wow...i had read chapter one eariler today so planned to read the second..then i read the 3...then the 4...and now the fifth. let me tell, you this story is amazing. it's so original, i have never heard anthing like it before. im enjoying this so much! please post soon for your little fan lol:P
-steph135

wow. this looks really good! i caught my attention right away and held it till the end. nice work, this looked very interesting! onto chapter 2

Aw, so sad. :( I really cant wait to see how this plays out for her.

Another great chapter which really sets the scene for her desperation and loneliness. You can certainly feel how lost she is. My only comment is the fact that the truck managed to hit her and fling her to the side walk? My first thought would be that it would pass right through her, just like everything else she tries to touch/move.

But other than that, good job and interested to see where you will go next - are you ever going to go back in time and show us about her relationships with her family and friends etc?

Wow, very dark intro and I really like it. Its quite a "page" turner hehe

Whoa... Nicely written, very tragic but extreamly beautiful.

Good chapter! You really capture her helplessness and denial and I thought her reactions were quite powerful.

[The body is in the morgue.] - I love this! I love that she refers to it as "the" body and it's not until she finally sees it, that she refers to it as "her" body - this is good.

[I feel strangely like if I can make sure I don't let it out of my sight,] - this kinda reads a little strange. It's a good point, but the sentence just needs rewording.

[I think I didn't really believe they would come, but they did] - same with this one, just doesn't quite flow.

Overall a very good chapter and I wonder where you are going next. Are we going to keep moving forward, because how much can she do now she is dead and trapped, or are we going backwards, to learn more about her life. It's interesting and quite similar in theme to the book Before I Fall, so I am intrigued to see where you take it.

I like morbid stories. A lot. They're more interesting than drama stories sometimes. This is really good. And I will continue reading, but not at the moment - expect more reviews from me soon!

I like the way you start it off, but I do think the way you introduced the way she died is a little abrupt. She's being sentimental and then all of a sudden, it's like 'oh, I was hit by a car.'

Maybe you would want to try something like "I would have paid more attention while I was driving down that street. I would have seen that car before it was too late, and then I wouldn't be in this situation."

Just a suggestion :)

Also, the transition is a little rough to her accepting she's dead. Maybe it's because I haven't read past this first bit, but she seems to adapt to being dead very quickly. I would think that people would be a little more freaked out for at least a few days, if they even realized they were dead in that period of time.

How sad :(

I love your diction. It overall sets a tone of despair and death.

I also like the perspective of this whole situation. It's clear that she's obviously moved on from our life, but is stuck and must watch through the eyes of a ghost, if that makes sense at all XD I wonder if she's going to try and communicate with those she left behind and try to make amends?

Overall, I'm quite interested on what's going to happen next. I think you're a wonderful writer, and this story has promise. :) Keep up the good work.

I'm curious, when the speaker was till alive and communicating with her family, was she suffering from some sort of depression? It just seems like that, which isn't a bad thing at all. It's actually good to have characters have flaws. :)

I really like how you have the speaker cut off her sentence as the car slams into her friend's car. That was creative and well thought out :)

[Today, on my way to school, I was hit by a car on my way to school with my friend Anne] I think you should remove one of the "on my way to school" since you wrote it twice in the same sentence.

Avoid addressing the reader by using words such as "you" or "you're." A author can't possible know what a reader is feeling or know whay they want. The paragraph you wrote was perfect and it did create a wonderful emotion of acknoldgement about death, but if you want to keep to formalities,then remove the yous. I use to think that addressing the reader was fine, that was until my AP english teacher said otherwise. (His lecture was much more harsh and scary XI)

I really enjoyed this opening; it was well written and I didn't find any mistakes. You managed to creat a range of emotions, and keep a great theme of acknoldgement of death, and you did all that in a short amount of words.

From this start, i'm curious as to where chapter two is going to begin. The speaker claims that this story is about how she died, but in what aspect and starting from what time? I suppose these questions will be answered if I just go to chapter two XD

When I read that you would tell the story of how she died , I didn't expect it to be this close to the actual time she died. If you're going for one of those back in time things, that's really cool, otherwise it just seems odd. I also like how you make the main character very nonchalant towards everything in her life, even though I still don;t know her name. On a side note, I like how each chapter is really short. Way too often, I get 4,000 word chapters where nothing happens and it just becomes hard to read. To see something so short is really refreshing

First things first, I never read a story like this before. Narration by a soul - feels like fantasy. But the tragedy and pain is well captured. I'm a little confused with your using present tense for the narration, but then probably it's just me! As I read the last line, the use of the tense seemed to make sense.

I'm really happy that the chapters are not too long and your expressions are to the point.

Well style of writing apart, I really appreciate the choice of the subject. I think it'll be ironic if I say - I loved the story line

I just hope this doesn't draw from your personal experience (I mean the tragedy!)

Keep up the good work!

Regards
buddyBatmanWW