|Reviews for Darkling|
| Why-do-I-need-a-username chapter 22 . 4/4
OH MY GOSH! YOU HAVE TO MAKE A SEQUEL! PLEASE!
| R. Ficst chapter 22 . 3/26
Very interesting world-building. I would love to read more about this facility, and the human and darkling struggle to coexist and remove the tyrannical vampires from power.
| Sillabye chapter 7 . 9/24/2013
I love all your stories, I'm trying to read all of them.
| Gods-And-Monsters chapter 7 . 6/21/2013
Oh my god, I just started reading this, and I'm already in love C:
| RainbowLennoxPanda chapter 22 . 6/12/2013
I loved this story! You're an amazing writer and I enjoy reading you're stories! I strongly believe you should write/post more stories, because I'm almost done reading the ones you have up. I'm so addicted to them because of how wonderfully written they are. They are full of so much detail I feel like I'm actually there! Please keep writing! :D
| bettyboop1124 chapter 22 . 6/5/2013
The end. My least favorite part to a great story! Please tell me that you are doing a sequel. I was so into the story that I had no clue that it was at an end. You definitely left me wanting more. I'll check out your other stories while wait for more.
| whatthegreencarrot chapter 1 . 4/30/2013
[An academy for dhampirs—beings that are half human, half vampire.] That sounds an awful lot like a book, Vampire Academy, what with the dhampirs and the acad. You also mentioned the genetical mess-up where dhampirs just become half and half, which was also in VA. Is this a FanFiction thing?
The summary did catch my eye, because it was relatively short and amusing to read, so that's a good job done :) Summaries are usually pretty important to a story, because that's what them peeps use to judge us. Kudos to you, since you got me to click on this. I hardly ever click on stories, not unless someone asks me to, or if I seem it worthy by summary.
| Lionesscouer chapter 22 . 2/28/2013
I actually liked the previous ending, but parts of this one were also good. I had fun reading this.. very good story. Thank you!
| vampireprincess003 chapter 21 . 1/28/2013
That was much better but whyyyyy did you kill Patch D: I loved him lol and I loved how he was back to his old self. (For chap 22)
| Dramatic Irony chapter 22 . 1/25/2013
Prediction: Bunny is an emerging darkling.
Perhaps this is based more on my own bias than the story itself, but Indigo seems rather dismissive about Flannigan's vision for more darklings and his desire to conquer the West (nice allusion to the Americas there, haha). Maybe he's a lunatic or a mad scientist and we readers don't know that yet, but his ideas seem reasonable enough to me, even though they would be difficult to achieve. Coexistence seems to be the best option for everybody after an apocalypse. Haha. So it is a bit rash and judgmental for Indigo to write him off as insane.
For the sake of increasing the tension and suspense, it would be better to shorten Indigo's memory flash. The current excerpt draws the reader into that past time of happiness for too long, so the tension created by being held at gunpoint is lost. To raise the tension, try writing a short 1-2 sentence snippet of her memory, then interrupting with something in the present moment, like the gun being cocked, then memory again, then back to the present again. Think of how a movie works, or a music video that cuts to different scenes very fast.
[italicized] "Can I kiss you?"
That four-worded question was like…a spark. And blood didn't run through my veins. Gasoline did. My eyes flashed open and my body started blazing. I looked up at him and all I wanted to do was say yes, and lose myself with him for a few moments.
"If I say no?" I asked hoarsely. He stuck out his lower lip.
"Then I guess I'll just…pout. Whine." [end italics]
I heard the click of the gun as the safety was removed (or however guns work; I don't know the mechanics of this).
[italics again] He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close, so that my head was on his shoulder and our legs were intertwined. That position caused the bullet wound in my shoulder to complain, but it was a half-hearted complaint that I easily ignored. The nurse had given me some blood at the infirmary, so I was more than half healed.
Cuddle. I'd never really thought about it before…but cuddle was sort of a cute word, wasn't it?
"I don't really cuddle," I mused, not moving.
"This is a good time to start." [end italics]
And then he pulled the trigger.
There are many different ways of doing this, obviously.
As far as climaxes go, I have to say that this one is not as exciting as it could have been. The climax should outdo all other scenes of tension and conflict and resolve a major chunk of the plot, if not all of it. Unless, of course, you did not intend for this particular chapter to be the climax. Just keep it in mind for future stories.
I'll be looking forward to the sequel.
| Dramatic Irony chapter 21 . 1/25/2013
"I would have preferred to not hand her a gun" should be "preferred not to hand." Usually, infinitives should not be split. The current phrasing is a bit awkward anyway; something like "I would have preferred that Bunny didn't have to hold a gun" would be clearer.
Diehard is one word.
Typo: "[Xavier] was now standing in between the me and the drunk."
Monochromatic means being of one color, if I'm not mistaken. I think you meant that he had a "monotonous" voice.
I don't remember this Tristan guy at all. Is he from the chapters when Indigo and everyone else had just arrived on the training grounds?
Good movement of the plot. But Patch's acquiescence and departure seemed too abrupt and...easy. It's illogical that the plot with the federal government hunt is over simply because he "lost" track of them, but the way that Patch's departure is written makes it seem as though everything is tied up now.
