Reviews for Chimera and the Shrubbery
Fictitious-Historian chapter 7 . 8/29/2012
A very interesting piece of work. I like how both perspectives were explored all the way through. Well written on the whole, only a couple of grammatical errors, specifically the use of their instead of there in, i think it was chapter six. Other than that, it sounded good and held my attention for all seven chapters. A good piece overall.
Hohoho84932 chapter 7 . 8/29/2012
chapter 7 was really good. I actually liked the parts where they are talking more than fghting, just because it shows really different viewpoints from the guardians and the robots, but also similarties.

I really think that your characters are awesome but i'm not sure exactly where its going now that we know denver is dead. I can't wait to see the next chapter? :)
Spiral Architect chapter 1 . 8/23/2012
So, first impressions time. So far it seems like a good concept, although it hasn't been explained very much yet. That's fine for a first chapter, because it makes me want to find out what happens next.

I was a little blindsided by the fact that Denver wasn't human. That's not a bad thing, it's just not something I normally find in this type of thing.

Overall, it seems interesting. I just want to point out the abundance of commas, especially in the second sentence. Also, the [i][/i]s aren't necessary. The systems will take any italics you put in the work just fine.
Hohoho84932 chapter 5 . 8/20/2012
_Loved_ chapter 5! Sasha and Jeremy make a really cool couple, biut also I like how you are making us like Hilda and Papa too. Their father/daughter relationship is really good, and I like how there are still secrets. I like how you ended it with kind of a cliffhanger too.

I really want to know what is going to happen.. I really like this story.
Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 8/17/2012
I can't promise regular reviewing, but here's one, at least.

1) "Underneath a pale moon, a forest at night was seen, and heard." Opening lines are a big deal. They're your first chance to fundamentally hook the reader, or at least to invite him deeper into the plot. This does the latter, but it uses a very passive voice. Try experimenting a little with different variations on what you have. Be a little more direct. Something like "Underneath a pale moon, the forest swarmed with noise," is a lot more punchy, and it gets the reader asking questions. Never be afraid to say outlandish or ridiculous things in your starting line. You can always go back and justify them later, and making the reader ask a question is one of the best ways to get him engaged.

2) "Part 1: Parades of Carbon and Intrinsics" is a flat-out awesome title.

3) "and their eyes glowered in the moonlight." glowering is like a combination of glaring and sulking. Did you mean 'glowed'?

4) "without even a [i]compass[/i]" you've got a ficpress formatting issue here. Was this originally posted to a forum?

5) I like how casually you introduce a lot of the strange details. Denver's ears, the way the characters seem to have transhuman tech integrated into their bodies, etc.

6) What I do not like is the 'jelly beans' thing. She says it way too often, and it's the first thing you hear from her. It doesn't make her sound like she's a close friend. It makes her sound like an annoying younger sister trailing along after him. If you had her use it less, or had her use it less overtly, I think I would have less of an issue here.

7) Fascinating world-building, even if I don't really have a clear picture of the characters yet. You also use really flowery prose, and it can be tough to get through. Not that that's not a style (I like authors like Hal Duncan and China Mieville,) but you have to be more careful with it. Sometimes a sentence needs to be short and choppy, if only as contrast.

8) You've got a good start here, and I'm definitely interested in what comes next. Keep writing.
Brightmare chapter 4 . 8/17/2012
I have a slight issue with this chapter. Sasha is supposed to not be able to express emotion clearly, and have comparatively weak emotions correct? Then how is she able to "smile sweetly" in the very next paragraph to this being mentioned, and be so clearly and extremely offended by the comment about her head? Other than this issue, I still look forward to seeing where your story goes next.
UsagiBella chapter 3 . 8/15/2012
Hm, this story seems great so far. I'm definitely going to keep reading it. I like how much detail you put into the dialogue, but you still keep it simple. (If what I just said made any sense, heh.)

To me, I think the way you introduce your characters is ok. (I think that Vato was the one who slapped me in the face. Literally.)

I think the plot of this is really good, the action and scenes in between that are great. Keep writing this, I like it.
Hohoho84932 chapter 3 . 8/14/2012
I've read chapter 3 and I like it. It's a bit of a slow chapter, but it's still very interesting, and I like how you are filling in the background of the world a bit. Vato is a pretty unlikeable character too. I look forward to seeing where its going!
Brightmare chapter 3 . 8/13/2012
I am really enjoying this story so far. At first I was concerned you may be being overly descriptive with the first couple of paragraphs of chapter one, but you quickly reined it in to a very good level, giving enough detail to know what is going on without making it too overly descriptive.

Your characters were intriguing, although I think some more expression of emotion of your main character (in a way that fits the mechanical theme, such as the erratic movement of certain pieces of machinery or something) would not go amiss as they could be more relatable. Vato and Papa have been your strongest two thus far in my opinion for that reason.

