|Reviews for To Ailea|
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 2 . 8/12/2012
I like the character of Oppa. I think you've defined him well by giving little details about his morning mood etc. This makes him a realistic character.
I wasn't so keen on the info-dump at the end of this chapter. Try splitting this information up, perhaps she reads it in a book or overhears a conversation. At the moment it is quite bland and lacks drama.
So far, I am enjoying this story and will look forward to an update.
Review via the Review Games' review Marathon, link in my profile.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 1 . 8/12/2012
As you say yourself, this is probably too short and could do with further clarification.
I think you do a good job of describing the atrocities here. This really adds pathos to the little girl's plight. For example, when you mention
Clashes of metal on metal tore the air in half.
This is a very evocative phrase that sets up a scary tone.
However, there isn't really much information here which was frustrating. It was difficult to get an idea of exactly what she was running from. More detail about this might make it clearer. For example, what were the bad guys like? Had she ever seen them before? What was their arrival like?
Review via the review Games' Review Marathon, link in my profile.
| vitamors18 chapter 1 . 8/10/2012
Wishing for more:) I like your writing style, the imagery was detailed and easy for me to imagine. Loved your broad vocabulary and use of words, but one felt a bit out of place. When you used "bonked" it sounded too simple compared to the rest of the way this was written, but that's just an opinion.
So what happens next?;)
| MagicWords chapter 1 . 8/3/2012
Despite how short it was, it was nicely written. I laughed when you said you turned in a 15 page short story to your teacher. I did the same thing once.
Anyways, keep it up. Should be intriguing!