Reviews for Cat Mouse, Cat Mouse
The Siege chapter 1 . 3/6/2013
WHOA.
THEY KILLED EACH OTHER.
SUCKERS.
:D No but this is awesome! I love how short but descriptive this is. The sentences are abrupt and concise and they match the tone perfectly. I think there are a few odd switches between past and present tense throughout this, but otherwise, fantastic!
stuck in bed chapter 1 . 3/4/2013
Hi! Your story has been added to the "One-Shot" category of A Drop of Romeo. Here's your review:

This one-shot is short and snappy, but not sweet. Yet, it can't really be classified as bitter, really. Very simply, it's a piece that tells the lives of two celebrities, whilst mocking at society for being so invested in what they do and the gossip that surrounds them. This may seem like a fairly innocent description, but Nesasio spins the tale into something creepy and disturbing. The most scary part about all of it? It's all (unfortuantly) real.
Laoch chapter 1 . 12/1/2012
I absolutely love the opening line. It screams 'something astounding will happen; this is going to be good' just through the irony built within. It automatically made me want to read further just by how, almost, picturesque the scene was set.
Out of curiosity, what inspired these two particular characters? Either way, they are both rather brilliant. Amazing job on creating the two of them within the word confines. They are both vibrant and give a great first off impression (for me). You don't seem to write them as typical 'serial killer couple type people' (if there is a typical).
Honestly, I enjoyed reading this much more than any other piece in the last few months. It just struck me as fresh and different. I wanted to know what would happen, I wanted to know just how these two people seemed to tick (although, I wish there could have been more on the characters themselves, that's just the type of reader I am).
As for the plot, from the getgo, I had no idea where this was headed, I just followed along. At times, I almost felt it wouldn't work, but then it did, and it was pretty good. But the plot itself; interesting. I don't really know how this came to be, I'm just glad it did because it is a really great piece.
All together, brilliant and vivid descriptions and a creepy story that I loved.
Engineer of Words chapter 1 . 8/28/2012
Reviewing as per WCC. I will readily admit that this is the most fun I've had reading in some time. Where you got the inspiration for this is irrelevant - I just wouldn't mind a little for myself.

What strikes me, both at first glance and critical read, is the narration. It's a third person narration I can't quite place, and it's nothing like a typical character tells his or her story kind of read. It's almost reminiscent of noir in the complete lack of narrator involvement and your use of description. Which in and of itself toes the line between masterful and cliche, in my opinion. I will attribute that to the premise, though. But with that said, the asides about print media are what make this piece so interesting - and that's where I got the most noir vibe from.

Addressing the premise slightly more in detail, it's curious you chose to ask what would happen if two people who married for the wrong reasons married one another. I get the impression of third-party life experience, given the amount of detail you use when it comes to timetables of moving in with one another, courtship, and such.

A third point I will bring up, one I just noticed, is that it almost looks like you wrote the story in verse. I'm uncertain if you intentionally ended every "chapter" of sorts in this story with a one-liner, but only because of a single exception to that rule. What's more is these last lines serve as a summary of the story of sorts. Again, not sure if it was intentional. But if this was by design, you're not getting enough credit.

I suppose my only criticism of the piece is that there is precious little deviation from stereotypes and tropes. Again, this may be by design. If you intended to hang a lampshade on the stereotypical romance story, you were successful, I think. But that said, exploring a more sinister version of the familiar makes this quite a fun read.
pseudonymsurname chapter 1 . 8/26/2012
Plot: I really liked the ideas in this. I’ve always wondered why people give two sh**s about things such as celebrity gossip and the way anyone with a recognisable face can get away with things which, done by any normal Joe Bloggs, would land them in jail. Yet more than once I’ve found myself reading about these exact things, online and in magazines. Yeah, it’s interesting – and put next to the shortness of this (almost like an article), I thought it was pretty effective. I couldn’t see a relevance to the prompt, but that’s no doubt a failing on the part of my reading as opposed to your writing :)

Ending: Following on from the above, I liked the ending. It epitomises the idea that humanity seems to relish reading about misery – something which dates back to Greek tragedies and all that jazz. They are happy and content reading about the relationships etc., but death and mayhem is all the more exciting.

Writing: I’m torn on this. On the one side, I think you’ve got an interesting writing style going on: very visual and there’re some cliché images you’ve used on purpose to match the topic – which I thought worked. But some of the lines/phrases/sentences didn’t flow or work too well, in my opinion. Here, for instance: “He's tall, dark, and handsome as he looks in the mirror and thanks their life insurance policies for the designer jacket he'll soon be maneuvering onto the shoulders of Prospective Wife Four.” I’d suggest you take out ‘as he looks in the mirror’ as it not only clutters things, but I believe doesn’t really match what this is about. (The audience is his mirror is how I read it.) More than once, there’s simply too much going on and – placed alongside the fact you sometimes bend conventional syntax/grammar rules – it made it hard to read at times.

