|Reviews for Locked In|
| Fay chapter 1 . 9/10/2012
The mood you set was great. I did feel a pinch of anxiety for the characters. Lovely story. Write more.
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/10/2012
Lol XD that's like a horror of toys story!
| Anxious Axolotl chapter 1 . 9/11/2012
Wow, this was great! Very funny, I loved your ideas and you characters. It felt a little bit like a one-shot, but it doesn't say it's complete, so I'm very curious to see where it goes from here!
I did notice some things that could be improved on/could be fixed:
[She could've gone to Forever 21 or something. She was just wasting her time.] Until I read more, I couldn't work out if this was referring to Clare or Isabel. It also seemed like an odd thing to point out in narration, something like [Isalbel sulked, she'd much rather be at Forever 21] would sound a lot more natural in the narration. Alternatively, you could use italics to show she's thinking that, or have her actually say it in dialogue.
[ "I asked you to come because Lauren was babysitting her siblings, I wouldn't even bother to ask Sasha or Peyton, and then"] I was very confused when they called Lauren and Sasha and Peyton were at her house. Were they her siblings, or had they lied to Isabel and Clare? I think it needs to be made a little clearer, whatever the situation.
[Luckily, they out her on speaker. Why did the two of them go out so late?] Should be 'put' instead of 'out'. Also very odd to pose a non-rhetorical out of dialogue. Again, should either be in italics or dialogue.
[Isabel and Clare wore plastic camo army hats they found. They smeared black paint on their cheeks and were behind a huge wall of stacked flour and barbed wire at the top. Inside their little fortress they had food they took from the food section, Nerf guns with extra ammo, plastic light sabers, rubber balls, crowbars, and building blocks.] Absolutely hilarious imagery! I thought the barbed wire may have been a little too much, though. That and hoarding *all* of the food would take time it seems they don't have to set up. Maybe they could have taken their supplies to behind a display or something would fit with their time constraints better. Love the idea, though.
[ the shorter girl reassured,] Was this referring to Clare? If it was, I couldn't find where it was said that Isabel was taller. I'd just stick to calling her Clare, much more straight forward.
[straws (spears to them).] [Isabel frowned (which was quite rare)] These don't really need to be in brackets, it feels a little jolting like that. Just rewrite them so you don't need brackets. In fact, I think you could replace them with a comma and that'd be enough.
Phew, that was quite a few! I really enjoyed it, it just seemed like a few things were holding it back from being absolutely seamless. Goodluck with further chapters/ further writing!