|Reviews for Riding In Vans With Angels|
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 6/30/2013
from the Roadhouse
It's been a long while since I've reviewed anything from you, so it's nice to check up. I liked the dialogue in this chapter. It felt very dialogue heavy, but all the dialogue was very natural and I liked the way the characters were dominant in the way they spoke, especially Scarlet. There were also little themes in the conversations, like Scar making sure Hazel wasn't anything like her with Andy, that I liked too. There were a lot of characters in this chapter, and since it's only a second chapter, things got a little disorientating for me. I did go back and brief myself over the first chapter, and I still found myself trying to keep track of everyone, but having read Minor Talent, that relieved a lot of the backstories of what's happening. Speaking of Minor Talent, it's really cool to see the connections being made between them and Scarlet's life, especially Dai. I'm interested to see what he'll be like in this story, and what his happy-ever after is like with Hazel. I think you integrated them well for readers who have read Minor Talent, but I'm wondering if those who haven't mind find themselves missing out on some of the backstory that might make Dai meeting up with Scarlet more interesting. The allusions to Shadow magazine were good though, but for outside readers I don't know if it was exactly explained *what specifically* Shadow does as a magazine. But eh. Not that big of a deal. Anyway, really digging the dialogue, really digging the premise!
| Smonorkith chapter 4 . 6/28/2013
[could barely a guitar let alone sing.] I think you missed a word out here :P
Other than that I didn't spot anything wrong with spelling or grammar. You're consistently good at that side of things :)
At first I thought the chapter a little slow and it didn't seem to advance the plot a great deal, BUT, it works really well to introduce characters to each other and even plant the seeds for some of the conflicts that are going to arise later on, so it's actually very good. Definitely leaves me wanting more :)
| Smonorkith chapter 3 . 6/23/2013
[and turned her back to the crowd] When I was reading this I for some reason imagined Melody turning another girl's back to the crowd, not her own. It might be better to reword it to something like "and turned away from the crowd"
[And had landed on one of Scarlet's favourites] You started a new paragraph with this sentence, but since it ties in so closely with the previous line, it detracts from the flow. It'd be better to stick this in the same paragraph as [they had brain stormed until they found a decent song to punk up]
[From what he's said, you seemed like you one of his closest friends before he went to Uni.] the second you in this sentence should probably be followed by 'were'.
Other than those things I didn't spot anything wrong spelling or grammar-wise. I like how the story is developing and look forward to seeing how the characters respond to the situations they'll find themselves in on tour :)
Good chapter anyways, from the roadhouse.
| Smonorkith chapter 2 . 6/23/2013
Firstly, I didn't spot any spelling or grammar issues in this chapter, so good stuff!
This is really a more a personal issue than a critique, but I find the "X X X" you do to change the scene a long to be a bit easy to miss. I've been reading through quickly and missed it and then been completely confused by the change, it might be better to use a solid line or something to make it more clear.
I like the glimpses into the past we've seen in this chapter, it really makes the characters feel believable, and I really, really love your style of writing; it all flows really nicely and is just generally good to read!
| Mistval chapter 1 . 6/23/2013
From the very moment Scarlet started skating I had this foreboding feeling and sense that something bad was going to happen. But I wasn't totally sure. You do a really good job giving the reader that foreboding feeling without being too overt about it. And that makes the actual crash that much more effective.
This is shaping up to being a very character driven story and basically, so far so good in that category. Your characters are all distinct and interesting, and I'm already sympathizing with their situation. There are a lot of characters introduced for one chapter, but I think it works out ok. Dialogue and relationships are lifelike and interesting. The most interesting character to me right now is Jason because of the memories haunting him and he seems a little bit insecure in general. So he seems like he's going to be an interesting flawed character.
Couple typo & grammar things:
"staring in at her brother, sat at the desk." to "staring in at her brother, who sat at the desk."
Comma usage is odd in a couple of places. "Boards hung on the wall behind him, along with posters and photographs, showing various skate companies and skaters." this sentence would work better without the second comma.
| Smonorkith chapter 1 . 6/22/2013
[And me skating never bother you before. ] I guess 'bother' should be 'bothered', unless Scarlet has a strange accent :L
There were no other spelling/grammar issues I could find :)
I really like the concept of this story, I'm not much of a skater myself but I'm in a band, so this kind of thing appeals to me! I also love that it's clearly English :P A lot of the stuff I see on here is very American, so it's nice to see words you don't find anywhere else (like 'arsehole :D)
| Perks chapter 1 . 5/24/2013
I have never read a story that started with anything sporty before, and even less featuring a skateboarding competition, but I really liked it as a start. I enjoy some action right at the start of a story! And the dialogue was fun and easy to follow.
I got a very clear sense of the siblings, which was good. It was easy to see that you had developed them well and the relationship between them was clear. I'm interested to know more about some of the other characters as the chapters go on, and I'm excited to read chapter two.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 5/19/2013
[If they failed, then all of them would have to empty the flat, return to the homes of their parents with low spirits.] Wouldn't it be "and" between "falt" and "return," so "...the flat and return to the homes..."?