Spelling/Grammar/Miscellaneous:
“husband number six” For continuity, you should probably capitalise ‘six’ seeing as you do so for the others.
“in the finest coffin his millions can rent” Rent? Surely it’s bought?
“When she leaves the cemetery, she tosses away the hat” What hat?
“The audience weeps with his façade” Not sure ‘with’ works here.
“Introductions are made with calculated mistakes.” Great line.
“His is a lifestyle, hers is an account balance. They play to the other. In him she finds a higher tax bracket; in her, he finds another decade of wine and dine-ing.” Okay, here, the implication is that she does it for money and he does it for companionship? Really doesn’t fit with them attempting to kill each other. Maybe her, but not him.
“the sweet chaching of lust.” Might be a country difference, but ‘Chacing’ isn’t a word.
“He knows from Two and Three that the optimum social courtship before engagement is six months, a lesson she learned from Four and Five” I’d probably make this comma a semi-colon.
“for their upcoming evening romp” I’m really not keen on the word-choice of ‘romp’ – it sounds a bit ridiculous.
“They eye each other for weakness as her teddy hits the floor” Is this a metaphorical teddy?
“a dance of ego masturbation” Good line.

Gz on winning the WCC! :)
professional griefer chapter 1 . 8/25/2012
Opening: I didn't like your first line, I don't think it was very engaging. I liked your description, I got a clear picture, but in just that paragraph it wasn't very intriguing. I did however want to know why she was in a graveyard, and I really liked the phrase 'a fatal disaster waiting to happen'.
Writing: I like that you used third person present, I think it really worked for this piece and you definitely pulled it off well. The descriptions were very nice, I definitely got clear pictures in my head. The narrative style was very mysterious, and while you gave information away I felt like you always made it so that it sounded like there was more left unsaid.
Enjoyment: I was definitely enjoying this, your rather fast pace and aforementioned mysterious narration style made this quite exciting and fun to read. I also could envision it, because you described everything well, and so I got a very entertaining and vivid read.
Ending: I loved the ending. I loved it because it was just so raw and cruel, with both of them trying to kill the other. (Sexual Hunger Games, anyone?) But...yeah. It was definitely a strong ending to a strong piece. Nice job.
ohsocyanide chapter 1 . 8/18/2012
Heyooo, ohsocyanide from this month's WCC! Congrats on the win, by the way—after reading this, it's clear why you did. :)

[Opener] Oh, wow. Your opener was completely catchy. That first sentence completely hooked me, and I loved the way you jumped right in. The first paragraph is awesome, really, and overall I loved this beginning. Your description is really what hooked me, I think, so good job there. Typing the woman right off the bat is a really good opening technique that you've utilized.

[Characters] The characters were empty in a way that made me like them. Not like them, as in wanting to be friends with them or anything, but I like how you portrayed them. They seemed very realistic, and it's humorous that two shady people have been grouped together like this. They come off as predators hunting their prey.

[Writing] I found your writing very enjoyable throughout this. Your descriptions were strong without being too wordy and the tone throughout this short story is strong. There aren't in lapses with the voice—it almost reads like a magazine article from the society pages, which I found catchy and amusing in a way.

[Ending] I also really enjoyed the way you ended this. Let's just be frank here: there wasn't a part I didn't enjoy. The last paragraph isn't too graphic, which is refreshing after reading one-too-many vulgar sex scenes, and the last sentence works really well for you. It's simple and it ties the entire story together as a whole. It's all about society, money, and notoriety, and you've captured that well—especially in the last sentence. It's really the ultimate headline, so it's sheer irony, in a way.

ohsocyanide.
the-lovely-anomaly chapter 1 . 8/12/2012
Brilliant.

A unique, unsettling, and downright hilarious little story you have here. (Admittedly I have a thing for dark comedy. XD) Though short and lacking in dialogue, I do not feel cheated in any way. In fact, this short piece of fiction feels very complete, and in truth I admire you for being able to keep an idea like this simple; there are so many ways you could have gone with it, but you chose to keep it down to the bare basics, and I appreciate that - it works here. Your prose is truly something to be admired, filled with nice descriptive phrases like "swivels like a hawk to eye him up" and "oozes the sweet details of their whirlwind romance" that titllate the senses and give your story life. I love how you avoid cliches and use the active voice. And I especially love the closing line: "The society pages go wild." Perfect ending!

The only thing I would change would be this sentence: "In the midst of a dizzy orgasm, she plants her palms on his chest and presses hard down." I would swop "hard" and "down" because I think that would sound a bit better - less jarring. That's a personal opinion, though, and a small issue. There's nothing glaringly wrong with the sentence as is.

Well done!

(Request: If you decide to read and review something of mine, I would really appreciate your feedback on "The Things We Give Away.")
B.R. McNair chapter 1 . 8/10/2012
Interesting piece. I liked how you told the story without any dialogue. The idea wasn't exactly original, but your style sort makes up for that. I enjoyed the switching perspectives and how they killed each other at the end. Your descriptive language is very well-developed and never overwrought. There was a nice dry tone to the whole piece which really aided to the icy feel of everything. The writing was cold, as were the characters. All that works to your advantage.

