|Reviews for Legend of the Akari|
| Tune4Toons chapter 2 . 11/24/2012
Hey! Sorry about not getting the chance to review sooner (homework, hiatus, I forgot to announce at Racho eheh... But I got back from a trip, so here we go!)! I noticed you have this sort of fast-paced writing style like in the beginning here. Getting a writer's voice developed, yah? :P You know, when I picture a physical version of who this current Akari guy is, I see this funny little imp kind of guy. XD So that's just what I see based on how you have him. Haha I love the humourous dynamics you got going between the two. Wow, definitely action-oriented, I can see that fight scene with the monster pretty well, so that's a plus. :D But a quick note for that scene, there is more to action than just seeing; don't forget the other senses as well. Did the scratches sting? Did he start panting? Stuff like that.
["No major injuries, then? Nothing broken?" the voice sounded almost concerned.]
- Somewhere among the middle and the end of the passage where this line came from, it seems to be missing a deeper sense of confusion from Leon IMO. If some random voice comes in your head and starts talking to you, then asking if you were all right, how confused would you yourself feel even then, especially if this guy's warning you about something you have never heard of before? Something to think about.
[who controls it lies dead]
- Strange wording - lay, not lie, or some other word works too, but lie wouldn't be the word you were looking for
[he realized something: He couldn't]
- Same sentence (since you used colon), so next word wouldn't be capitalised
["That'll have to do," he thought]
- This is mainly me not being sure; is he saying these thoughts aloud or thinking in his head? If aloud, keep the quotation marks and add a quick line saying "thought aloud" to clarify. If in his head, italics instead would help clear that up.
[main part of the city]
You seem to be lacking in description at the moment, which is what I meant by your fast pace style. While being brief is good, at times, there isn't enough there to help imagine what it's like. What do you mean by "main part" of the city? Is it jam-packed? Is it crowded and noisy? Is it where all the tall skyscrapers are? Us readers need that imagery to help assist our imaginations since we can't see inside an author's head, but not too much.
Hope that helps! Cheers!
| CigarChomper chapter 2 . 10/31/2012
this has alot of promise. I assume the demons would go for world leaders and military comanders first?
| Tune4Toons chapter 1 . 8/23/2012
Hey! Well, looks like FFn can link me to FPcom, so here we go!
I like how your descriptions are not over-the-top, and give just what is needed; it gives enough for a general idea and leaves the rest to our imaginations. You gave background info that's needed, but without shoving it down our throats either. I wasn't expecting this, or the chapter ending, at all, so nice work! You got some good ground so far. Specifics:
[You can't touch the displays!" Kale shouted in his ear.] - Speech tag not needed
This one's more of a thought, but be sure not to make your narration too casual/lax, considering it's third person [Leon was seriously considering suicide], [To be honest, the only reason] since it'd make the narrator appear as an entity of its own. However, I also realise it's a style preference, so take that as you will. Hope that helps. Cheers!
| Miles Montgomery chapter 1 . 8/18/2012
For your first story, this is really good. You're descriptive enough but not too descriptive. I hate having to read an entire paragraph about one thing. Will be following this.