|Reviews for The Girl With No Name|
| Argentum Vir chapter 5 . 2/24/2013
This chapter left me with a great feeling. It's a light, shining in the darkness. Amongst the bleak feelings in the other chapters, this was a welcome event. Although it does not wholly change the feeling so far, I think the girl has learned that people can be kind. Also the phrase, "What I don't know, won't hurt me" comes to mind. I suppose the reason the tavern owners welcomed her was because she seemed normal.
I didn't notice anything too wrong like I had in the last chapter, but this stood out in particular:
[ Her stomach was a growing, growling concern...]
I'm not sure you need to repeat "growling". I'd advise you to cut out the first instance and the comma.
| SirScott chapter 27 . 2/23/2013
I found a typo in the first sentence: or a women who stopped complaining of her back.
The philosophical debate should be included, at least in a book, it explains the characters' world view to the reader. Omitting it sounds like something a movie would do.
| SirScott chapter 26 . 2/18/2013
Seems she is back to studing and healing the sick again. I only found one typo: The Emperor's private dwelling was one of the few building with an actual garden.
I think you meant buildings.
| Argentum Vir chapter 4 . 2/12/2013
Hmm, this chapter reminds me of the Bible. You know how rules were set in stone and people rarely showed pity or remorse and reveled in tradition. For those very reasons I felt that I would have hated to live those olden times (besides the lack of technology of course).
I'm not sure if some of the things you write should be written in the ways you do. Like this one for instance:
[The girl tried to give form to her anger.]
I think she succeeded in doing it. So tried isn't really necessary. It should be this:
[The girl gave form to her anger.]
The following line also sounds wrong.
[She let her fingers grow into claws, her skin to grow dark and thorny.]
The first part sounds right, but the second part not so much.
[She let her fingers grow into claws, and her skin became dark and thorny.]
Oh and unicorns are common (maybe uncommon) steeds? This really is a sort of storybook. xD
Overall, an enjoyable chapter. Expect another review soon.
Nox From the Roadhouse
| Reiz16 chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
The simple storybook way you tell this is nice. The black-hearted man seems interesting.
| RisanF chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
I'm a little bit confused about the father's journey. When you first start describing it, you mention the western desert, which implies that he's traveling by land. But in the following sentences, he's clearly sailing through the ocean on a boat. There's something missing from the world building.
Otherwise, your writing is pretty solid. There's a sentence that's stretches on for a bit long (the part about the father being killed by his friend), but the Grimm fairy-tale approach is well suited for a prologue, and gets to the point quickly.
| SirScott chapter 25 . 2/8/2013
I'm glad to see that she is traveling again.
| Corinne90 chapter 4 . 2/7/2013
I love your story, thanks for writing!
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 9 . 2/7/2013
I like the bit of back-story about the girl's parents here and the dialogue works well.
The bookseller looked dubious. "It's tedious, precise, and exacting work, not suited to the temperament of young girls."
"I'll get older," the girl said. [I enjoyed this bit of dialogue particularly, it made me laugh!]
I like the character of the bookseller- it's nice to see someone being kind to the girl.
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 8 . 2/7/2013
I liked this chapter- concise but charmingly written. I enjoyed the girl's exchange with the bookseller and his hints that he may be able to help her find out more from her father's books have got me intrigued.
They parted ways, never to meet again, but for a minute or so they were very good friends. [I thought this was nice, very poignant.]
| Argentum Vir chapter 3 . 2/6/2013
My Pandora has the oddest tendencies to come up with music that complements whatever I'm reading. This time it played something the made this chapter really hit my heart. I don't think I've ever cried while reading something, but I certainly can't say that anymore. Anyway, altogether a very sad chapter.
Sadly, most parents behave this way. When I have kids I'll be making it a point to be neutral and non-judgmental. This way I feel like my child can grow up and do the same. If people had not responded with fear in the face of uncertainty they might have seen the wonderful talent of this young girl. :'( The feels man, oh God the feels.
Overall, after my initial concerns I've really enjoyed these first few chapters. I may have to reference the original chapter for anything I missed (it was indeed a really big infodump).
| Argentum Vir chapter 2 . 2/6/2013
Okay, I liked this chapter a lot better. The Elder's sense of humorous wisdom had me chuckling a bit. I felt that having the mayor's sister run off with a soldier was an elegant solution to the endless chattering of rumors and otherwise indecent mutterings.
Now that you've pointed out the sort of campfire/storybook feel this has, I can enjoy it a lot better. If I had known that you were going for the children's book thing I wouldn't have said a thing (as the Hobbit is still one of my more favourite books and it starts out as such).
The last part of this chapter is some great food for thought. I've often wondered why many times wisdom is ignored and that sentence kind of puts it into perspective. Keep these first few chapters going like this and I'll read it just to see the neat little proverb at the end. Kind of like Cracker Jacks hehe.
| Argentum Vir chapter 1 . 2/6/2013
Alright to begin, this first chapter is an info dump. I will say it's a bit more interesting to read than some info dumps, but as a general rule of thumb they are boring and uninteresting to read. This is because any character development beyond basic things is quickly lost. They also overwhelm the reader with info that is better left to implication or exposition throughout the story. Some of it may even be better cut and stuck into a separate journal/short for the curious.
The setting seems interesting enough but this first chapter doesn't leave me much incentive to keep reading. Like your notes say it reminds one of a work already out there. In which case it falls to you to create a first chapter that really captures the charm and intricacies of your world. This is a major first step to help differentiate your work from other similar works.
I see potential, but this chapter is a big turn off to readers who don't feel an obligation to read.
| SirScott chapter 24 . 2/1/2013
The whole time with the prince does seem to take a way from the girl's adventure more than it adds to it, so I hope she moves on soon. On a personal note, I'm sorry for your lost and I wish you luck on your project.
| WriterElsewhere chapter 2 . 1/31/2013
A shape-shifting baby! How cool would that be if we had the ability to do that?
So far, I'm liking the Elder. For an old man, he's very clever! The dialog is very old-school; much like many fantasy novels. That particular scene, though, is very well written and believable.
One thing I would add- this is just a suggestion,-is a description of where the people live. We know the location, but not what anything looks like! Though, it leaves a lot of room for imagination. Personally, I imagine it much like a Disney-esque village. With hay roofing ... That sort of thing!
I'd also like to see an instant where the girl with no name actually changes into something. I think it would provide some humor. But overall, I think .. so far so good!