|Reviews for My Supernatural Life|
| Guest chapter 16 . 10/24/2013
anxious to hurt (is should be his) poor poor daughter."
"So you have been planning our demise since you adopted me, or before then?"
"Before then of course, but yes, now, enough with the questions!" And with that she said some unrecognizable words, snapped her fingers and I was gone. I crippled down in pain and now I am floating into a black abyss.(reword these two because some of the words don't go together, past and present tense are clashing a bit and I think thats it.)
We wouldn't have learned so much about Bayli (and should be like) where she was, how she was raised,(there should be an and here) what her weaknesses (are shoud be were or not depending on i don't know what yet) if you hadn't been good enough to hold a connection with her. ( I may have missed something but I'm not sure so I will leave at this.)
| Guest chapter 15 . 10/24/2013
The only difference is that I knew my body was still standing, to everyone that could see my face, they knew what was happening; but this girl doesn't; she can only see my back, and I am still standing, so I don't look defenseless.( I think this sentence should be reworded because theres past tense and then theres present and it should all be the same tense.)
| Guest chapter 17 . 6/27/2013
(one minutes he was heated) No s needed and i think that's all but I'm not sure.
| candelaria chapter 16 . 6/10/2013
it doesn't matter (if isn't needed) (whatever should be wether) your plan (is, not needed) is successful or not. This is what i think but it's up to you.
| Candelaria chapter 15 . 5/29/2013
Hey this needs some work but, i for some reason can't explain it right now so i will figure it out so don't worry or you migth figure it out before me. "This was all a game to her, I don't know how I knew, but I did. Next thing I know, I was her, I was seeing and thinking as if I were her. The only difference is that I knew my body was still standing, to everyone that could see my face, they know what was happening; but this girl doesn't, she can only see my back, and I am still standing, so I don't look defenseless" , "Now, I am floating and falling, why didn't this happen before I became Her? Something is out-of-place. It seems as if only seconds have gone by. My body has finally fallen to the floor just as i am about to enter it; I get up quickly." the I am's in this sentence should be I'm. They looked at each other (than should be then) me in a questioning way. I shall ponder more about this and see what i can come up with for the first thing i mentioned.
| candrelaria chapter 14 . 5/16/2013
you need to correct this "Cameron was up (in should be on) his feet and by my side just in time to catch me yet again" and these "So, how long have you known? Cameron asked, anger or annoyance lingered in his voice." needs quotes, "I don't know whether to get up and ready to fight again or just sit here with my throbbing head while the room spins." it needs something after the "and", "(we use to be like brothers, what happened?)" this one needs quotes at the end because he's talking. I think theres more but I'm running out of time cause class is almost over so i will look at it again later.
| rismor chapter 2 . 1/31/2013
you forgot a quotation after "i dont know, i got mad..." etc.
| Anxious Axolotl chapter 1 . 9/17/2012
I am a big sucker for stories that begin with exciting dialogue and this seemed very interesting. I was a little confused by the line, ["No we are not Alex, we have five minutes." "Bayli what's wrong? You've been acting strange lately"], how was Bayli being strange by saying they weren't going to be late? Maybe if she snapped at him rudely and unprovoked, it be fair to say she is acting odd, especially because she starts snapping at him after that part of the conversation. Other than that, I found the dialogue very good and I got a good feel for the characters.
[six (6)], [eight (8)] I'm not sure why you felt it necessary to put the number in as well as the spelled out word, it's perfectly clear without the number. All number under 20 should be written out long hand because it tends to look more polished.
[ I saw Alex's face then a door blow up] I didn't understand this line or the significance of the door blowing up. Did it literally explode? What happened to it and why is no one else taking notice of it?
Overall, this was interesting and I'm curious to see how Bayli's abilities help/hinder her both in school life and in saving/destroying the world and I thought you showed a good balance between her school life and her other problems. Other than the minor things I pointed out above, the only other thing I thought could be improved on was the lack of description. What does the school look like? What kind of school is it? What do the characters look like? You don't need paragraphs of description, but a few adjectives and adverbs can go a long way.