Reviews for Adam and Eve
LuckycoolHawk9 chapter 1 . 10/5/2012
I liked the interactions between Adam and Eve... They act like true family. Adam wants Eve's attention and she is completing something and does not want to be bothered and I understand this. I also like how Adam is clueless to what is the bag and so are we, it leaves a mystery. Great story!
Chromatic chapter 1 . 10/1/2012
Very interesting story however I couldn't exactly grasp all the context of the bible besides the world and how it may be corrupted. If there were any other refrenences, I don't have much of an idea what it is.

The characterization of Eve is very distinct, great description how she's such a hard worker at sewing and the young childish brother, Adam is described perfectly. I found both of these two be great characters that I wished was in developed into a deeper plot.

Anyways, great short little story :)
bran4ever chapter 1 . 9/6/2012
Well. I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to get this review done. I'm very, very sorry.

I really did like this story, first of all. I like the narrative form. Perhaps I'm using the wrong vocabulary, but I like the way the story is told. I like it because it's slightly mysterious and it suits the subject matter admirably.

The only think I found I didn't like was some of the punctuation and sentence structure. There are place where you need commas that there are none. You have a tendency to start your sentences with "Or" in this story. While using fragments of sentences in some forms of prose is entirely acceptable, I found the repeated use to be a little distracting.

Your ending is... interesting. The characterization is wonderful, for such a short story, though I wish I knew how old the children were. I did get some sense of their ages when school was mentioned at the end. The patchwork world... Adam's view of it is intriguing, especially when it is mentioned he thinks the bag should be put to better use.

Overall, it was very thought-provoking, and I enjoyed it very much.
Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 9/3/2012
You have a lot of interesting aspects here. First off, I don’t care for the name of your characters, Adam and Eve is too biblical, and as siblings I thought that you were going for an incest thing for the longest time. The family/situation didn’t seem at all biblical, so I’m not sure what the significance was in that.

Overall I like the idea of the quilt, and I understand the motifs that you were trying to capture with that. To me, if it was biblically orientated, it had to do with Eve (mother of humanity, allegedly) holding, creating, molding the world that her children would inherit, while Adam (typical male) is playing with his train set. That at least, is what it meant to me, and I LOVED the feminist vibe on that, you may or may not have been going for that, but I loved it. Having said that when I finished the story I thought too much of it was spent on the making of the quilt, and not enough on what the quilt was, or symbolized. In the end I felt like Adam, the concept (i.e. what YOU wanted) was lost on me.

Much love,
Mia52 chapter 1 . 9/2/2012
Your writing for this piece was wonderful. I love how nice everything flowed together and created a nice picture of what was happening.

I also love how natural Adam and Eve were with each other, despite being of different ages. Their actions towards each other didn't feel rushed or forced and were quite believable for their ages.

However, I will admit that I didn't quite understand what the message was. Maybe I will need to read it a second time and will understand it then.

Overall, this piece was good. I liked it a lot for your way with imagery and the sibling relationship with Adam and Eve.
K.G. Coleman chapter 1 . 8/31/2012
Let me be honest about several things.
First of all, I really loved this. It was fantastically well written. Your descriptions were tremendously vivid without feeling forced. Many writers struggle with adjectives, your images felt natural and real.
Second of all, I felt like your characters were real people. I felt a strong relationship between the brother and sister, not only in the way they spoke to each other, but the way they reacted to each others actions. Again, tremendously natural. Wonderful.
Lastly, I think the message went way over my head. My first excuse would be that I'm sleep deprived. My second excuse is I think I just missed it. I know it's there though. Obviously you chose Adam and Eve for a reason, and having Eve literally create the world, then call it ugly, MUST be a clue in to SOMETHING... I just don't get why Adam would make trains in this metaphor.
That being said, I love it as a piece of writing. Some of my favorite works of art go over my head. Don't take my ignorance as an insult to your piece. I thought it was wonderfully written.
If you wanted to review something of mine that would be awesome. My story, Angie, is probably the closest thing in style to this. Though it's extremely different.
Keep up the good work!
Complex Variable chapter 1 . 8/31/2012
1) Writing:

[Eve had a rather annoying habit of endearing to any task she truly set her mind to]
I understand what you mean, but, I cannot help but feel that the phrase "habit of endearing to" rolls far to awkwardly off the tongue.

