|Reviews for The Girl With No Name|
| ifeelmad1 chapter 2 . 5/21/2013
Sorry, got wrapped up in writing something, forgot about reviewing. I'll have it down before the 30th.
This is an adorable chapter, but I'm having a bit of trouble with the way some of these sentences are structured. Just a few. I'm feeling like cr*p so I'll specify later.
Something about the mayors and the Elders debate rubs me the wrongway. "Has she burnt someone as a cooking pot? Has a bag of flour harmed anyone? " etc. etc. And "the mayor tried but could find no argument." I just don't like the "debating" tone of the conversation, especially "the mayor could find no argument." It seems more like something you'd find in a book written by a young person, not to be offensive. The story is still very good. Reading on . . .
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 4 . 5/21/2013
You know when you’re reading something, and it feels like it’s going from strength to strength? This is like that. Another wonderful chapter, and I really like the small aspects of this world; the unicorn, for example. It’s introduced smoothly, with no kind of “oh look, it’s a unicorn. Look at how fantastical this world is!” feeling that some other pieces have. The voice and style works nicely, and you manage to convey the POV of the girl really well, especially as it’s in third person. I like the end of the chapter, too, and it shows nicely how her emotions are expressed in the forms she takes. Lovely stuff.
| Girlinblue24 chapter 5 . 5/20/2013
Oh, every girls dream. Have the knight in shining armor come to save you. Cute.
This chapter was much more pleasant than the others. More light-hearted and less sad. I enjoyed it a lot.
| Girlinblue24 chapter 4 . 5/20/2013
This has to be my favorite opening so far. I could feel the emotion that she must be feeling. The imagery in the paragraph was beautiful. I like how you had the trees humming and the stars chorusing like chirping crickets. And then, how the night had stayed the same which was comforting and disheartening because she had just lost her only friend. I can see how it’s comforting, since the night will never change or, at least, not as easily. It’s disheartening because, the night stayed the same and did not reflect how she was feeling.
This was very sad yet beautiful. I tip my hat to you.
The ending was perfect. I was more than thrilled that she did not let the soldier take her back to the village. She stood up for herself and used her fear to her advantage.
The scene with the girl turning into a bear was great. She shoved modesty and all of her ability to care away. She latched on the the raw emotion of her built up anger, frustration and sadness. She shifted into a bear and attacked the wolf who dare try to take something else away from her. This scene made her seem more real.
The goats were saved, and I feel like she must feel slightly better with having something to take a bit of her anger out on.
The dialogue was great. It was very fluid. It all seemed in place. It was proper and elegant, yet girlish for the girl with no name. It was also strong, easy yet authoritative for the soldier as it should be.
More worried about the books than wanting to be hydrated, some would see this as a flaw. I see this as a very sad girl wanting to hold onto her memories. This was a nice touch.
This soldier, he is doing his job... So, I can’t really not like him for that. Yet, I’m not too thrilled about it. But, alas, this is what a soldier must do. He seems real. If he would have let her go, I might have said something about it.
Your writing was swell as always. I like the imagery that was sewn throughout the chapter. The personification at the end was nice also when she gave form to her anger in the shape of a bear..
I am enjoying the pace of this novel so far. It is slow; however, because of that, it is interesting. This story does not lose its value due to the slower pace.
| Girlinblue24 chapter 3 . 5/20/2013
I like how you started this chapter out with a natural situation. The teacher asks the girl for her name, and she cannot respond reasonably. The teacher must think she is joking. But, in the end he got frustrated and called her no name. And having the kids laugh was an added touch. I can just picture the whole scene happening.
This ending was horribly sad. While the old man died in peace, the poor girl got kicked out of the village what felt like moments after. I suppose these people are acting reasonably. She does strange things that they are not accustomed to. However, it’s just cruel.
The part where you mentioned the parents/ adults turning childish was my favorite part in the chapter. It seemed to me to ring so true. When children are curious, parents tend to get worried. Had the old ma not been there, I am sure the parents would have kicked her out. I also liked the scene where her eyes and hair changed with her mood. I thought that was pretty cool.
I feel like I am starting to understand the girl with no name more and more as this story progresses. It takes guts to move on in life at such a young age when people, children and adults alike, bully a person. I’m proud of her. I’m glad that she is going to look for her father. It gives her something to hope for, something to life for.
It was rather sad that the old man died, but I think that it needed to happen to help the girl with no name develope more. I’m glad that he died in his sleep. If he would have died another way, I might have not been able to accept it, let alone the girl with no name.
I found how everyone acted in this chapter to ring true to everyday life. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Nice job.
Your writing style, as always, is lovely. I adore the imagery you use, which is very subtle. It’s enough to let me see what’s going on without drowning in words.
“This was not fear, simply childishness.” - This sentence just sounds odd to me. It doesn’t seem to flow as nicely as the rest do. But, this could just be me.
Overall, I’m hooked and I will continue reading and reviewing.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 4 . 5/19/2013
Howdy! I believe I owe you another review!