Finally, and it is a very small point, I feel that innocuous isn't the best word for the last sentence of chapter 3. Other than these honestly very minor things, you have done some excellent work thus far and I wish you luck in the future.
ArchibaldClue chapter 1 . 8/13/2012
Overall, the chapter is a good start to the story, although I think you may have described certain things a tad much. I felt like the first paragraph could have just been summarized as "It was raining"

Its good to have description, but once you note that it is raining in a forest and perhaps that the trees are abnormally huge, I think the picture is basically set unless there is something that the reader needs to know in order to comprehend what is going on.

I take it that Jeremy and Denver aren't human, the names just made me instantly think they were. I was confused when I started reading about fur and bunny ears and I thought that I had skipped a part or that it was the natives in the forest that looked this way as it seemed to fit the nature theme.

I think there may be something wrong with the italics or it is simply my screen.

The story starts off well, you get an introduction to all three groups, but I also think it causes some confusion when reading. Perhaps you could add more description to characters instead of the environment when its something like a forest or any environment that readers may have some prior knowledge to draw upon.
SomeInfamousGuy chapter 1 . 8/12/2012
You slipped into the past tense at the start of the chapter when the rest was in present tense.

I really admire your idea, but the characters were so surreal and so predictable I really found it difficult to read. You have good plot potential, but you just need to re-think the characters slightly imo.
As a reader, I really enjoy connecting with characters the author has created. I'm not gonna lie, I'll probably find it difficult in this story. The only character I could somewhat connect with was Jeremy, but Denver only annoyed me. I think a humanoid plant isn't very appealing as a 'main' character, but if you changed the native race of this world to mammals with a blood flow and a beating heart I would find it a lot more believable.

I'm gonna use a bad metaphor to describe this.

First, imagine for a moment that Terminator: Salvation was a good film.
Imagine the character development of John Connor and that human/robot hybrid I can't remember the name of. You would easily be able to connect with them right? I know I would. I would feel for their fails and triumphs.

Now Imagine that the humans in Terminator: Salvation were basically a race of Tangelas from Pokemon.
Still connect with the characters? I would connect with the hybrid, but I wouldn't take the rest of the plot seriously.

Anyway, as I said; great idea! Keep it up.
Hohoho84932 chapter 1 . 8/12/2012
I really really liked this. There's alot goin on even though it's just started, and I like how you have these four chraacters all fighting against each other.. and you don't really know who the bad guy is. I couldn't find any spelling mistakes which I tguess means you've read through it a lot. I also really want to know what happens next. It's very full of action, and I like that its not just lots of telling about the characters.

Great work!
Solomon Sia chapter 2 . 8/11/2012
Really, really cool. This scene read smoothly and sweetly. You have a knack for writing fight scenes which are both action packed and harrowing, yet have a deeper significance to the plot of the story. It was a very strong preview of the events to come.

I got a very nice understanding of the father and Hilda relationship, because its very clear how much the father cares about the daughter and the land, and also how much Hilda looks up to her father and depends on him for support. At the same time, the fighting style of the guardians of the forest is truly terrifying, especially when placed in their home element. not least because hilda seems more than a little malicious, and apparently delights in causing fear in her prey. Of course, when the forest burns from the incendiary grenade, she ends up weeping in fear, a sudden childish response which is jarring to the reader, and serves to make the guardians even less human.

One more of the many things I liked about this extract was the similarities in the way the different sides viewed each other. I loved how both the guardians and the machines viewed each other with contempt, and how each of them were proved wrong. 'Papa' said the machines were nonliving and unfeeling, yet Jeremy's actions clearly contradict that. Similarly, Denver believes herself invulnerable to the creatures of the wild, yet she got literally taken apart. You used the change of perspective masterfully in this manner, highlighting the contrasts, the false prejudices and likenesses of the two sides in bold.

Like this story, please write more.
Solomon Sia chapter 1 . 8/11/2012
ha, I had to read this after reading the summary! I love epic fantasy.

And I must say the writing doesn't disappoint, I might be slightly biased in this review, because you've pushed all the right buttons to get me interested.

Denver has really distinct characterisation. I think her form and her words speak volumes for themselves. You have some very nice imagery, but what is most impressive about your story are the constant hints that open the reader's eyes to your creativity. Denver is not ordinary, and neither is Jeremy. In fact, they may be something the fantasy world has never seen before. At the same time, you deliberately tease the reader by not reviewing more of their image than that which comes naturally, and you do the same for the mysterious guardians. Despite the sudden drop into a new world, it is clear that this story has both a past and a future.

You've mastered the essentials of imagery, character development and pacing, and this is a very well polished start.

I'm reading on.
Do Play With Fire chapter 1 . 8/11/2012
I like your writing, but what is with all of the [i]'s, and why is Denver a bunny. More of an explanation to what the characters are could be useful.
-Alex
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