It's a great start, and this story has really peaked my interest. Points for orginality, or at least, I never came across a story that opened with a skateboard competition.
I think Scarlet and her brother Jason were introduced and developed smoothly throughout this first chapter. The other characters, I still know little about, but it's clear that this chapter was really only dedicated to *really* introducing the siblings to the audience. Hopefully, we'll get to see more of the other characters as the chapters progress.
Names like Rivers, Scarlet, and Melody: Were those their birth names, or just nicknames?
So, I'm assuming that the group is going to focus on being a band instead of skating now?
Anyways, good start! :D
| IndieRoadTrip chapter 2 . 4/29/2013
So far it's hard for me to distinguish characters. If there was more of a difference in speaking styles or more background information offered when they're speaking it would be easier to recognize their personalities. Or just telling us who's speaking more often. I also feel like they're all British skater kids in the descriptions, but not so much in their actions.
Otherwise, this is a really great couple of chapters and the characters obviously have a lot to play off of with each other and with their backgrounds. I almost want them to reveal more of their background story through how they act around each other, if that makes sense. You have a really great start with them being a little more rough or harsh with each other, not playing with kid gloves, like we do when we've known people forever.
| Harlee Rae chapter 9 . 4/29/2013
Rocky start, little blimp. Don't know who's POV we are in and who's head is in a book? Later I think it's Sapphire, but slightly before that it seemed Scar's. Couldn't really pinpoint it. I know it's difficult for some writers to stick to one when everyone Is in the same scene but it really helps with the reader connecting to the novel and it having more insight to the overall feeling. If I had been in Sapphire's head I would've seen the scene as how she reacted to it: something that didn't make her pissed off and awkward, but coolheaded and a little humorously defensive because Kyle was a dick about music.. I feel as if Scar on the other hand would've painted the scene more angry and awkward over Chrissie McBlabbermouth.
Otherwise: perfect as always :) Love the bellhop fat tip part as well as how you described the room :)
Waiting for the next update with bated breath!
| Harlee Rae chapter 8 . 4/27/2013
Well I like Dash.
Theyre currently competing with Dash for crush status.
Want to know kyle more.
Silent antisocial pricks sounds right up my alley.
But again with awkward shifting. When scarlet and nick fall asleep there is NO buffer between them and rivers POV. Its like they didnt even fall asleep instantly. They just stopped being important so you shut them up.
Try and make a time jump at least. Some dot dot dots. Make it so the reader knows youre shifting focus
| Harlee Rae chapter 7 . 4/27/2013
Ok awkwardness at first.
Things were manic in the flat. Somehow, they had managed to scrape together enough money to take care of suitcases, too, and the four new cases sat in the living room, just waiting to be filled. Scarlet stared at the strip of photographs in her hand, trying to spot anything that might be wrong in them.
The too in that passage makes it awkward, and I know youre trying to say they had enough money to cover suitcases too, but...its awkward using only "too" to say say so.
Also at first were in scarlets POV, then with less than a sentence, you switch to saphires. Needs a bit more...oomph to really make the break. The second time you switch POV is perfect because not only do you use XXX to break up the passages, Scarlets name is one of the first words after that so you INSTANTLY know who's POV it is. With before its a bit not so much.
So just...put a greater break between the POVs than you have right now and its all G.
Otherwise I yet again love it and cant wait for an update seeing as I am almost done
| Harlee Rae chapter 6 . 4/27/2013
So I loved it yet again except...
"Nervous as hell," she yelled, though even then, with the music playing, it was only Jason who could really hear her.
Just...no. Awkward. As hell. I dont know why but I just jerked out of the story and just...fell flat. It fell flat. Awkward wording compared to your other flow. Extremely awkward compared. Please tweak it or something.
But i liked the rest, how you introduced her nervousness, how you showed she was able to ignore it and keep playing. I especially loved how you showed her love for Nick, and how he is so supportive. It was great :)
| Harlee Rae chapter 5 . 4/27/2013
OH HELL YEAH!
*starts fist pumping* GO RIVERS! GO RIVERS! GO RIVERS! WOOOP!
God, I already have a small nerd crush on him.
Melody can suck sludge.
Ooh? What's this? Gareth? Oooh flirtatious little bugger ain't he?
I really love how you show the flaws of your characters so spectacularly. They set shit on fire while on drugs. And you didn't overload on guilt, made it just enough to show that Scarlet had grown from it and saw it as a funny experience to look back on, yet also making her seem like she wasnt thinking "oh hahaha i was so wasted it was cool". Mature. Lovely.
God I love your novel.
| Harlee Rae chapter 4 . 4/27/2013
Do I have to keep saying I love it?
Because I do.
I smell trouble in Scarlet's love life.
Melody seems like a twat.
Just saying. Already hate her.
I hope the break the hell up.
But please, pretty please keep writing. I really am enjoying it. It makes me hopeful because usually on this site theres some with great plot but HORRIBLE writing ability, while others its vise versa. Yet with you, whole package :) so hope. Unless you mess up royally I'm pretty sure its gonna be perfect :)