|Reviews for The Kingdom|
| MagicWords chapter 27 . 9/13/2012
Whohoo, go Aelyn! I loved the last bit tremendously! Those boys are going to have to work together!
Can I also say kudos to you for writing so much! You have such dedication. I am super excited for your next update! This really reads like a book! Great job!
| MagicWords chapter 26 . 9/13/2012
Epicness! Loved that ending! I could not help but fly through it because I was so excited! Do I get points for guessing correctly? Haha, just kidding!
Loved the kiss, love Ulfred coming back (although I am still team Aerin) and everything!
Lots of misspellings and absent words. But that's ok, just edit later :)
And I am going to finally mention this because I remembered: ""And who is she then Aerin?" Asked Orceus again" -s "Asked" does not have be capitalized. 'asked' even when it is a question or comma is fine in dialog. If you put a period in dialog, you do not usually say "said so-and-so" because it is just a sentence. If you want to say "said so-and-so" after a dialog, always use a comma in the dialog. When you capitalize "He said" after dialog, it disrupts from the flow of your dialog. Just a thought to consider.
I feel the action is really starting to heat up! You are awesome!
| MagicWords chapter 25 . 9/13/2012
"my entire life has been devoted to learning his trade, to hunt, to fish, to protect my family. Had I not met you, I would have done this until I died. Not because I owed it to anyone but because it is what I was born to do. I was born with the duty of helping my people and keeping my family safe and I am bound to it, for who else would do this in my place? You were born a queen. Do you think the people of Aetheria would follow me if I was to one day appear as their champion?" -You should be very proud of this dialog. It was glorious in every way. Aerin's character truly shines!
In fact, you should be proud of this ENTIRE chapter. It was probably your best yet. It was so deep, yet playful and fun at the same time. I see WAY more chemistry between Aelyn and Aerin than Aelyn and Ulfred. Plus, I love the protective big brother, family man type :)
I thought for sure this would be the chapter where they kiss, but alas...soon I hope!
The only thing I would change is this sentence: "I must have forgotten to mention that part of my training included knife throwing. I always found it useless since weapons were forbidden in my presence, except during training, but I am happy to see it has come in handy. I was allowed to train with a bow of course but found I had very little skill with it, knives were always more to my liking." -It is sort of too long. I would just have her say something like: "I must have forgotten to mention that part of my training included knife throwing." That's all that is needed and it makes her sound a little more witty without all the extra explaining. :)
Great great job!
| MagicWords chapter 24 . 9/13/2012
I liked this chapter because of the character development. I can really feel Aelyn's struggles in it: she needs to attack but is uncertain of how, and she is upset that she does not know more about the surrounding lands. For once and for all, I hope she takes everything into her own hands and quits allowing everyone to do everything for her. She is coming along as a well-defined character.
I still think Ewan is the master-mind behind everything. I think he and Iohan are trying to overthrow both Ulfred and Aelyn and rule both kingdoms. That is my guess :)
Then Ulfred will not be so bad and a love triangle like never before will occur :)
| Anonymous Queen chapter 1 . 9/13/2012
HAHA, hi. I was browsing the fictionpress romance section for newly updated pieces of writing, when I saw YOURS. I was like, 'hey, doesn't that Huntress dudette look familiar?'
So here I am. And I see what you mean about my choppy tone. Your tone is much more steadier than mine. And wow, you're an awesome writer :P
You're Vocab's wonderful! And you're phrases are original and well weaved! GOOD JOB!
Write more, kay?
P.S: Imma read more now. I don't know if I should finish all today though, I got ENGLISH PAPER tomorrow. Haha, I feel guilty goofing around on fictionpress :P (And wow, you wrote 27 chapters! YOU ARE SO, SO, SO, SO DETERMINED.
| Lili the Lioness chapter 18 . 9/10/2012
Her beautiful was illuminated by the light of the candles, her eyes were looking off into the distance. - beautiful face?
| Lili the Lioness chapter 10 . 9/10/2012
in front of a looking class - glass
| MagicWords chapter 23 . 9/10/2012
Aelyn is a little cold towards her parents death, but I think a lot of readers will be able to relate to it.
However, I wish there was a reason for why Aelyn's mother was so cold to her. I know you mentioned stuff about the gold desk way back when, but that does not seem big enough.
I meant to suggest this a way's back: Aelyn trusts people too easily. Ewan, Ulfred, and now Aerin. She never questions when people take her down deep dark tunnels or in secret rooms/outside the castle. It seems a little naive of a queen to so plainly trust people, especially Ulfred (back when she did...) Have her show some concern for her own well-being. For all she knows, she could be walking into a trap.
During these dangerous times for her, try and make her concerned about where the nearest guards are or cursing herself for not taking guards with her (like when she goes down Ewan's secret tunnel). Just a suggestion. :)
| MagicWords chapter 22 . 9/10/2012
The first two paragraphs could use some rewording to make them flow better.
I was not a fan of the repetition of the ocean, the heat of the oven, and the veggies. Too repetitive.
You have not mentioned Leana's name until now and it seems that Aelyn already knew it. Maybe make some formal introduction between these characters.
The last part with the old man was confusing. Who was speaking? I'm not sure how that all fit with the story. Perhaps rewording or rewriting this scene with more clarity would be good.
However, I did like this chapter. Be careful when writing with multiple characters speaking. Refrain from too many 'she's' because that gets a little confusing. Just use names like "Aelyn said" or "Myrna said". It will make it easier on readers. :)
You are doing great though: loved the scene with Aerin mopping Aelyn's forehead. you really develop his lyal traits well. :)
| Lili the Lioness chapter 2 . 9/10/2012
He had been Chief Counselor to my father and when he died. - fragment
| MagicWords chapter 21 . 9/10/2012
Another queen? I wonder if Oana was referring to Aelyn's mother?
Good twist! I like the fact that everyone is so adamant about helping the queen. It shows a lot of depth to your characters! I love the forest/healer/coolness of the people you have created (for lack of a better term). It is definitely different than the castle. Sort of reminds me of something from Inkdeath (the third book of the Inkheart books). Love it.
Keep writing. Your writing is definitely progressing.
Oh, and just a few mistakes to glance over. :)
| MagicWords chapter 20 . 9/10/2012
I absolutely loved the description of the forests and the people. Maybe describe their dark skin or how they dress?
This chapter appears to have been written quite hastily. I strongly recommend carefully re-reading this chapter for spelling errors and incorrect wording. There were quite a few errors. But it did not totally distract from the beauty of the place you have created. I cannot wait to see what Aelyn learns from these people.
At one point Aelyn states that she "was" the queen. Is she still not? Why does she refer to this in the past tense?
| MagicWords chapter 19 . 9/10/2012
"I carried her small body back to towards where we had just come out" Just need either to or towards.
Poor Aelyn, I bet she is heart-broken. Well, I think Iohan is the bad guy and maybe Ulfred is not. Maybe a love-triangle is coming?
I can't wait for them to get to Aerin's home!
| MagicWords chapter 18 . 9/8/2012
Aww this is my favorite chapter so far! Aerin is my favorite :)
I think Ewan is behind all of this! He wants power!
I am almost sure of it! Now I just want romance to spark between Aerin and Aelyn. :)
| MagicWords chapter 17 . 9/8/2012
Aerin is back! I'm pleased!
Maybe mention something about the commotion in the halls or Aelyn's sense of heightening danger. She did not see too stunned to me. Also, I'm sure she would be wondering if Ulfred was safe...?
Has he betrayed her after all? Guess I will have to find out. :)