|Reviews for Prom Date|
| Ruff Desperado chapter 1 . 11/8
Yeah, so, this story is, uh, definately interesting. I don't know though. I just feel like this story kinda loses some potential of being even better. Nothing wrong with the grammar, dialogue or anything. It's perfect. It's just, Danny seemed really hard done by in this story. Now that I think about it, Danny spent over $600 to turn into a girl, be forced to enjoy it under a spell, and date a male friend. The spell forced Danny to act like a girl while his mind seemed to know what was going on. From a boy's perspective I can tell you that's a horror, okay. If he did have the full ability to move in his female body it could have been a comedy, like he could have been, "OMG I'm a girl? I've got boobs?" etc etc. But he had to sit back, watch it all happen, and then he thought his dad doesn't see him as a hopeless son anymore. Harsh?
The ending came abrupt all of a sudden. It's not clear whether he turned back into a boy or not, I'm not even sure if it's a cliffhanger or being an ambiguous open ending.
I legit have so much more to talk about when I PM you...
| TheReluctantWriter chapter 1 . 11/4
Okay, I’m just going to dive right in. These are the minor things I picked up in the story:
Maybe separate the first couple of lines of dialogue. May work better visually but that’s a personal preference.
Causing his already bleak mood to grow even darker – is darker the right word? Maybe Sullen or surly – again this could just be a personal preference.
Smiled gamely? – Maybe change gamely?
Love that they randomly have a ‘Spells R Us’ store haha!
After a moment, he shrugged before walking through the door and was met by the sight…” This sentence seems too long to me. Maybe break up into 2?
Peering through a jeweler’s loupe at a small piece of jewelry – it’s kind of implied with the jeweler’s loupe that he would be looking at jewelry. Perhaps specify – maybe it’s a ring, or a diamond earring.
Your date will appear one hour after you open the suitcase….the spell takes effect immediately – contradiction? Or maybe I’m just not understanding the spell enough yet.
It’s a really interesting story! Most of my criticism are probably more personal preferences than reflection on your work. The twist was really interesting, definitely hadn’t guessed the story would go that way when reading the beginning. The end was a little confusing though but that could just be me. Don’t quite get why the spell controlled all of his movements rather than just changing his reality/making him a girl. Could be an interesting follow up to the story where he is in control of his body and trying to adapt to the new world or get back to the way things used to be.
Overall great work!
| Isobel Moon chapter 1 . 11/4
This was so good! I loved everything about it and it was so funny but at the same time meaningful. you did a good job at portraying Danny's emotions throughout so that you could relate to him, even though it was an unrealistic situation.
| addledwalrus chapter 1 . 10/23
I found this to be a rather intriguing story and you created quite some suspense with the way you wrote Danny's thoughts.
I am pretty confused by the ending, but I guess it's mostly just me.
| Bluestarbutterfly chapter 1 . 3/13
Wow. This was an interesting story. When I first read it, I was like "Okay, another story about a guy falling in love with a girl," but to be honest, I was surprised at the end. I felt like there was a good message in the story. Like for example, Danny was wanting a date for the prom, but then, he was the date through a magic spell or something. He was seeing the world through the eyes of a girl and also he could see what the world was like if he was a girl. I felt sad about the friendship between Danny and Jenny changed. I don't know if that was what you were doing, but good job. The grammar was good. But could use a little more work. But then again, everyone has a different way of writing.
| miracleff chapter 1 . 2/6
What a twist! I wasn't expecting that, and after the twist happened, the story picked up pace and was an enjoyable read. Keep it up:)
| Wonderfall Wonderwall chapter 1 . 12/29/2015
It was definitely an interesting one. Not my usual cup of tea, but yeah it's really, uh, fucking long but it's a one shot. I do like some of the things you've done here, I think one of the things you should do is maybe make your characters more...relatable in the long run. I think for a one shot this works, but I think if you decide to write a long running story, work to make your characters and surroundings pop more.
| angelinsydney chapter 1 . 2/28/2015
The story is well written. I congratulate you on a massive effort.
It is not my thing however so I'm afraid any critique I offer would be coloured by that.
Over four thousand words for a chapter is too long, but that's more a matter of opinion. It was a little slow so I speed read it.
I'd give it three stars.
Take care and carry on.
| Sparklemaster58 chapter 1 . 2/7/2015
| rtcw chapter 1 . 2/1/2015
Hmm. This was really well written. I think your doing a great job. As far as I am concerned your writing is straight and to the point.
| SilverCat64 chapter 1 . 1/21/2015
i thought it was really well written, better than anything i could have written anyway. there was a good amount of detail, it has a reeling plot, in other words a good read. i wouldnt change a thing. keep writting im positive it will get even better as you progress.
| radicalgirl39 chapter 1 . 1/18/2015
Good detail. Grammar is great. I love it!
| Laurence Spencer chapter 1 . 1/8/2015
Very interesting concept and I am curious to see where it goes. A few things that could help it read better, such as breaking up the paragraphs a bit more so that they aren't blocks of text and can be read easier. It would be better to replace a lot of "The teenager" and "the boy" either with he or with Danny's name, since that is who you're talking about. And it's hard to see a high school senior having 600 dollars to drop on prom night... maybe somewhere around 200 to 250 is more realistic.
| Zalinka chapter 1 . 1/8/2015
This is actually quite funny! Definitely an unexpected twist. I really can't find anything that I personally would change - Your grammar and diction are excellent. The only thing I might do would be to add, maybe, a couple paragraphs about whether or not the spell ends by morning or if Danny has to live the rest of his life as a girl. Otherwise, this is really good!
| The CL chapter 1 . 1/8/2015
Let me preface this review by saying that this is not the type of story that I'd choose to read on my own but since you asked nicely for a review, here it is.
The story was very well written, grammar and punctuation all accounted for. Your writing is descriptive yet not to the point where it bogs the reader down, for me that's a plus. The story flows well and it's easy to get engrossed in it.
I'm not really a fan of the fantasy genre so most of my problems with the story are probably because of that so I won't go into detail on what I didn't like. The only thing I will point out is that I didn't care for the ending. If this is a complete story, it left me feeling unsatisfied. I'm not sure if there was a lesson in all of this for Danny (it felt like one of those stories that was out to teach the MC a lesson) and if there was what was it? What was I as a reader suppose to take away from this?
If you decide to revise or add another chapter I'll be back to read it because now it's stuck in my head and I need answers!