|Reviews for Opal, Opal, Opal and White Milk|
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 9/18/2012
Enjoyment: I really think this is gorgeous. It's the sort of poem that really has so much depth in it I can't let myself read it too quickly for fear of missing out on some piece of meaning. Each little section says something, but as a unit, they all relate to each other, too.
Imagery: There are so many sharp pieces of imagery in here that stand out to me, I don't know where to start. I think my favorite thing about it, though, is that you start with one image and then seem to morph it down several times until the reader *almost* forgets where we started, but then there's something to remind them. Example of what I mean: [...like a stranger
temping a stray cat with cream...] and then several stanzas later [...the constant mew of broken down machinery.] "Mew" in that instance lends such a...human aspect? to "broken down machinery". Like it's suddenly become this tiny little pitiable animal.
Word Play: Several instances of alliteration in this that work really well. Some of my favorites [post-partum plague], [breast, the bones as brittle and cold as an empty cup] (first the b's and then the c's). You never have to sacrifice your description to make the sounds work, and that's awesome.
Punctuation/grammar: [she tell me] Grammatically this ought to be "she tells me". If you left the 's' off purposefully, I don't think it works well in this instance. And [is stillmy enemy] - FP smashed those two words together, so you'll want to put a space back in between 'still' and 'my'. It distracts from how powerful that line is.
| 44musicfreak44 chapter 1 . 9/6/2012
First off, you have really great imagery here. I liked how real the poem felt, because it was as if the words jumped off the page at me and I could truly feel the emotion in it.
I also enjoyed how the poem was structured, because I found that it helped the poem flow really well. The only thing I could add for critisizm, is when you wrote about the dark blue night, and in transitioning from honey coloured, to already, it just felt sort of awkward to read. Oh, is the last line supposed to be 'and get some sleep'?
Overall, wonderful poem :)
| amavian chapter 1 . 9/5/2012
This is just amazing...
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 9/4/2012
I think perhaps aftersmell should be one word, even if it not a technical word. having after and smell reads a little oddly because the break in between; they don't appear to quite link.
I like the use of the letter "s" at the beginning there. It provides an immediate form to the piece, and the second line, while being far longer, speeds up the tempo so it works rather well as well.
Is the last line “and” get some sleep?
I think the opal is a nice image, but you could have done more with it, and in less words. Used more subtleties, more metaphors; some of your images come out a little too direct for what your form was suggesting to me at the beginning. On the other hand, you seemed to build up a consistent image so that was good. I would just like to see a little more subtlety buried in; you started repeating images and motifs by the end. Good reinforcement, but something new ought to sneak in too.
Another thing: why is your title capitalised and your stanzas/fullstops not? It’s a little inconsistent.
Best of luck in the WCC.