|Reviews for Black Hole, Contained!|
| VeraSilver chapter 2 . 8/13/2012
The only glaring error I could find was that you kept drifting in and out of present tense, sometimes even in the same sentence... which felt a bit weird. Examples:
"but he's like that with everything. Except what he wants, unless someone else has it or has had it recently. But he doesn't want the box, and he likes everything Amelia hasn't talked him out of.
Food will be up soon and I was coming up with an idea."
You need to reread it and check everything is in the past tense, as that's the point of view your story is written from.
The story seems to be good. I like that you've started off with this box, it makes a very good focal point for your story. Things are off to a very fast pace as well, which is great.
On the downside- you have a lot of characters, that are being introduced in a very, very short space of time. Simply listing all of your characters at the start of the story is not good writing, I'm afraid to say. It's also just such a large amount to introduce, I count six at least, not including the main character. I think you need to slow down on this a bit. When you introduce a new character, show them speaking some dialogue, make the dialogue a very good example of the type of thing they would say, and then say what your main character thinks about them, a give a quick description. We get to know characters far better if we see them speaking, see them doing things, see what they're passionate about by what they say/do, and then get given a description from your main character.
With your story, it is just a really long list of names in an extremely short space of time. You can't expect your reader to want to constantly go back and check a name to try and memorise who is who. You need to introduce them dynamically in a way that makes them and their attributes stick in memory. Physical descriptions help too.
Your story has a lot of potential. Good luck with it.