[He was grounded usually]; I would change this to "Usually, he was grounded" or "Usually, they would ground him"

[For Eve it was no books and no sewing kit.] I would, at the very least, add a comma between "Eve" and "it"; additionally, I would change it to: "For Eve, grounding meant no books and no sewing kit."

[Except when her brother was involved, because Eve was particularly good with rubbing little Adam the wrong way.]

I would say:
"Except when her brother was involved; Eve was particularly good at rubbing Adam the wrong way."

Also [ Both were well familiar with several variants of the sibling relationship.] just sounds awkward.

[He supposed he should be relieved his sister's project hadn't been important,] need a "that" between "relieved" and "his".

2)/3) Plot/Enjoyment:
My initial response: ?. I'm sure that there's some sort of religious/spiritual message in this piece, but I can't see it—not for the life of me. I'm equally certain that there's symbolic import behind the toys that Adam and Eve are playing with (the needle, the quilt, the trains, the wire that gets stuck and rips the quilt), however—and this might just be me being thick-headed—I can't put the pieces together. I would recommend expanding/lengthening or embellishing this story. Take the time to let the reader absorb your symbolism, instead of allowing for only the briefest of tastes. The story feels too much like an enigma; I don't know what to make of it.

4) Description: in stories like these—especially where there isn't much "action" description and characterization are essential to provide the work with internal dynamism. You might have been trying to establish an air of "simplicity" to mirror the child-like simplicity of Adam and Eve—that's just a guess of mine—but I have to say that I don't think it works well. Your dialogue reflects that quality well, yet, the descriptions need to have more—just to bear the burden of communication that your prose's sparseness interferes with.
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 8/31/2012
Theme: I enjoyed the allusion to Adam and Eve in this story, and Eve's creation she names "World." I thought it was interesting how you used those characters and how much this story veered away from the well-known legend of Adam and Eve. Though, I'm a little confused or unsure of what the point of this was. To show how flawed the world is from creation, and this flaw was caused by the squabbling of the creator(s)?

Writing: I thought some of the pronouns were unneeded and redundant, mostly the ones that end in -ly. They can also be rather vague when trying to describe a situation. Sometimes it's better to replace those pronouns with stronger verbs or adjectives. Examples:

[Adam tapped his foot impatiently,]

The action of tapping your foot already gives the impression that it's an impatient movement.

[Eve looked disinterestedly at the tracks on her blanket before roughly shaking them off.]

Roughly could be removed. 'Shake' is already a pretty self-explanatory, violent movement. Also, 'disinterestedly' is a rather long, clumsy word. You could easily find a more fitting verb to get across what she's doing, or maybe describe her facial expression in detail instead.

Relationships: I like how Adan and Eve are brother and sister in this story. The way their personalities clashed also made this much more interesting. I found the way Eve treats her brother to be rather amusing, and I thought it was endearing how set Adam was on just wanting to build his train tracks.

Pacing: I thought the pacing was fine at the beginning and the end, but the middle sort of felt a little off to me. Like I wasn't sure how much time had passed while Eve was sewing. There was a lot of detail and interaction between the two of them at the beginning and end, then near the middle it became a little scarce. Maybe spreading out the information from the beginning (the background story for their characters) might help with this.
Who Is This Girl Anyway chapter 1 . 8/31/2012
You immediately give a very clear picture of both Adam and Eve's personalities. What impressed me particularly is the fact that you managed to convey Eve in less than a sentence by commenting on "her corner", which immediately gave me the impression that she is focused, likes her own company and is maybe a little bit annoyed by Adam. I immediately guessed she was the older child, and I would place Adam's age at around five or six.

