Reviews for Paranoia
Skye Hawthorne chapter 1 . 4/2/2013
The way some people forget to enjoy their lives is perfectly described in this short story. People go from day to day, not even stopping to enjoy a donut. Everybody has paranoia, it may not be about death, but this is a great story that shows what happens when paranoia goes out of control.
blueagle246 chapter 1 . 11/21/2012
Very interesting! I enjoy format, it really paints how bad it would be to be paranoid, afraid that everybody is out to get you. I like the examples you used of people that might be after him, it shows just how bad is paranoia is and helps create the character. You do have one mistake that I caught at least, at the top you put were instead of where.
Luckycool9 chapter 1 . 10/4/2012
I liked how this made me feel parnoid since I rarely get that way...now who is plotting my death? The narratorion was great and I loved it. I disliked the way death was described... it seemed you only went with the typical ways when there are a million others but that was all I disliked. This is still a good story.
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 9/1/2012
[Someone's always watching, some hunter is poised and ready to end you with nothing more than a goodbye.] While this works just as it is, I wonder if it wouldn't drive the point home just a *little* more if it said, "...without so much as a goodbye." (Or something along those lines; that is, you're not even getting a goodbye, just gone. I don't know, maybe most killers say goodbye before they kill you, but I get the feeling a lot of people who die suddenly miss out on that chance for a lot of goodbyes.) Thought. :)

I like the insight that this gives into the mind of the narrator. Very organized, very precise. They've clearly thought all this out. Also, his final request is interesting. I'm not even sure if I'd care if my killer was sorry. How would it effect me at that point? But it's an interesting tidbit into the mindset of who this person is.

- Moonstar
A Fire Rose chapter 1 . 8/22/2012
Hey, there! Great story to play off the suspicions that probably everyone has. The only draw-back is that making the perspective into second-person, and creating a character for the reader to be makes it less relatable to anyone who doesn't fit it. The automatic pairing of ***hole with homeless people is quite an assumption. Should probably have an exclaimation point after the first "bang," and the comparison of "can't talk your way out of a wet paper bag"doesn't quite fit, since no one can do that (whereas someone with a gun should be ablt to shoot their way out of one." All-in-all, interesting psychological story!
yWrite chapter 1 . 8/20/2012
I LOVE this concept. It's very interesting how you ask these questions that some people never think about, yet others - such as myself - ask themselves quite often. Who knows when, how, where, why we'll die, and by the hands of who, if anyone? Yet, many people have their own preferences for their death. Die happy, die surrounded by loved ones, etc. Which may not even happen the way we wanted.

I like how you used different perspectives to answer your questions, especially in paragraph 9. Never thought of it that way. A quick death would probably be less painful. Then again, a slow death would give you time to say something that may be written in books as a powerful, famous quote.

And then there's your question of why someone would want to kill us. We've all done something to annoy someone else. It's very true that, that person may start plotting almost instantly and be added to a list of our possible deaths.

Sorry for the drabble. I added this essay to my favorites.
Skyward Ending chapter 1 . 8/20/2012
Hm. I can't say I liked 1st/2nd (not quite sure what to call it?) person in this piece (because why would anyone be telling you that you're feeling this way?), and don't think that strictly 2nd person would've worked, either-it doesn't seem personal enough, a lot of tell and little feel. In my opinion, 1st person would've worked better.

I think that by saying "how" and "where" were important cheapened how you said "who" was the most significant. Maybe change it to saying that "who" is the one that comes to mind the most? You repeated the "you're going to die" stuff too often-or maybe it's that there are too many one-sentence paragraphs and several of them could be put together. I wish you had tied the end up with something in the end, but liked the last line nonetheless.

I liked the premise and it was interesting how you didn't end with the death rather than a wish; it makes the death that less important and the paranoia the centerpiece, though I thought it could've been more focused and more emotional, jaded or not (the way you mentioned substance abuse was a distraction).
Annything chapter 1 . 8/16/2012
Wow, I really like the introduction. It's really catching, but I'm not sure if breaking the fourth wall like that is such a good idea in fiction. Just a thought. You constantly refer to "you" and I'm not a fan of that. It's better to now talk to the audience when you write fiction.

But, I did like that you are setting up this character that is obviously paranoid and it's really interesting development. Good work on that. I actually really enjoyed this. I really liked the thoughts and the obvious internal struggle of a paranoid person, and I think you got into character really well.

