|Reviews for Calder: Stashed Away From the Sun: February 2022|
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 12/26/2012
A lot of this moves very quickly - I feel like Calder 'solves' the case very easily, very quickly, and there isn't a lot of tension around this. There's a lot you could do with Carden; at the moment, I feel like he's little more than a plot device. He just doesn't feel fully fleshed out. Sometimes, you tend to tell a lot rather than show, especially when it comes to dialogue - at certain points, the characters slip into explaining everything to each other, and it makes the speech just seem a little bit stilted. As always, I think you have an interesting plot here, and with a bit of polishing and editing it could become a very gripping short story. Good luck.
| peculiar9432 chapter 1 . 9/9/2012
Thanks for reviewing my story and sorry it took so long to return the favor!
I really like your writing style. The only thing that confused me a bit was the beginning: "An eerie creaking of ancient wood shot her eyes open. They were sporadic." It sounds like her eyes were sporadic, sounds a bit clumsy. Also there's some unnecessarily long sentences here and there that could be cut into smaller pieces. Otherwise I didn't find any big clumsyness in the text. Your story is definitely good and I loved the happy ending and the concept in general!
| Persevera chapter 1 . 8/31/2012
This was an awkward beginning... "An eerie creaking of ancient wood shot her eyes open. They were sporadic." It read to me that her eyes were sporadic, since that was the only plural so far.
Obsidian and crimson cars in one paragraph seems a little excessive. Unless there's something significant about them later, in this instance might it have been better to simply say black and red?
"She removed her palm only to reveal his skeptical scowl." I like this sentence; it's simple, playful and informative.
"There is a woman who lives a mile or two away that takes him on walks past the house, and now he always stops to bark at it! He never used to do that, but now she can barely convince him to keep going!"-Missing the information about the dog
A nice, happy ending
| whatthegreencarrot chapter 1 . 8/30/2012
[The wind carried her pearly hair behind her as she rattled to the core, scarcely able to breathe.] was it a mistake when you wrote "as she rattled to the core" or was it on purpose? Because it sounds a bit odd to me.
["Maybe it would help if you could hear them yourself. You're practically a spy," she realized as he touched his arm excitedly.] did you mean "as SHE touched his arm excitedly," or did Calder just touch his own arm?
I didn't quite understand the ending...would you mind explaining it to me?
This was pretty well written, I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes, which is more than I can say for a good amount of stories I've read on FictionPress. Keep on writing! You're good at it.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 8/30/2012
[An eerie creaking] – I think “the” eerie creaking would work better there. “An” sounds unnecessarily ambiguous, especially when describing a specific scene. You wouldn’t say “a wood creaks” but rather “the wood creaks”.
“wood shot her eyes open” – it’s a bit of cause and effect, but the wood didn’t shoot her eyes open, unless splinters came flying through the air and jammed between her eyelids or something. It might be better to reword that entire first sentence as “Her eyes shot open to the eerie creaking…” which suggests that the creaking is the stimuli and the response is the eyes shooting open.
Okay, I’ll stop cross-examining your sentences and read the rest. :)
For the song, I’d suggest you use line breaks instead of page breaks as it makes it a little difficult to read. For me, the lines don’t really connect, to each other or to the overall story/chapter as a whole but just seem out-there. So yeah, line breaks would be good
For some reason, my favourite bit of this is the fairies because there’s something more lighthearted about them and especially the way Ida calls them “wee” as opposed to some of the other Calder stories I’ve read from you. And, as usual, the interaction with Calder and his “client/s” was well versed as well. Just enough to be amiable without being too intimate.
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 8/29/2012
"An eerie creaking of ancient wood shot her eyes open." For an opening sentence, this reads fairly awkwardly. Perhaps, "At the sound of ancient wood creaking eerily, her eyes shot open," or "An eerie creaking of ancient wood caused her eyes to shoot open." As it is, it reads as though the sound is physically shooting her eyes open, which doesn't make any sense.
You have several sentences where you could eliminate some unneccessary dead verbs ('being' verbs) to liven up your prose, but you have a good vocabulary and a distinct direction you seem to be taking this, so the story moves along fairly well.
I really enjoyed the mental images associated with Calder's initial meeting with Ida. The thought of a "supersticious" (since, to him, I'm sure it would seemt his way), frazzled older woman talking about fairies with shifty eyes and clapping her hand right over his mouth was pretty amusing.
[By the time she was only partially down the list, Calder was ready to drop his eyes into his hands.] Maybe change that to "Calder was ready to drop his *face* into his hands"? As it is, I immediately imagine his eyes falling out of their sockets and into his hands. I get that you don't mean that, but it's how it sounds on the first read. x)
And I do love a happy ending! Lovely imagery with the epilogue. I'm glad to see Ida getting to greet her family, and the nature scene makes it appear all the more peaceful in the mind's eye.