The only fault I can find with this is that there were moments where this seemed to be aimed more at an adult than a child, since it's in the Kids Section. For example there were points where the vocabulary was slightly too advanced depending on which age group you were aiming for. Then again, this could be more of a stylistic thing, or I could be underestimating the intended audience, but to me this seemed better aimed towards an older audience. It is, however, still a good piece, and the concept of stitching a blanket as the world was a nice idea.

whatthegreencarrot chapter 1 . 8/30/2012
This is actually pretty interesting, even though I usually drift off in kids fictions. Adam and Eve...I like those names. From the Bible and all that. So is Adam younger than Eve, since it said that he wasn't in school yet?

I think I get the "world" thing. Th blanket was ugly, and the world can be an ugly place, right? That was smart.

I always bought that dialogue should be enclosed in "s, not 's, but I suppose that works too.
ChaiBrad chapter 1 . 8/30/2012
I don't understand " He found in the end it made a good hill." Was he playing with it and made it into an imaginary hill or did it have a hill on it? The dialogue was really good, very flowing and natural. I think the "endearing" should be changed to "adhering", though. I liked how you stayed true to the character's personality. Eve was always introverted and Adam was the little brother who exhibits his wants and lacks a little consideration as most little brothers do. I liked how the plot (or theme?) was represented in the description of the blanket and how the world is seen by the ugliness of it. In the same breath, though, not a whole lot of clarity is given as to what its purpose was. Unless one were to read into the single explanation Adam gives when he called it "rubbish".
wisedec4u chapter 1 . 8/30/2012
I like the comparison between the two siblings, one quiet, reserved, and patient, the other egotistical, boisterous, and impatient. Not sure why you decided to give them biblical names Adam and Eve. I kept trying to see the relation between this story and the one in bible and couldn't find it. I don't believe you're using the correct quotation marks for their dialogue. Most writers use " instead of '. Although this was very nicely written I kept waiting for this big payoff or revelation in the end, but I ended up feeling just as lost as Adam. I'm sure this story has a deep meaning about the ugly earth and mankind slowly destroying it (I don't know), but it not very clear. The ending sort of too vague to interpret. Thanks for sharing your work. You show a natural talent.
Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 8/29/2012
I'm not sure if this is just a unique style or something, but isn't the quotetation marks suppose to be " instead of '?

Okay, I liked how Eve compared the 'ugly' blanket to the world, since the world is inperfect, so that was a good connection. And I also like how Adam used the blanket later on as a hill, or in other words, as land, and so that also was a good connection.

I'm having trouble when comparing this piece to the biblical work. It's obvious that you're trying to compare the two in some degree, with the whole same names (Adam and Eve) and earth, but that's about it. I don't see anything else that can be connected, and I'm unsure if that was your goal or not.
Persevera chapter 1 . 8/29/2012
I like the image of the little girl concentrating so intently on sewing the patchwork quilt. It's hard to imagine a lot of little girls doing that.
I didn't like this sentence fragment "Tracks he simply could not tolerate in their current state." It was preceded by a sentence in which the tracks were mentioned so it looks like it could be included in that sentence, rather than written as an incomplete paragraph.
A Fire Rose chapter 1 . 8/29/2012
Hey! Probably need a dash after "blanket" instead of a hyphen :-) Quotation mark after "world" needs to be outside of the period. You seem to switch " and ' throughout the story. Intentional? Now this was a very unconventional story, and of course, nothing like the Biblical account. That baffled me at first, because I wondered where you were headed with the story. But when I separated it in my mind from the Biblical account, it was a very nicely done and nicely paced and nicely phrased story on its own. The one thing I would suggest is putting some beauty in the scrap of cloth that is the world, as there are both flaws and beauty in this world. Nice job!
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