Reviews for Wouldn't believe her if she told you
rust phoenix chapter 1 . 11/25/2012
I really like the format of the story, and the title. I agree that these things need to be written about, emotional abuse is a huge problem.
Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 9/15/2012
This is disgusting. Not the poem/story, but what it reveals about parts of humanity. I think you did a great job emphasizing your point. You brought out how truly cruel and absolutely thoughtless people can be and it makes me want to spit in their faces and shove their life through a whirlwind they can't contain.

The grammatical errors in this are distracting, though. [Brandon crept behind her, "You know your fat right?"] First, that first comma before the dialogue should be a period, because "crept up behind her" is not a dialogue tag, it's just part of separate sentence. And the "your" should be "you're" because it's "you are fat" not possessive. (You make the same mistake again later: ["Your so pathetic."] Should be "You're so pathetic.")

And, every time you start a new sentence, both dialogue and otherwise, the first word should be capitalized. Some poetry doesn't capitalize anything, and that's a matter of style, but because you usually do capitalize things, it looks wrong when you don't.

- Moonstar, Courtesy of the Review Game's Review Marathon - link in my profile