|Reviews for The Girl With No Name|
| Bard.Of.Many.Voices chapter 26 . 5/7/2013
I didnt do much editting the last two chapters, so I'm doing lot here. Hope you dont mind!
To divert more of the river water that flowed in through the northeast there was a reservoir and a significant series of irrigation channels which supplied the northeastern estates.
Try: A significant series of irrigation channels supplied the northeastern estates and diverted more of the river water that flowed in through the northeast.
Or something like that, so that it isnt passive.
Four main gates stood north, south, east, and west, with smaller ones to the northeast, southeast and so to the west and two tiny ones, more like doors in unobtrusive places.
I suggest: Four main gates stood facing the cadinal directions with smaller ones to the northeast, southeast, northwest, and southwest, as well two tiny ones to the west, more like doors in unobtrusive places." I might have gotten your meaning wrong, if so, just revise the sentence however, because it doesn't make much sense.
"like a deranged and over zealous pentagram." I like that.
"The city within the walls was large enough to have it's own hill and valley..." This should be its with no appostrophe.
"The Emperor's private dwelling was one of the few buildings with an actual garden, but it was obscured by courtyard walls, only visible through the iron gate, which was locked, barred, and guarded on both sides."
This has "was" a lot. If you could edit that out, it might improve the flow.
"defeated Agnostics who found they had too many choices and hoped it would all sort itself out eventually." I like that.
The part about her disguising herself as an old man... You hit the spot there. So true.
| Bard.Of.Many.Voices chapter 25 . 5/7/2013
Leifhound sulked as only a youth can sulk when he realizes a rainbow cannot be kept in a pocket. -Love that
The girl laughed. "I need no name, sir. I am a sorceress."-Love that too
Great chapter. I like how she wants more attention now and how she goes about getting it. It makes sense. I didnt spot any typos or confusions here.
| Bard.Of.Many.Voices chapter 24 . 5/7/2013
This is such a good chapter. I love it!
| Bard.Of.Many.Voices chapter 23 . 5/7/2013
The possibility of engagement to the little Tivin princess hung over both of them like a dark shadow, and the girl prayed that the Tivan's had accepted a younger brother in Leifhound's stead.
Are Tivan and Tivin different? If so, I suggest changing one name so as to lessen confusion. If not, here's a typo.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 13 . 5/6/2013
Exciting chapter- I love the idea of the flying caravan. I like the little details about her observations of people's reactions to her, and her fright when the flying starts- a nice realistic touch.
| Firewind555 chapter 2 . 4/29/2013
Ive read chap 1 and 2, and i have to say that is a rather intriguing world you have created there.
Like you said, it is something both adults and children can enjoy, based on how you started-'once upon a time'.
I think this would make a great book, even though ive only read a bit.
| Harlee Rae chapter 2 . 4/29/2013
Hello again, I enjoyed the second chapter almost as much as the first, and loved how the Elder made the mayor see how ridiculous it was to fear a child that could change shape, and how they had no reason unless she had harmed another (which she didn't). I also love how you left the end of this, letting us wonder what exactly happened when she went to school.
Only one minor awkward moment, "The reliability of the only reliable witness now in question, the girl and her guardian were left in peace"...the reliability of the only reliable...is a bit awkward and wordy... maybe use a synonym? Such as trustworthy? Using different forms of the same words is a bit awkward in the same sentence unless you are trying to emphasize something, and usually then you use the same word more than twice to establish that it wasn't a fluke.
But yet again, otherwise it is perfection and a great start to the girls journey :)
| Harlee Rae chapter 1 . 4/29/2013
So I really like this so far. Though there was a sentence that was a bit wordy- "No one expects the companion who had fought hard against wind and wave by your side for weeks on end in a small boat to reach a shore abandoned three centuries ago by your ancestors to show such treachery." I feel as if you should split the two topics up in to separate sentences- The fact that they were going to a place in a small boat to reach a shore abandoned centuries ago, and the fact that no one expects someone who had fought hard against wind and wave by your side to show such treachery. Maybe first say "They had travelled in a cramped little boat, seeking a shore abandoned centuries ago by their ancestors, the father's excitement building as they got ever closer. Unfortunately, no one suspects that their lone companion who had fought hard against wind and wave by your side for weeks on end would show such treachery."
This is of course by no means perfect at all (I am not comfortable writing in third person omnipotent AT ALL and it shows) but it does break it up and let the reader absorb both facts easier than trying to follow both in one huge sentence.
