|Reviews for Transcend (Season One)|
| Y. S. Wong chapter 3 . 11/12/2013
I think I'll take you up on your offer, Ben. I could use some good constructive criticism. (*w*)
Now, I'm gonna be reviewing without looking at others' first to avoid spoilers, so I may very likely repeat some things that have already been said. Plus, this is old prose from you anyways, so there's a good chance that you've already fixed these things later on. But I'll just mention what I see.
Something simple: "The weapon evaporated into brilliant specs of light..." Specks, not specs.
Your dialogue grammar's wrong. Dialogue tags should be connected to the actual dialogue in one sentence.
Ex: "'Ever since being stationed here I barely get to use my Solblade.' The other woman responded giddily."
Correct: "'Ever since being stationed here I barely get to use my Solblade,' the other woman responded giddily."
I have a link to a guide for dialogue tags on the forum if you want a more in-depth look.
I notice you have a tendency to use a lot of semicolons. Even though you use them correctly, I'd recommend cutting down on them for the sake of variety. Just my opinion, but I think semicolons should be used sparingly; the effect I think you're trying to achieve could just as easily be accomplished (and more effectively at that) by splitting the sentences and having a short sentence follow instead. Note: Semicolon used in previous sentence with full irony.
There are also some redundancies in your prose as well as ineffective description.
Ex: "She then fiercely smacked the top of his head, immediately waking him up."
Fiercely is an adjective that doesn't actually add anything to the sentence, as "smacked" (you could even replace it with a stronger verb) already conveys the degree of strength. So that's redundant. Heck, "immediately waking him up" could also be construed as redundant, as Lukas clearly wakes up with a jerk in the next paragraph anyway.
Ex 2: "Zayn tried to think of where to begin with his explanation."
Nothing wrong with this sentence. But stronger description would involve action, like Zayn tapping his finger to his lip to go with that "Hmm..." in the previous sentence. It achieves the same effect but without having to outright tell the audience.
Cue infodump on Ikusa in 3, 2...
I like how you got the info dump over with quickly without interrupting the flow of the story too badly. That's nice efficient work there. Still, you probably could have pulled off an explanation more fluidly by having that conversation take place in the middle of an actual match. Which I'm sure you'll be doing soon enough.
Lukas is just surrounded by tsunderes.
"'If a knight who fights for justice and to protect those around him enjoys battle simply for the thrill of the fight, does his valor and integrity become corrupt?'"
Oh. The Random Philosophy Question that Blatantly Tries to Develop Theme. I'm so guilty of this too. And I love it. Wasn't expecting the philosopheelz to come so soon though.
One random thought: Despite the fact it's been forever and a day since I read the first chapter, I'm not having too much trouble at all remembering anything from there. Now that's the mark of memorable writing.
Lukas is straying into serious Gary Stu territory here. Except I know better and I know you're not using him as a wish-fulfillment fantasy. Probably. But still. Dude needs some realistic flaws and not every girl needs to turn sufficiently lustful in his presence. That development likely comes later, but it needs to be more apparent early.
Oho, headshots. Can Mayoko still fix you if you get your head knocked off?
Speaking of characterization, your other characters have a slight tendency to fall into trope traps as well. They're rather stereotypical and lack depth. But, well, it's early.
Misayo's definitely up to something but Lukas let her off way too easily at the end there. Abrupt end to the chapter too.
I get the feeling you're in this game more for cc on plot, characterization, theme, etc. as opposed to the technical aspects of writing. So let me know if that's what you want so I can stop pointing out typos in the future (though there are a good few) and bothering you with my random thoughts on writing. No idea if I'll get to another chapter, but we'll see. For the time being, though, happy writing!
| Darth Zannacross chapter 2 . 11/10/2013
This has potential , it reminds me a lot of Bleach, Soul Eater and Blue Exorcist and others. Not to much to say for now, the group seems likeable enough and the powers seem fun so we will see how that goes. Till next time.
| Omega the Omniscient chapter 1 . 11/10/2013
Interesting premise. I'll give it a look.
| Rogue Melody Angel chapter 2 . 11/10/2013
An excellent first 'episode'! LOVED IT! can't wait to read more! By the way Ikky has a serious weird thing for woman is he like a bit... I don't now... 'icky' (like how you chose to name and develop your characters). Really enjoyed it.
| Rogue Melody Angel chapter 1 . 11/10/2013
So far so good, it really is interesting! Your prelude (introduction) to your real first chapter is by far outstanding and this would bring to readers great expectations! So I'm hoping you keep at it!
| Benehime chapter 15 . 11/9/2013
For those of you unaware, the reason Transcend (Season 1) receives updates from time to time despite there being no new chapter is because of the very last chapter. The last chapter, aptly titled Update, is for whenever I want to inform all my readers of anything in particular. This ranges from updates to the Wiki, newer Episodes, or simple information on my progress and what I have going on in my life. Basically, it's to keep you guys in the loop of everything I'm doing.
If you haven't finished the story, there's no need for you to see the Update and I apologize if there is an inconvenience from receiving alerts.
| Lolitroy chapter 15 . 11/7/2013
I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but why do you keep updating a story that's been finished already? So it appears on the front pages of the manga section and you get more visits? I mean, man... *walks away*
| Raleigh Daniels Jr chapter 1 . 11/4/2013
This first chapter is very interesting, I'll check the rest tomorrow. I hope you have a good night.
| LaStoria chapter 23 . 9/6/2013
Killing one wasn't enough? This chapter makes me want to cry...
| LaStoria chapter 22 . 9/6/2013
I knew it! Oh I was liking Courtney...
| LaStoria chapter 21 . 9/5/2013
Vanessa is a traitor Silverblood. Interesting combo.
| LaStoria chapter 20 . 9/5/2013
I can't wait to see what happens next!
| LaStoria chapter 19 . 9/5/2013
| LaStoria chapter 18 . 9/4/2013
It's great how you're tying everything together. This was a splendid chapter!
| LaStoria chapter 17 . 9/4/2013
Wow Meredith is that high up in the Army? Seems like Nathan and Lukas are going to cross paths soon!