I would think-considering all the girl with no name has been through so far-she would be a little weary with handing out personal information such as her father's name to complete strangers on the side of the road, unless of course, she is naive and/or a bit dull (and there's nothing with naive and/or a bit dull brained characters; I personally made a character of mine quite naive and well, dumb, when in regards to the how the world/society works); however, the girl with no name hasn't come off to be naive, so I'm just puzzled as to why she would just hand out her dad's name like that.
And then again, in regards to ["They belonged to the Elder I lived with, but he died and the mayor said his property belongs to the village."] Assuming she isn't naive, why couldn't she of just kept it to "They belonged to the Elder I lived with, but he died." and just leave out that other bit. The only point it serves is to cause doubt within the soilder, and I don't think she would want a soilder doubting her?
It would be like if I stole a fancy coat from a store I used to work at, and then later on (while wearing the coat) I would run into a cop, prompting him to ask where I got the coat (such as where no name got the goats). I would say "I use to work at Nordstrom, but I was fired and so I took their coat." No, I wouldn't add that last bit. XP
I liked the part where she tried to calm the sheep. It seems believable, since I'm sure that if I were a goat, and I just saw a bear and wolf get into a little spat, I'd be freaked out.
There's nothing really wrong with what you wrote in this chapter, I'm just struggling to see what the point is. All that happened really is her transforming into a bear (which we already know she can do) and a quick talk with a soldier. I'm sure that you can perhaps add some more to it, as in plot development?
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 18 . 5/18/2013
I enjoyed this chapter. It's interesting to see that Leifhound's motives may not be entirely friendly- he wants the girl on his side so she doesn't later cause him trouble. I'm not sure what she thinks about that, though, so I'm very curious to find out what happens next.
| ifeelmad1 chapter 1 . 5/18/2013
"She was not unloved nor very lonely for the world sang to her" Don't you think you should put a comma before "for"? I know its
intended to have a fairy tale style, but there are a few spots where the lack of a comma looks a little awkward.
"But the long months that her child grew inside" Maybe you should change it to, "but throughout those long months, during which her child grew inside of her" or "as her child grew inside of her". "That her child grew inside" isn't correct.
"That were still buried in the girls soul" could you try "were, to this day, still buried within the irls soul? " or something like that?
"If he knew he had a daughter" maybe change it to "if he had known". "No one expects the companion who . . ." This is a very long, awkward sentence. And "your side" isn't a good choice of words when you began the sentence saying "Noone", a better choice would be "his side". Put "his ancestors" instead of "your ancestors." And instead of "black heart had been hidden" maybe try "black heart had hidden itself" or something.
Overall, I love the setting; you've introduced it well. It makes sense that paper is expensive there. The fairy tale writing is very recognizable and appealing, but it seems to clash with the angst about her parents' death. I feel that this would have sounded better if the specific manner of the parents' death had been mentioned in a later chapter. But I like stories that don't contain a lot of physical description.
I'll be reviewin the next chapter soon :)
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 17 . 5/18/2013
I really enjoyed the descriptions of how she set herself up in her cave and making her plants grow. I love little details like that!
Good characterization of the girl with the harelip. All too often in fantasy, every character the protagonist meets and helps is a good-looking, witty genius. So I find it entertaining and original that this character is 'uneducated and dull'.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 16 . 5/18/2013
Another interesting chapter- I liked the prince. I'm wondering if the girl is going to get herself into trouble with authority...
| Highway Unicorn chapter 3 . 5/17/2013
I liked the idea of the children being cruel (not that I like the idea of cruel children, but how it sheds some truth.) Kids are cruel; they say horrible things. And they learn it from their parents (as you have pretty much stated in the narrative.) There is this poem video called "To This Day Project - Shane Koyczan" on Youtube by Shane Koyczan (Username) that you might be interested in. He talks about bullying, and it's quite powerful. :)
["It is hard to believe in what you can not see."] This is so true.
I think you mention in chapter one that the father was murdered? If so, I'm interested to see where this journey takes the girl, and if she'll come across the man who murdered her father.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 15 . 5/17/2013
I really like the descriptions of the landscape in this chapter. It gives us a nice sense that the girl has arrived in a new and different place- something really essential in stories with journeys.
I didn't notice any typos or anything like that in this chapter.
| Girlinblue24 chapter 2 . 5/17/2013
Being able to change her shape huh? That’s pretty cool. A sack of flour, a baby, a cat... a bird? Geez. That would be crazy to try to take care of. And then a snake... this poor old man.
I do like your writing style. Just enough detail without over doing it.
| Girlinblue24 chapter 1 . 5/17/2013
I like how you started with ‘Once upon a time’. You never really see that happening much now a days. I kind of liked it. I found it kind of refreshing to read something like this. Most of the time I’m reading fast paced action stories. But, this made me remember why I liked fantasy in the first place. Nice job. You write very well.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 14 . 5/13/2013
Another good chapter. I really like the descriptions here- they are atmospheric. For example, you show the girl's reaction to a place or setting as well as a short description. This makes it a lot more 'real'. It was particularity good when the reader realises she's walked into a graveyard.
I did feel sorry for here here... I'm really curious to know how she deals with what she found out in the graveyard. I think this is the first time we've really seen her so overcome by emotion.