Peace and love,
B.R. McNair

P.S.- Saw you at Roadhouse. It'd be nice if you reviewed Trials of the Son. :)
thenutrunningthenuthouse chapter 1 . 8/10/2012
Whoa. I gotta say, that was one of the most unique short stories I've ever read. The pace was dizzying, and almost read like a tabloid article (in a good way). The concept is utterly gripping: a wife-killer and a husband-killer end up together. From the moment I realized that those two met, I was reeling trying to figure out who'd take the other one's life first. I've never seen a story that jerks the reader around through time so much, and I gotta say, it's almost like being a roller coaster.

I love your descriptions.
[He plays the tragically gorgeous widower with the subtlety and passion of an Oscar-winning performance.]
[Introductions are made with calculated mistakes.]

These two just to name a few They're truly unique descriptions and they work so well. It just adds a touch of Hollywood flair to the whole story, and it really works to give this couple's strange tale a truly epic society/tabloid story. I'm sure I'm using the wrong words, but it just really works.

And then, wow, that ending. Did just the woman die? I thought for a moment that perhaps both of them would die. But, just, wow, this was a great story!

Hmm, I don't think I can think of any constructive criticism. Great job!

nutrunningthenuthouse, RH

If you could, I'd appreciate a review on my newest story, Safe and Sound. Thanks in advance. :)
seredemia chapter 1 . 8/10/2012
I like the fact that their names aren't revealed, because it's like only their actions matter. Plus, it adds a sense of mystery into the story which is actually perfect for it. I also like how you focus on small details like the dude flipping the coin for luck, but not checking whether it's heads or tails. From the looks of it, he got poisoned in the end - so I'm guessing the coin didn't work in favour of his luck...

But yes, I also liked how you worded your sentences. The description was beautiful! The fact that you referred to other people as numbers just shows how little these people care for them. (Plus I just like it when people are called by numbers, i don't know why but i think it's really cool)

Overall, I found no flaws with this oneshot!
RinaJewelz chapter 1 . 8/10/2012
I love this piece, mainly because of the rich dark humour hehehe. The title is so fitting. The poisoned chocolate is class. I think the length is perfect too as you don't ruin it by overcomplicating your sentences or anything like that, everythings just right. Great job :)

Best of luck in the WCC

Ceri from the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in profile)
Loraine Wentworth chapter 1 . 8/9/2012
I enjoyed reading this. It's fun and well-written. I like the way you create some effective and original turns of phrase here,

e.g. dirt nap in the finest coffin his millions can rent.

teddybear sweetness

I also like the way you 'compare and contrast' the characters by playing them off against each other, if my point makes sense. Both characters are playing the same game and they've already learnt all the rules. It would be interesting to see if they both really know that the other knows about the game...

The ending was a shock!
lookingwest chapter 1 . 8/8/2012
Hiiiii I'm here! *flails*

Opening - Yeah um... YOU DID IT AGAIN! OMFG. This is amazing amazing like holy crap. But no. I'm going to actually talk about the opening now. I liked your first line, I thought the use of the word "roughed" was great, haha. Good stark image right away and I like how later our bachelor mentions her black dress not being "funeral" but fun because of the heels and such. Great transition. Also I'm glad you went with the woman first, it was a good place/image to start up with, and you give a good flip side.

Characters and Writing and Stuff- While these characters aren't exactly what I would call original by any means, I still like how tightly controlled all of their actions are within the writing and sentence structure. I liked how they both met their ends at the hands of one another and clearly both had it coming. While this again, doesn't strike me as a super original plot either, the way you wrote it is what I love the most and what makes this one of my favorite things you've written. So uh yeah, hitting favorite now. I liked them both and really don't have a favorite, you both give them equal time to develop so that was great. Also, seriously these sections read to me like tightly controlled poetry prose. This was a side of you I've never seen before. I like this side, I want to see it more often, heh.

Setting - We don't get a ton of descriptive setting but it's not important. What's important is the objects and the characters that use them. The car. The dress. The heels. The music. The poison. The chocolate sauce, haha. I love how yo used each prop and made it become the setting, in a way. Again, I can't get over the writing style of this piece, it's fantastic!

Ending - Awe-some! Suuuch a juicy delicious good last line. Also, as someone who got to see you through this writing process of how to end their lives, this was a great choice and I'm glad you went with it. And omg, you actually wrote "a boner rock hard". I basically read that twice. And like...it works. This whole thing works. It works so well. Hahaha. This would've been a fan favorite in my writers group too, they wou've lovvved this. Anyway, yeah I'll stop gushing anyway. Thanks for this read Lyra, I can't believe you wrote this under such a deadline with so little time on the clock! You put us all to shame!

Best of luck in the WCC!
Not Bent Just Broken chapter 1 . 8/8/2012
I like all the detail you put into it. It gives a real image and you do it well with few words. That's hard to come across and hard to accomplish. Well done.

[She's rouged and little black dressed to the nines on the day husband number six takes his dirt nap in the finest coffin his millions can rent.] - This sentence strikes me as very powerful and direct. It tells so much, too, but I found the wording to be slightly off. I can't put my finger on it, but it just doesn't sound right no matter how many times I read it over.