Reviews for Howl
julianmarq chapter 7 . 9/18/2012
why didn't Liz just shift in front of her? :
The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 9/18/2012
Opening: ["Eight twenty-seven, please." I stood there for a moment, ] - as the speaker and the subject of the second line are different, I think they should be on separate paragraphs. On its own like that confuses things a little, and that's particularly important in an opening because that's where you want to hook the reader, not muddle them up. :) The other thing is that your paragraph comes out a tad long and that's not aesthetically appealing at the beginning. Depending, it might work in the middle, but definitely not at the beginning.

Writing: it's good in some places - quite a bit of detail so it gives a good feel on the narrative, but in other places it's too dense. That makes it difficult to read through action. Some of your wording seems to suggest other things as well, eg. [Frank's motorcycle became my own personal getaway] - a single time event? Because it sounded from before you'd be talking more generally but the wording suggests single event. They're subtle things, but perhaps something you'd like to keep an eye on.

Dialogue: I've got no problem with the actual words. Direct and a good reflection on the scene. Your speaker tags on the other hand come out a little counter-productive sometimes. For example, ["Can we call the dogs back, please? I really don't like to see kids cry," I said] - works better if the speaker tag broke the dialogue ie. after "please" as opposed to tagged on the end there.

["Jesus, just do what I said!" the irritation ] - that should be a capital "T".

Ending: I like its directness. It's content too functions as a summary of sorts for the chapter and a leadup to the next one. [I would try to get him to listen to my voice of reason.] - perhaps don't emphasise the "my" there - makes it /too/ personal.
julianmarq chapter 6 . 9/15/2012
Looking forward to the next chapter.
julianmarq chapter 3 . 9/15/2012
This story just keeps getting better and better.
julianmarq chapter 1 . 9/15/2012
Great first chapter
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 2 . 9/13/2012
Love the ending. Fierce, powerful, and just all around a nice flare of character from Harley. I hope Frank is *seething* when he finds out (and that she's safely out of his reach at that point). Definitely made me cheer for her, anyway.

I like the developments we get to Harl's character this chapter. I like her a little more, she seems more personable, and definitely easier to sympathize with, but my skin *itched* when she knelt before Frank. I mean, I can't blame her because that would be "blaming the victim", but I can't say I can relate either. I've never been in an abusive relationship, and I don't understand the incentive to.

I loathe Frank. Strong as a character, certainly, and well-portrayed, don't get me wrong, but I can't stand the person he is. I'll never forgive anyone who treats anyone else the way he's treating Harley - exercising his power over her (and that's what it's always about - power) just for the sake of proving that he can. It makes me want to claw his face. With poisoned nail polish. (I'd say "I can't stand any man who treats a woman like that", but that's not the whole picture, because I know both sexes are guilty of it in any combo you can think of.)

I think, though, from an outside perspective (that is, from someone who's never experienced an abusive relationship) you painted out their relationship well enough that it wasn't outlandish or unbelievable. You made it easy to picture and, no matter how I hate the idea of it, I know it's absolutely something that happens far too frequently in the real world.

I think the pacing was really well done this chapter. It felt like it was moving forward at a nice steady rate without ever dragging, and the build-up to her "great escape" worked nicely. Kept me interested the whole time.

And plot! Even though we're early on still, I must say I was surprised she got away from him this quickly (though, obviously, not disappointed). I look forward to seeing when the "werewolf" aspect (which I'm anticipating) comes into play as well as how long it takes for Frank to catch up with her (and what she intends to do in the meantime).

All around, very enjoyable chapter. I look forward to continuing. :)

- Moonstar
natalieward chapter 1 . 9/11/2012
Ok first up, I love this. I really like your narrators voice! Her bitchy, snarky attitude is great and I like that she doesn't make any apologies for it - it's just who she is.

From this first chapter I am surprised you have it filed as supernatural?! But I'll go with it and see how it all plays out - I like supernatural, this just doesn't seem like far.

Couple of minor things:
[Niko, a tall black man Frank had grown particular close to] - particularly close to?
[this was beyond even himself.] - beyond even him?
[I hadn't been able to understand a word through the Persian accent rolling out from under the equally thick black irritated me.] - this sentence didn't make sense to me, is there an incorrect or missing word in the last part?

Overall, you do a great job creating the antagonism between the narrator and Frank and I am intrigued to find out more about their relationship, especially why things are so bad between them lately. You also do a good job setting the scene, your descriptions of her surroundigs really allow the reader to "be there" and again I am keen to find out more about her life moving from city to city. Good job!
Cookie Hunter chapter 3 . 9/10/2012
Noooo! Poor Jackson! Update soon please! XD
FleetingMemories chapter 3 . 9/10/2012
This is a great story! The details are vivid and descriptive enough for one to imagine it in their minds, great job with it, hope you will upload another chapter soon.
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 9/9/2012
I'm a little thrown off by the fact that this opens by jumping right into politics. From your first paragraph, I feel like I'm listening to a conservative platform rant and I kind of just want to roll my eyes - not necessarily because of the points made, but simply because I don't read fantasy/supernatural romance novels to have politics shoved down my throat.

