|Reviews for The Actors Farm|
| Lolitroy chapter 1 . 5/14/2013
I like the message behind the words, I really do. How she feels he isn't exactly meant for her. I find the story to be sad, to be honest... because Millie isn't happy.
I also like how you're telling ordinary stuff but you really mean something else. Really, really good. There are just some things, some mistakes, and some things kind of get off the topic and makes the story lose interest for a moment, but then it's okay.
Great last line. Although it still makes me sad...
| J Author chapter 1 . 8/28/2012
It was a great metaphor of a "same-old-same-old" marriage. At least, that's the moral I got out of it. The couple appears to be bored with their marriage, yet are pretending to be happy.
"Baylor had just turned on the stereo – his 'Electronic music of the Swedish' remix tape that always made her feel like she was in a pseudoIKEA ad, because the apartment had always been sparsely decorated." - This sentence was too drawn out. "pseudoIKEA" should have a space in between. "music" and perhaps remix should be capitalized, with "remix" inside the quotation mark. The comma should not be there.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 8/27/2012
[Opening] I don’t particularly like the ambiguity of the first sentence. I think, with a somewhat androgynous name, it might have been better to word that first sentence as [Mille was watching her toast burn] to specify her gender. It was a little unexpected finding she’s a girl at the second line. It’s a small point that could add to the clarity. The other thing that stood out was the passive tone. Toast burning doesn’t really seem like a passive action.
[Spelling/grammar] - Her eyes fixated on the top slits] – I think that is correct grammar wise, but “fixated” feels more natural when it stems from the previous sentence, ie. [Milli was watching the toast burn, eyes fixated…] – as it is, the bit after the end sounds separate from its previous clause.
[The tub of margarine beside her hand, knife lazily placed in the center of her paper plate.] – that’s not stand alone so either reword it, ie. The tub of margarine sat beside her hand, or link it to the previous (which I’d recommend against at this stage because otherwise too long).
[a pseudoIKEA] – space?
[customary quickness onto her plate, so as not to burn her hand] – don’t need the comma there.
On that note, be careful with your commas. You’re being somewhat inconsistent with them; sometimes you use them where theyre not strictly needed, and other times not. Try to be consistent there; it tells a lot about your writing style then and can work in a background motif as well.
[He kissed her neck slowly, his mouth was warm] – semicolon or get rid of the “was”.
Writing: there are several motif opportunities you brought in, like the music, that you never really expand upon. I like the detail you put into your description, but you really need to use it for something, otherwise it’s essentially dead weight.
Tone: I like the levels of awkwardness that creep into this towards the middle and end. It gives a nice element to the relationship we see so far. Of course, part of that is still muffled with motifs you haven’t really used, but this particular one you’ve done well.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 8/27/2012
[He wasn't hansom] Mispelled Handsome.
I really like the deep meaning within this because it speaks the truth. It is easy for somebody who has to pretend to be another to lose touch with those he supposely loves, like for instance, Millie.
I also like the very last sentence, 'you exist only to portray someone else. You are no one. You are nothing.' Not only is beautifully written, it sent chills down my back.
I'm curious, is the man more than human? Since he doesn't seem to age? Or does he just age well?
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 8/26/2012
"Millie was watching the toast burn." For some reason, I really like this opening. It's the kind of sentence that makes you blink and go wait - what? - just for half a moment. Sort of off-kilter with what you'd expect anyway.
"...she would sense that he was different then her..." Should be 'than' not 'then'.
Oh jeez. Was not prepared for the emotional impact of this. It built up gradually, from the little mundane things - a little twinge of her when she lied to him, a little more when rebuffed his advances and slinked out - but then after she left, it kept on ramping up. I think you handled the reveal magnificently, and the last lines were perfect. Just...stamped the point home in a very real way. Great piece, but sad.