Of course as the author it is your prerogative to keep it as you will, and otherwise this beginning is perfect, it really engaged me, and drew me in :) I look forward to reading more when I return home tonight after work :)
| mingsquared chapter 2 . 4/20/2013
I found this chapter much more refreshing than the previous one. You did a good job of catching the attention of the reader right off the bat. Elder is a wonderful character, and you displayed his wisdom perfectly with the dialogue. He reminds me of an ancient Greek philosopher. I would also like to add that his patience is commendable, though I find it odd that a baby could stand not eating for three days as a bag of flour!
One suggestion I do have is that I think it would be better to show rather than tell the audience the shapeshifting. Unless you are trying to write a children's storybook, which I'm sure that is not your intention. Perhaps in the future chapters you will, but I'll have to read on to find out.
Overall, very nice job. I enjoyed the humor a lot.
| mingsquared chapter 1 . 4/20/2013
I find it interesting that you began the chapter off with "Once upon a time." It seems many writers avoid this kind of introduction as it seems too "simple.". I personally think that the "once upon a time" is too generic for fairytales, but if you're trying to keep with tradition then I don't see anything wrong with it.
I felt your writing is kind of poetic, though it doesn't really mask the vast amount of information you presented here. Although you have laid a good foundation for your story, to me this chapter seemed more like a Prologue than an actual chapter.
[There was a very simple reason why the other children pelted her with their mud and sticks and cruel words. It was the same [thing] that had driven her ancestors from the land three centuries ago.
I especially like this last part. However I feel "reason" would sound much better than "thing". Reason really isn't a thing.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 4/20/2013
I really like this chapter. You do a great job of drawing the reader in, making it fresh and funny. I especially like the old man's attitude towards it all. I found it more engaging than the first chapter; maybe consider starting with this one and working in the rest of the back story? (Just an idea.) I very much liked the dialogue between the mayor and the Elder, and it shows a lot about the characters involved. Great stuff.
| Link Roc chapter 14 . 4/19/2013
Aw, geez...I don't say this often about stories, but this chapter tugged at my heartstrings more than just a bit.
It's funny, this chapter went up and down with me.
She finds out about Mortigan in town - I feel good for her
She finds out he's dead - I felt so bad for her
The guy talks about an ugly girl with a unibrow - makes me laugh quite a bit
She cries out and flies off, wanting to be a lone - AGAIN, I feel bad!
GREAT chapter though, I will say that.
| Link Roc chapter 13 . 4/19/2013
AAAH! GENDER-BENDING! -nods- A classic staple of comedic magic at work! I know it all too well, I've used it myself, so I say YES! Man, that bathroom break in mid-air would've been awkward. I'd really hate to be a traveler passing underneath them and just BAM! The crappiest air delivery of ALL time.
| Link Roc chapter 12 . 4/19/2013
-reads Author's Note- WELL, never mind the "Pegasi" plural suggestion XD
MAN! I haven't been reviewing in a LOOONG time, SORRY! _"""" Busy as crap...and a bit lazy, to be honest.
No Name is pretty smart with her money, using a cave to save what she has and is clever, using repel magic like that. I'm also glad she managed to find a ray of hope to finding Mortigan. The bearded caravan worker made me laugh. Even with his potential client saying "Okay, I'll wear pants and I'll do what I can", he still says no. I'm sure she'll find some way to convince him otherwise, but I can't help imagine that if she were an evil magic-user, she'd give him a reason not to deny her passage based on her sex. HA!
I predict she's either gonna convince, or sneak aboard...I'll have to find out in the coming chapters!
| WriterElsewhere chapter 3 . 3/29/2013
I'm baaaack! :D
Anyway. I think this chapter is one that several people who have been bullied in their lives can relate to. I don't know if putting some of the insults in would help the reader even further, but the situation is clear.
I especially like the vagueness of the land of magic and wizardry. The way that it's described in the chapter seems more fairy-tale like, which provides a sense of wonderment about it. I'm not sure if you wanted the reader to perceive it that way, but I certainly did. It drew me in to the relationship that she had with the old man.
I enjoy how the chapters are short and gets the point across; but as a personal preference, I like thoroughness. However, I have to contradict myself regarding this story. The length of each chapter you've chosen so far is fitting to how the pacing currently is at this point in the story.
Bravo! Can't wait to read more!