|Reviews for Left|
| unemployed-joy chapter 1 . 10/12/2012
Hiii. Prize review for RM September!
What I liked: Wow. This packs a punch. I especially appreciate when stories can do that in such few words. And it's even better that this story focuses more on feeling and emotions rather than thoughts-something that's hard to translate in words.
Suggestions: Really, my only suggestion is formatting: the whole thing doesn't have to be italics. Hard to read after a while :)
| blueagle246 chapter 1 . 9/24/2012
Great story! The child like tone was set up perfectly and really helped pull at the heart. You do a great transition from excited to full blown panic and everything in between. Despite how short it is, nothing really seemed rushed.
| Velvet Vixen chapter 1 . 9/5/2012
Although this was short, I liked it. I think it was written well and it got across effectively what it was that you were trying to say. Like others have said, the voice of the child is good and realistic. The only thing that bothered me a bit was that the ending sounds like some background to the story that you had in mind when you wrote it but the reader doesn't get a very clear picture of that. Overall though, it was a nice short. :)
| Persevera chapter 1 . 8/31/2012
Heart-breaking. I like that you got the tone of a child right. You used simple words and short sentences to show the little thing going from elation at the independence to longing to fear then panic.
I like that it's cleanly-edited. Typos would have been glaring in such a short story...and there were none
| yWrite chapter 1 . 8/26/2012
The story gradually goes from a child's initial glee of finally being away from his mother to terrified at the loneliness. You did a great job at the pace.
It's also great how you kept the narration in the words of a very young child. That added to the eerie setting of the story.
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 8/26/2012
The gradual progression of this gave me chills. Might partially be because the room's cold here, but seriously. It was like this quiet whisper in the first section, where the reader knows almost immediately that this enjoyment of freedom is ephemeral, by the second section it hurts just a little - the tiny gestures of affection that the child has come to expect but doesn't realize s/he'll miss until the mother's gone - and each one after that tugs a little more sharply at my gut.
The ending feels a little vague, but perhaps that's necessary. Or inescapable - this is the voice of a child, after all. All around, I think it was pretty impressive for such a short shot.
| hassi158 chapter 1 . 8/24/2012
I didn't really understand this piece. What happened to her mother? Where did she go? Why did it take so long for child services to come for her? Maybe if you had put in some flashbacks of the little girl with her mother or maybe had put in what 'lies' they were saying about her mother, it would've been more understandable.
However, I did like the shift in emotions from being happy that she could do 'whatever she wanted' to being terrified. I think that was conveyed very well.
| professional griefer chapter 1 . 8/24/2012
I don't like how little of an impact this leaves. You do have some nice images, but there really isn't much oomph to give me a lasting sadness. I feel like you could have elaborated a bit more on each part (coming from me, that's rich). Most of your pieces convey emotion quite well, so I feel like this falls flat.
I do however like your narration style for this, you really get the thoughts of a little girl down really well.
Nice job, but it just feels a bit enh.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 8/23/2012
The other day I just read an incredible poem that a friend of mine wrote about her mother's passing away from cancer last December - she lost both of her parents in a span of one year, quite unexpectedly - and her poem was incredible. I'm still reeling from it. This whole piece I feel, could've been executed better on an emotional level since it is such a traumatizing event from the eyes of the victim (much like my friend's poem in that regard). Length would be better here and work to an advantage. This was too bare boned for me. While I felt raw emotion reading the experimental poetry from my friend (ended up crying myself at the end), this left me with nothing. More description, more setting, more anything.
I also don't understand why it's in italics. Is this a flashback? I had no sense of the age of the child, I know it's young but there wasn't anything concerete beyond the inner (outer?) dialogue. Maybe create flashbacks of when the child and mother were together to give it more of an emotional strength when the mother leaves - right now there just isn't a big feeling about the severing because we never knew the mother. I think this is the weakest piece I've seen from you and I don't mean to be mean but I'm just saying this because I know you can write better - and this could benefit from more editing and work. Whereas in a lot of your work I feel you can get a little too-detailed, this was the exact opposite. I would really like to see you find a wonderful balance between these two worlds - you'd really have something special then. Flesh it out and it could have a real emotional punch line at the end too. So, summing up - good idea, poorly executed. I'm also not a fan of the ellipses left in one line - why not just describe a pause?
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 8/23/2012
I liked the cascade of emotions from start to finish, from how the child narrator goes from excited to afraid. I thought it was very realistic the way it was portrayed, and telling it from the child's POV made it very powerful. I wasn't sure how it was going to end - for a moment I thought the child was going to find her dead mother, or maybe the person outside her door was really a robber or something, so I was glad to be surprised by the end.
I know this is supposed to be flash fiction, but I would've liked a little more sustenance before I reached the end. I felt like just as I was starting to get into the character and feel her fear, it was over. I know children are brief and all, so I don't really know how to fix this. Surely not with description. Perhaps memories? I think giving us some background about this child and her attachment with her mother will make the impact even stronger. I was left with a lot of questions when finished - too many questions for it to really leave me with an emotional impact.
I didn't really like how the entire thing was italicized. It's been proven that people read italicized words slower than normal words, so it impacted the pacing for me. Made it drag a little too much. Not to mention it's not very easy on the eyes.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 8/23/2012
D: This was so sad, well written yes, but so sad! I really enjoyed this because you left me with the powerful emotion of pity and sorrow. I also love how the child's narration slowly changed from being extremely happy to extremely terrified because, at least for me, it allowed me to go through the same emotions as the speaker.