I feel like the ending was anticlimactic. It sort of falls flat compared to the beginning and middle. It builds up and then just... dies. It would've been better if you elaborated a little more.

I really enjoyed this piece though. Thanks for sharing. :D
TinfoilKnight chapter 1 . 8/9/2012
I like the introduction to this piece. It really describes the mental state of paranoia well, and you do a good job of showing the fear the character feels.

The second person worked out better than I expected. Most pieces in second person give me that feeling like the author’s putting words in my mouth, but this piece avoided that. It read more like a letter to somebody; it wasn’t obnoxious or distracting at all.

[All you want, all you ask of this unknown person that will be your killer is that they say they're sorry.] I know you’re using this ending to tie in the WCC prompt, but I don’t think it fits very well with the rest of the story. The transition from paranoia and fear of death to acceptance is a little abrupt, and this final sentence doesn’t have much to do with the main theme, paranoia, at all. Perhaps it would’ve been better to continue on after this sentence and connect back to paranoia – it could make the piece feel more cohesive and close the story better.
DirtyTangles chapter 1 . 8/8/2012
The Stellar:

-The voice is striking, and it's where the strength of this piece lies. That it is in second person makes it even more so; the reader does not feel put upon by the narrator, but a connection is drawn between the two nonetheless. You pulled this off brilliantly.
-The ending adds further ambiguity to the piece, in a good way. It has a very different affect from the beginning, and this gives the reader something to chew on, and makes him/her curious about the narrator. Who is this suicidal, depressed, crazed, but nevertheless normal, teenager?

What needs work:

-Grammar, grammar, grammar. Normally I don't include this in reviews, but there is a lot of work to be done here with grammar, enough that the mistakes took me right out of appreciating your fine voice and the direction of the piece. If you start a sentence in the conditional, end it in the conditional. Tense is oh-so important. Make sure that you don't use commas when you should be using semi-colons, or better yet, periods.
-I really, really loved the end of the piece. I want that same tone, this scared paranoia, to make itself clearer at the beginning. As it stands now, I feel the story successfully takes us on a journey, but that it doesn't tie together very well.

Thanks for sharing your work! Keep up the brilliant writing.
Not Bent Just Broken chapter 1 . 8/8/2012
Wow. I like how strong this is and the impact it gives after reading it. I'm not sure if I like the end [all you ask of this unknown person that will be your killer is that they say they're sorry.] - but it's yours. I just didn't see how it really fit in.
Well done either way!(:
Mercyette chapter 1 . 8/7/2012
This is a very interesting premise for a one-shot. I love the emotion you put into your writing - I can clearly feel the fear you mean to convey to the reader. My only qualm is that it might have been more interesting if you perhaps introduced a face to the person whom your referring to in the story, even if you did use the pronoun "you." But perhaps that was what you were going for in the long run, I just think it would have been interesting to see the everyday life of someone who is so paranoid. Despite that, I still think you've got quite a knack for drawing out emotion in writing. Good job.
Rogue Energizer Bunny chapter 1 . 8/7/2012
The major problem here is that it's only half a story. The opening seems like this would be a drabble, and then when things get specific it's almost confusing. I feel like you weren't quite sure whether or not to flesh it out. I'd recommend either shortening it into more of a drabble, or giving it a more solid focus and establishing characters/setting.

The paragraphs here are very effective. In the past, your paragraphs have been very short and all the same length, but here you vary the length nicely. It adds great texture to the story, and really helps the momentum.
-Liv
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 8/6/2012
I liked the reflective tone of this because it was unique and seemed to be very emotional. However, because there were no characters or conflict in this, I wasn't completely drawn in, and I think it could have been improved if it had a plot like a short story as opposed to a meandering vignette.
lookingwest chapter 1 . 8/6/2012
This reminded me of the saying, "we can't choose how we're born but we can choose how we'll die" a little bit, especially when talking about the "how". Overall I do want to note this - your writing is really improving with your newer stuff than when I first started seeing your work. It feels better rounded and has more detail, and I liked the use of second person narration in this because I think that will set it apart from other entries and it shows you've got a bit of adventure in you due to the experimentation aspect! One thing I felt was that it might be too long, actually, because the concept of someone being paranoid can only extend so far. Therefore I found myself feeling a little "okay, let's wrap things up here" midway through. Also, in your last line, I feel like there should be a comma after "killer". But this was really well written and I liked that about it!
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