|Reviews for Kallisto Manor|
| R. Lauden chapter 2 . 8/23/2012
Nice way to set the scene! I can see you are actually quite good at description. You were just playing amean trick in the prologue. Perhaps you could get more hits by making it a bit longer.
"He was still wearing a gray suit and vest with a burgundy striped dress shirt, from attending some benefit dinner or other, with his dark brown hair styled back, away from his face." I would consider this a run-on. Just break up your thoughts and it will be fine. :)
Mmm.. chai tea. My character drinks a lot of chai tea too... in fact, so do I. I just sucked down two of them! Yum.
OKAY... so I got caught up in the story and decided to get to the end before concluding my review. I had kind of a hard time following. It did suck me in, but it seems like there are a heck of a lot of character to keep track of so early on. I would suggest trimming them out and introducing them more staggardly... if that is even a word.
I just feel like names are being dropped and I am revieing to find out if they were already mentioned. From what I can gather, the main characters are Dagwood, Argus, Mava, and Eirawyn. (I am a fan of the names, anyway.) Just something to think about. And I would also split up the transition between scenes. Like, one secod Eirawyn is visiting Argus and the next moment we are back in the kitchen. I would just stick a break in there.
Other than that, I found this enertaining. Which is a real accomplishment, because nothing huge was really accomplished-you were just introducing characters and laying the groundwork.
Very nicely done, though. I look forward to seeing where you go with it. :)
| R. Lauden chapter 1 . 8/23/2012
In the second line, I would reverse the order to help it flow better. "Even as he walked through his home, the floorboards never creaked."
And try to avoid "was just." Both words are seen as a no-no. Except if "just" is being used for emphasis-which I am WAY too guilty of. Haha. I would write, "Silence filled the air, interrupted only by his shallow breaths." (Heck yeah, that sounds good... I surprise myself.)
Laid or Lay? I am thinking "her body lay," but I have a hard time with those two.
"Wrought iron picket fence" is decriptive, but perhaps too descriptive. I would chop out "picket."
I just saw your note. It could use more description! (Although, I am guilty of too much description at times.) Beef it up! Other than that, good read. I look forward to reading the next chapter... :)