The first paragraph is also a little on the long side, which is off-putting for an opener, but at least it's not eleven or thirteen lines long like some I've seen. Moving on.

Writing wise, there are a couple little things that sound strange going over them. [If we haven't established it already, I wasn't in the mood for this shit.] What's the "we" doing there? This has been first person the whole time, and it feels out of place, as though she's suddenly drawing in a second person who has yet to be introduced, and then immediately drops them out of the spectrum again.

A couple sentences earlier - [I glanced over to the large wall of windows, that was typical in gas stations...] the comma feels jarring there. I feel like you could remove it and change the following bit to "that were" and make the sentence smoother.

[The gash was painful and excruciating at first...] This sounds redundant as it is. I would change it to either just [The gash was excruciating at first...] or [The gash was excruciatingly painful at first...]

["Do you know how to count American money, or what? Give me my fucking change already."] Urgh. I dislike your protaganist. Frankly, so far she strikes me as a racist b*tch with an attitude, but I'll try to suspend my doubt for now. Maybe she gets better.

[I wasn't a racist I was just in a piss-poor mood most of the time.] This is two sentences. I'd just combine them by putting a semi-colon after "racist". Also, I don't believe her. So far, bad mood or no, she just makes my hackles raise up.

[...strapping it down with the front of my bra, as I threw a leg over the bike and hoisted myself behind Frank.] Don't need the comma there either, but I'll shut up about technical errors for a bit.

[Apparently, Frank noticed this too because, without hesitation, he whistled to the men.] Nice. I like this whole little scene. The fact that he whistles to them just adds to the "pack" feeling, and it reads very smoothly, complete with the little details of the mother and her son scampering inside.

I like the way the narrator handles Frank, too. Not outright going against him, but using her knowledge of his personality to say what needs to be said to get things going the way she likes.

["Jesus, just do what I said!"] Eugh. Asswipe. F*ck him. Sorry, reading on...

Alright! Got to the end. Brutal fight scene - definitely made me wince. All in all, I really like your writing style. You have plenty of vivid descriptions and a strong narrative voice, a nice build-up of each scene and good flow between them. There are some technical errors littered throughout, as I've said - some capitals where not necessary, run-on sentences, and the occasional oddly placed comma - but mostly your grammar is fairly sound.

I enjoyed the read. I think you did a great job keeping the action flowing (and therefor keeping my attention). My biggest issue is that right now I still don't really like your narrator. She's a very real person (which is important) but she's not one I can relate to well and, honestly, the type of person who naturally grates on my nerves. BUT it's well written, so that's not necessarily a fault of yours, just a personal preference. Not bad for an opening chapter. :)

- Moonstar
Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 9/9/2012
Writing: For the most part I thought your narration had a nice rhythm to it. I was easily able to picture everything that was going on, and the diction matched what I expected the narrator to sound like given her personality / background. I also enjoyed the informal narrative voice, how Harley narrates like I'd imagine she speaks.

Pacing: I thought in certain parts things got a little too descriptive and it slowed down the pace for me. Namely near the beginning when she's standing at the counter paying, and later on when she's walking through the house looking for Frank. I found myself wanting to skim to get to what was going to happen next, and sometimes the narration repeated itself which made it even longer and more cumbersome. For example:

[Keeping to the shadows, I made my way towards the source of the sound using the wall behind me as a guide while I walked the perimeter of the rundown room.]

"I made my way towards the source of the sound" and "while I walked the perimeter of the rundown room" kind of say the same thing. I think where the pacing slows the most is when the characters themselves are moving; a lot of detail is piled into the action, when a lot of it can instead be implied by what's already going on.

[ he commanded with a tightening of his iron-like grip for good measure. His fingers dug into the meat of my arm,]

Here as well. The "a tightening of his iron-like grip for good measure" and "his fingers dug into the meat of my arm" are kind of saying the same thing since an iron-like grip implies his fingers are digging into her arm.

Character: At first I wasn't sure if I liked Harley because of how she was "having a bad day" and the way she was acting, but as the chapter went on I began to appreciate her more and more. I enjoy her attitude; she seems like the type of woman who wouldn't take shit from anyone. I also like how she's different than the other girls they journey with, preferring to stay with Frank as opposed to being passed around.

Ending: I think the suspense of the murder in this chapter creates a good hook at the end to make me want to continue. Now I find myself concerned as well, as to whether or not the police will come looking for them. And I'm also curious as to why they went into that house to begin with; I'll be looking forward to finding out the answers.
Phranki chapter 1 . 9/6/2012
I think this is just fantastic so far. I've been in the mood for a good werewolf story, and this chapter satisfied the itch for today, I hope you post more soon! and I promise to be more constructive in my next review, but tonight homework beckons.
27 | « Prev Page 1 2