|Reviews for Falling Pieces (old version)|
| Rise of the Rebel chapter 8 . 4/21/2014
Wow, plot twist!
| Rise of the Rebel chapter 3 . 4/21/2014
I actually feel bad for Cecelia now. I didn't like her in the first chapter, because she was screaming like a baby while someone else was being raped, not her. But now I feel bad. Poor dear.
| Rise of the Rebel chapter 2 . 4/21/2014
Yeah, I know. I'm late to the party, but...wow. Impressive. I guess there are a few technical problems, but I can't wait to see where this goes next. Why did he rape the boy and not the girl? Why even kidnap her? Is he going to rape her in the next chapter? Why did he beat her and not the boy? I know, I'll find out.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 10/13/2012
Some of the wording here feels off; as an opening, it could be a lot stronger. (He glared at them through his mask while holding up his knife close to his ear and above his right shoulder.) This doesn't offer a strong hook; maybe re-word it? Perhaps focus on the knife instead of the man? With the second sentence, is the girl the same victim whose eyes 'darken' (darkened, maybe?) in fear? And why is she screaming out of mercy? For mercy, maybe? A lot of this is confusing, making it a little difficult to follow, so just consider changing the wording and rewriting it, focusing on the grammar issues especially.
| Thieves R Us chapter 2 . 9/30/2012
- Love how it wakes up in the midst of action. I'm sitting here, wondering how he got into this situation, what's going on, and so many other questions. Really, it immediately creates a suspenseful vibe I approve of.
- The atmosphere you create helps immediately create a sympathetic character here. The vulnerability and being at mercy really push for someone who I'm already hoping for gets out of this situation. As for the antagonist here has a nicely done character establishing moment. You've made it clear why he's the villain and his sadism is an excellent way to make people hate him right away alongside feel sympathetic to the lead. The only thing I can really suggest in being careful with sadism is not to overdo it in future. Less is more sometimes and threat of danger works best for suspense. In any case, this is just a precautionary and what you have so far is excellent. Plus the fox mask really adds element of intrigue as I'm wondering what all is up with that. Is it just a disguise? Or something more to it.
- The man didn't answered for a moment, but then answered casually
"Welcome to your new home, my barn of wonders. Here you two are now my toys and I am your darling master."
This part would probably work better if you started a new paragraph at The man. Also, when continuing on, I wouldn't use answered twice. Instead go [The man didn't answer for a moment before casually saying, "blah blah blah."] The reason for breaking it off into it's own sentence is because it's it's own paragraph there really. Also, with the part that follows after dialogue, I'd made that it's own paragraph. Just for that single sentence. Then the line after that, I'd turn that into it's own paragraph too. Reason why is because they are independent things there and spacing them out instead of clustering them really helps pacing along, which in turn effects the speed and mood.
- All and all, still an excellent starter. Will have to read more later on, but I'm glad I finally started.
| Thieves R Us chapter 1 . 9/30/2012
And I begin! For obvious reason, there is not much to comment on in this preface, but there are two things I wish to highlight. The first is your decision to start off with more action related scene. Personally, I think it was a great decision. It really sets the tone for the entire story and I feel that usually, some form of incident or another - either already in progress or such - is great way to get people into things.
Also, another is your descriptive abilities. Very vivid description that sets a remarkable tone for this. It's easy to get through and paints perfect picture to start out with. You also don't dwell on it too long, another great part for drawing someone in without making it too long. So kudos to you.
| Vernelley chapter 1 . 9/8/2012
So, meant to check this out a while ago, but I've been a bit busy.
It's very short, yes, but I think in these few words you've done pretty well in setting the mood and tone of this part of the story. The atmosphere is very sinister, and you've easily conveyed the fear and horror the victims are feeling.
The only glaring issues are the structures of some of the sentences; they feel a big fragmented and can jar the flow of the story.
[His victims eyes darken in fear, one was screaming out of mercy as she held her brushed up knees close to her chest. Tears pouring down her battered face.]
-Firstly, I'd suggest 'screaming [for] mercy' instead of 'out of'; to do it out of mercy would suggest that the masked character is at the mercy of the victims, which isn't the case.
-The second sentence is a fragment, so I'd suggest joining it to the first sentence, eg. 'she held her brushed up knees close to her chest[, tears] pouring down her battered face.'
[The boy went down on his knees against the cold flooring]
-There isn't really anything wrong with this, but I feel that you could use a word more powerful than simply 'went down', which feels rather flat and natural. There are alternatives like 'collapsed', 'fell' etc.
Not entirely sure if there are any other glaring issues. It's decent writing, but it could just use that bit of polishing.