|Reviews for Merlin's Successor|
| Mercyette chapter 6 . 8/11/2012
This review is part of the Review Game's Review Marathon. Check us out; the link's in my profile!
I liked the further characterization you've put into Morwenna. I've been waiting quite a bit for that and it's nice to finally see it shine through. Having her worry over disappointing Myrddin makes her more human in my eyes. Good job.
I would have liked to see a little more in this chapter. It seemed like a great secret was revealed about Morwenna's power and it seemed like the whole chapter was, just... rushing in a way. For example, Myrddin only tries two different exercises with her before calling it quits for the day (well, almost). It seems like he would have been a little more diligent considering he know's she capable of so much more.
Make sure you continue to update. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for it!
| Mercyette chapter 5 . 8/11/2012
Again I have to commend you on your attention to detail. I really liked some of the phrasing you included at the beginning. For example, the waves pounded the rocks like a thousand war drums, was really striking. If you could manage to instill that in some of the characterization, you would definitely have a strong story here and driven characters!
You said you really didn't like how this chapter turned out. That might simply be because you were introducing an entirely new set of characters as well as a new setting. That can be daunting to put into a single chapter. Perhaps if you introduced Aderyn a little earlier in the story, even in passing, it would make this exchange easier. Also, I would have liked to know more about the reason he's being held prisoner to begin with. You were a little vague on that, but that might have been intentional. I guess I'll have to wait and see.
| Mercyette chapter 4 . 8/11/2012
I think this is one of my favorite chapters yet. I really loved the detail you managed to instill concerning the surroundings and nature. I could practically picture the forest and clearing that they visited.
Contrary to what your author's note said, I don't think it was infodumpy in the least. It was necessary to the story and it helped to further Myrddin's character quite a bit.
I do think you might need to review the chapter, though. In it, you said that Morween would be learning five elements, but you only mentioned four in the chapter. Was that just a mistake on my part or has she yet to be introduced to the fifth element? Just thought I'd point it out in case it needed editing.
| Mercyette chapter 3 . 8/11/2012
I like the amount of detail you managed to have in this chapter. It may feel a little long to you, but I think the length is just fine and you've done a great job further introducing Myrddin to the readers. It seems like he'll be a fine teacher for Morwenna.
I do, however, think that you should try to remain a little more consistent with her characterization of Morwenna. You established her as a strong character before - she survived a fire and her family dying after all. But now it seems like you're making her take on a more childish personality (her "tummy" flip flopping and having her giggle over the mud sounds, for instance.) These are all good details, but I think they might be able to be brought into the story in a different manner. Try rereading through the chapter again and making adjustments. I have the same problem from time to time and often find myself substituting words for previous ones. This might help pull the story together some.
Overall, I'm interesting in seeing how the tutoring goes!
| Mercyette chapter 2 . 8/11/2012
Alright, so we get to see Morwenna now. She seems to be a pretty strong character, which I like since many of the female characters from Arthur's stories were either damsels or in some way manipulated and/or plain evil. To see that this might be a genuinely strong character for this type of story definitely keeps me reading. Nice work.
You might want to add a little more detail to your chapters to help flesh it out some and really make it shine. You have a knack for eye, I can tell (silver coin of a moon, cobbles slippery and glistening). Try giving us a little more of what is going on in Morwenna's head, what exacty happened during the fire? All these things could be elaborated on and would make a truly memorable chapter.
| Mercyette chapter 1 . 8/11/2012
This is a review for the Review Game's Review Marathon. Check us out; there's a link in my profile!
I really like the premise for this story. I'm a fan of King Arthur and all the stories of old, so I'm interested in your interpretation here. I wonder if it will be at all different from some of the other retellings that have been brought about.
I also enjoy the amount of detail you have with so few words. I especially liked your description of the fire and embers. You seemed to describe Myrddin pretty well, too. What elderly gentleman wouldn't have a few creaks in his bones when the weather got cold? ;)
Like you mentioned, I think for an introductory chapter, even a prologue, this wasa little short. You gave us some very convincing description of the old wizard, so I was eager to know more. But you already noted yourself that it was rather short. Maybe some future revision would help it some.
I'm eager to read on!
| MythicalWitch2012 chapter 2 . 8/5/2012
very interesting, can't wait
| Flabbergasted Flock chapter 1 . 8/1/2012
First three paragraphs begin with the character's name- redundant and repetitive.
Use more pronouns, perhaps? For example; instead of this "The fire had diminished to a few feeble embers, but Myrddin only became aware of this when the autumn night sent a great shiver down his frail, aged body."
you can put this "The fire had diminished to a few feeble embers, but the aged wizard only became aware of this when the autumn night sent a great shiver down his frail body."
| XerachiellaFlame chapter 1 . 8/1/2012
You are certainly not the only one who suffers from writing withdrawal symptoms (: I really like how you're going to be using the Welsh/Cornish/Old English forms of the names, I think it'll be very interesting!
Speaking of interesting, you've gotten off to a good start. Great description and wonderful introduction to Myriddin. You've set the beginning to the plot fantastically - readers have an idea about what the story will be about, and I personally can't wait to see Myriddin finding his successor.
The only advice for improvement that I can currently offer up is that you used Myrddin's name a little too much, so I would take some of the names out and replace it with "he". He's the only character in the scene, so it isn't as if readers will be confused as to who "he" is.
Otherwise, good job and I look forward to reading more!