|Reviews for clockwork girl|
| Beth Brooks chapter 1 . 9/13/2012
whats to say... beyond amazing
| Archia chapter 1 . 9/8/2012
I love the metaphor of the clock and how it worked so effectively. I think a bit of grammar in this would make it look nicer, not easier to read or anything, just look nicer (but then that is just in my eyes). I could imagine this girl as a clock, her every action like a clock and then becoming so vibrant at the end.
| The living death chapter 1 . 8/22/2012
i know how you feel i feel that way right now.
| HystericGirlSingingSadly chapter 1 . 8/22/2012
Amazing. I love it, and I sometimes feel like a clockwork girl myself. Excellent job
| Lyra Kaji chapter 1 . 8/22/2012
This poem is really effective and powerful. The language is not complicated, but pure and precise. I love the title, the imagery, and the contrast you develop within the poem between the pretty shell and the rusty gears inside. All the detail in this poem is very powerful-especially the prepared smiles part. That really hit home for me. The only line I might omit is the one you put in brackets. I think you highlight the contrast between outer beauty and inner conflict enough that stating it directly isn't really necessary, and without it the poem flows a bit better.
But I love that you referred to the shell as a she, like the speaker and her outward image are literally different people. That was really clever.
I love the repetition of to pretend in the middle-like a command-line or code for the clockwork girl to read over and over. But one of my favorite things in this Poe, has got to be the line breaks. I like that the poem doesn't keep too rigidly to any sort of meter, just breaks where it needs to. Keep trusting your gut! You're just so GOOD at knowing where to break the line for it to have the most impact...especially at the end
"then you came and
It really sounds like a broken machine breaking down and getting itself moving again.
The breaks in the last few lines sound very much like clockwork...
Rusty gears started to
Spin again, and I
Crave your company
You can almost visualize the gears winding up, a robotic girl hesitantly starting to move...getting stuck a little bit, until...
You make me alive again. (great use of a double line-break!)
And the transition to the flowing last line is really nice! You end with a very natural, unbroken sentence, making the ending sound human, like this person has completely turned the speaker's life around. Nicely done!
| True Talker chapter 1 . 8/22/2012
I really liked it near the ending. Thank you for sharing this.