|Reviews for Psychic Revelations|
| Maz P chapter 6 . 1/28/2013
too lazy to log in but AWEsome chapters it feels like its been forever but i totally remembered everything xD! i wonder what happened to me O.O i hope i didn't die xD please continue soon!
| Phillip chapter 4 . 11/12/2012
Ch4 Good chapter. Your story is progressing well. Do you have an editor to check your work?
| Mazarine chapter 4 . 11/7/2012
YAY im in it Thank Yu! sorry it took me a few days to get to it but nice chapter :D will there be a little action soon? O.O plz? lol it was a good chap :) btw could you pm me when you upload another chap? i have a lot of stories on favs so it will take a while if you don't lol but i should get to it xD GOOD CHAP UPDATE SOON!
| Mazarine chapter 3 . 9/23/2012
YAY I noticed :D Ty Ty Ty Ty this story is sounding so awesome :) great Hal longer next time plz xD
| radred chapter 1 . 8/29/2012
I'm not trying to be harsh, just saying which parts could be improved.
that's the reason most people put stuff on here, yes?
i know that i originally sucked at writing, but after i had a few people point out the major issues (many of which i did not even know were issues) i started to improve. I'm still not great, but i certainly have a better idea of what i'm doing than i would have without their input. how is anyone supposed to get better if people don't tell them what they are doing wrong? a single piece of advice is more useful than ten words of praise.
| Phillip H chapter 2 . 8/17/2012
I feel that your reviewer was harsh. We all make mistakes in writing - that's why writers have editors.
I do like your story and I hope you will continue. (Make the chapters longer.)
So that you don't feel too bad let me tell you something from my past. I'm a maths/science teacher on the wrong side of 50yo. I submitted my reports to the Don of English. He read the first few and then in loud voice announced to the other staff who were in the room. "Phillip, this is amazing. You have put past, present and future tense all in the same sentence."
| Mazarine chapter 2 . 8/17/2012
Amazing story I enjoyed every second of it! You better continue 0.0 no quitting because I am physically drawn to this story now so if ya quit I will be very mad YUP mad . (evil glare) do seeing as you will be continuing (hopefully . ) I was hoping against hope that you'll find it in your heart to (malcom In the middle quote) let me be In the sort ;D plz plz plz plz plz plz plz my ORIGINAL CHARACTER is as follows
NAME: Mazarine (it means blue gem or ice or something)
POWER: (if I can have one plzplzplzplzplzplz)
I would like to control water and ice. and air if possible (like avatar the last airbender, watch it if u haven't)
PERSONALITY: kind, loyal, clumsy, shy but once you get to know me AWESOME xD also I love the water haha big surprise
AGE: whatever age John is. or one year younger no older plz
BACKROUND: you can make one up but my lame attempt is: born in a small town sent to the facility for physics after my father died when I was 10 my mom died before then :(
PM ME love this story! btw if u can't put me In still pm me I won't be mad unless you quit this story . -Mazarine
| radred chapter 2 . 8/14/2012
it's pretty good so far. some of your syntax and grammar could use some work though.
the very beginning reads quite poorly as well. The whole:
"Zoe asked, "We've never taken it before. How come we have to do take it now?"
"Because of the fact you were both too young for it. Now you both need to get ready. We'll be going in 15 minutes."
doesn't really work.
Try using thought and indirect speech to get the point across, and make a bigger deal out of it This was a major point in the children's development as people.
(failing that, changing it to "Because you were too young" would work wonders as well. it reads a lot more like how somebody would actually talk.)
*The family and I
*Zoe and I
They also figure out how to use their powers way to easily. I know it could just be a matter of wanting to cut to the chase quicker, but i think it would be better to extend it a bit more.
As she got closer, she found that it wasn't a pile of rags, but it was actually a child, one that was only about 9 years old, who was wearing some of the oldest clothes she'd ever seen.
This sentence is too long. use more periods.
"Most of the time I can create a spark just by clicking my fingers but it doesn't seem to be working today."
comma more. (after fingers)
"Umm, yeah. You killed two guards when you were trying to escape. The one you threw through the glass took a shard of it to his jugular, whilst the other one had his spine broken when you threw him into that wall."
how does she know this? would it be better to say that she overheard the guards?
"Pretty much. I heard the guards talking about some way to punish you and your sister when they dragged you in here."
that sounds pretty damn unprofessional. my advice would be to maintain a very clinical, aloof feeling as far as the guards are concerned. they are a little too sadistic to be believable.
"You're lying on it."
"Then where's my bed?"
The girl hesitated. "You're... Lying in it."
A look of shock flashed across my face before I replied, "What?! Are we sharing a bed or something?"
She looked ashamed for a moment then leaned in close to me and whispered, "I'm sorry, but yes. They want to see how two different psychics with completely different powers interact in the same environment, or something like that. Sounds like a load of crap to me, but we have to go along with this if we don't want to be punished by them."
I like this dialogue.
"Sounds like a load of crap to me, but we have to go along with this if we don't want to be punished by them." could have been done better, but the rest is good.
if you want, i can go over the whole thing more in depth and give advice on how to fix up individual grammar and syntax issues. i'm not perfect, but i have a fairly good idea of what i'm doing. PM me.