This story doesn't seem close to an ending at all. Are you planning a sequel?
| vampireprincess003 chapter 22 . 1/23/2013
That was awesome I really hope u post the sequal soon when I got to the end I was like cant wait till next chapter! Only to find out that was the end lol. I love this story so much I feel like that Libra or whatever will use his abilitys to stop the bullet maybe? Why would she accept dying when Bunny is there. If patch comes back he should be like how he was on the training grounds I feel like his personality changed.
| Dramatic Irony chapter 20 . 1/16/2013
"Patch blasted some stupid music that sounded like an eggbeater having sex with a fax machine."
Considering that this is not actually physically possible (plus, who uses fax anymore, anyway?), this simile is poorly worded. Figurative language should plant a distinct image in the reader's mind, but this comparison doesn't really accomplish that. It's somewhat confusing.
"Glaring at me like he hated my innards" is awkward; "innards" sounds a little too scientific. Just go with "guts." Or choose a different phrase.
The cougar hunting scene was very well-written. The language was clear and not long-winded; the descriptions were to the point. The sentences were terse and the syntax was varied enough that it wasn't choppy or anything like that. All of these elements are crucial for writing a good action/fight scene that immerses the reader and allows the reader to clearly visualize what is happening. Good job.\
Since all half-vampiric dhampirs need blood as well as full vampires, Bunny drinking less than usual is akin to anorexia, correct?
Lots of trouble in paradise...Unfortunately for her, Indigo's going to have to learn how to feel and to experience emotions if she wants to keep Xavier in her life. Her numbness and aversion to emotions are interesting...is there any particular experience she's had that might have caused her to shut down, or is it inherent in her personality?
My hypothesis about Patch: He's following the gang in order to track down the source of the resistance and pass the knowledge back to his superiors so that they can destroy said resistance directly. A spying mission, basically.
| Dramatic Irony chapter 19 . 1/4/2013
"It was disorientating" should be "It was disorienting."
"Thankfully, Aaron didn't notice and is staring at Patch." Whoa, abrupt shift in tenses here. That should be "because he was staring."
Same problem here:
"We all stood up simultaneously, and the air around us turns from light, to dark and heavy. We're all anxious. I can feel the tension bouncing around in the air. I don't really want to leave the sanctuary of the motel room. It's warm and cozy and I don't have to worry about dying. I know what to expect, here. Out there, life would be unpredictable. Chaotic.
I shook my head to clear it, and jutted out my chin. I could handle chaotic. I wasn't a softie."
The narration shifts from past tense ("stood") to present ("turns," "we're," etc.) and back again ("I shook"). Choose one tense and stick with it.
"Despite my fondness over the new jeans" should be "Despite my fondness FOR the new jeans."
This problem repeats when they leave the hotel and see "no scrawny human with umbrellas."
You shouldn't be switching from present to past tense, unless there's some specific reason (like a flashback, for example). The story needs to be told either entirely in present tense or entirely in past tense; it's jarring and grammatically incorrect if the narration switches the way it does in this chapter. Present tense gives a greater sense of immediacy, but past tense is more traditional and may or may not be easier for you to write. (It also lets you set up things like frame narratives, but this isn't an English class, so I'll shut up.)
It's interestingly contradictory how Indigo refuses to acknowledge or verbalize her romantic attachment to Xavier while also feeling that it's "nice to be needed." She is afraid of her emotions and of relationships, yet she expects others to feel that sense of emotional dependence toward her.
Patch seems a bit out of character here because he's so whiny and sulky. He has none of the sadistic, malicious attitude he showed in the training grounds.
I'm going to preface this next bit of criticism by saying that this chapter is a good length. However, it wouldn't hurt if it were longer, and the reason I say this is because the pacing of the scenes in this chapter is too rushed for the reader to take in the scene and be immersed in it with the characters. For example, the feeding with Aaron is very brief. Is that what you intended-for it to be no big deal, just something unpleasant to get over with? Because the fact that Xavier and Indigo have a major argument and bonding feeding over this makes it seem as if the feeding with Aaron would be painful or something to anticipate in some way. It was a bit anticlimactic.
On a related note, why omit the scene where the gang and Aaron argue over the agreement? That would have been a great scene since there's so much conflict you could have explored and shown there, especially if Xavier objected on the grounds of his involvement with Indigo. That argument would have heightened the tension among the characters and made the chapter more interesting; it was somewhat a letdown to go straight from "let's make a deal" to Xavier vehemently objecting to said deal. It makes me wonder, what kind of juicy stuff happened in between?
"I hope you can see why I was a bit...perturbed." It is usually inappropriate and jarring to use second person in a story if 99% of the rest of the narration does not address the reader or involve the reader in some way. "I was perturbed" would have been more than enough to convey Indigo's apprehension effectively, and the terse brevity of such a remark would have created an understatement that would have emphasized the gravity of the situation even more.
Who is Flannigan again? I don't remember hearing this name before.
| LiveLoveRead95 chapter 19 . 1/4/2013
okay so this is just getting better and better. I officially love this story so much. So please update soon. Please Can't wait :3