HATE IT PLEASE DELETE and be done with the review. If I were you, I would just say "thanks for the con crit I'll try to fix it as best as I can." But you decide that no! my friend Junelian is the most amazing-est writer in the world SHE DOES NOT DESERVE CON CRIT. Too bad, so sad, face reality. So, you decide to put this on your profile, which is why I'm here reading this story. Because you insulted someone who decided to let the world know what they think. Because Yatagarasu is brave. Yatagarasu knows that you will hate her, yet she did it. I admire that.
You are a coward. You are afraid of bad feedback. It's you who is wrong.
Plus, why would you put it on your profile? Why do you need to let the world know all your troubles? I don't know.
| DomiKat chapter 1 . 7/25/2012
The dilemma that most of us on this site face ourselves. :) You picked the right topic to publish a story about here! We're all, for the most part, aspiring writers, so I think this hits really close to home!
Great job! Great writing! Great topic! Great moral! What can I say? It's brilliant. Short, sweet, and meaningful.
You've got my attention. :)
| Yatagarasu chapter 1 . 7/25/2012
I can find some things that are wrong with this story.
First off-typing until the halfway mark of the story is a very crucial detail. Any sort of story that is halfway finished can not be done quickly-especially if it has the potential to earn a Newberry Medal. By saying that minutes after you finished half of your story, you wrote one very similar idea that later won a Newberry Medal, you are implying that your Titanic story was also that long, which means it would take a long time to write any sort of chapter book halfway through, let alone halfway decently. It would take more than a day to finish half a chapter book, especially for a ten year old.
It'd be nice if you gave us some information on this award-winning story, you know. How are we supposed to figure out what's so great about it if you don't even mention it?
Writers don't sit down and decide to write, generally. When you run out of ideas, you don't grab for straws. You wait until inspiration hits you, because anything forced never comes out good.
The last section was, in my personal opinion, mediocre and simply not satisfying. First of all, Newberry medals are awarded at a formal ceremony, and the publishers of the books are generally not the first people to know. Second, publishers generally don't take people under 16 years of age seriously. They mostly won't publish their stories. You're implying that a book written by a ten year old won a Newberry medal when a person is sixteen, which is illogical to the point of madness, Junelian. How would anyone win such a medal on a book they wrote at age ten?
This scene is nowhere near emotional and does not have any of the excitement or enthusiasm associated with winning a medal. You are telling us what happened, not showing. In fact, there is barely any emotion in any of your piece, beyond the occasional demonstration of frustration.
Another thing is that the story skips periods of time by leaps and bounds. From ten years old to weeks later to six years. It just doesn't logically flow, and is choppy and uneven. The delivery of the story in general is not well-rounded.
Overall Rating: 6.8/10. A rating slightly above half, taken from one of my favorite video games. The concept is good, delivery could have been better.
| Mirrorthrone chapter 1 . 7/25/2012
The story was good, but as soon as she won the medal I felt it was kind of lame... but overall it was alright. Keep writing.