|Reviews for Blood Wars|
| Aqua Mareien chapter 3 . 9/26/2012
:D I can't get enough of this story! :D
| Aqua Mareien chapter 2 . 9/26/2012
PLEASE write more! :D (hugez)
| I caught myself chapter 2 . 9/26/2012
This is actually really good. I love the names and i think you did a great job fitting them with their character. Thank you for sharing this. I look forward to more.
| TheMuffinManDies chapter 2 . 9/26/2012
Short but sweet XD. I really liked the way you set up the characters and gave us a bit of a hint at their over-all personality and history. Annabelle sounds like a meanie :(... But she has a nice name XD.
I like Layla. Although her description does sound eerily like that of the female vampire that was in the cover all those years ago... I think I can take a guess at her species, although I could be wrong XP.
This is really great, I can't wait to find out more about the characters and where you're going with this. Keep it up! Yay!
(See, I got all my little ticks out in the last review. I was a very obedient puppy for this one, plus there really wasn't anything to point out XD)
| TheMuffinManDies chapter 1 . 9/26/2012
Okey-dokey, first up I would like to say that while there are a lot of vampire stories out there and some people think the theme is over-used, I really like you're take on it. I'm looking forward to where this is going, but first I'm going to go all pedantic and suggest a few things to fix XD. Please remember that these are just suggestions and you really don't have to listen, I just really wanted to help.
TYPOS (I'm really not one to talk but I'm always over-joyed when someone points them out for me, as I can never spot the sneaky little devils)
When the woman opened he eyes he saw a pair of silver eyes that glowed like the moon.
You missed out the r on her eyes (I did say I was going to be pedantic, for this I apologise .)
and [The cave was covered with strange marking that they had never seen before.] You just missed out the s on markings
OTHER THINGS I HAVE NO NAME FOR BECAUSE I'M A PIRANHA AND WE ONLY SPEAK... Piranha?
[There was a woman laying down on a long oval platform made of stone.]
I was just wondering if this should say lying instead of laying, but maybe it just sounds better to me.
[From what he could make out she had long midnight hair that went past her butt and pale alabaster skin.]
Hehe, okay, I was just thinking that you might want to change 'butt' to something like 'waist', as it kind of pulls away from the seriousness and mysteriousness of the story and it made me giggle like a six year old. But maybe that's what you were going for XD. Also, there should be a comma between pale and alabaster. You might not even need to mention both of those adjectives as it is kind of just excessive considering they're saying the same thing. You're choice.
[Her arms made an X on her check and her eyes were shut and it looked like she was dead.]
Okay, I was wondering if 'check' was supposed to be chest, although I guess it could be cheek... I don't know, chest makes more sense to me. the 'and it looked like she was dead' part seems to be adding too much on so you might want to figure out some way to get rid of it, mainly because the two 'and's kind of interrupt the flow.
I would just like to say that you became one of my most favourite people on this earth when you put that semi-colon in... I'm strangely obsessed with that form of punctuation... XP
You might want to change some of the suddenly's to something else so it doesn't sound repetitive, but that's something that is really up to you as a writer.
[He looked behind him to see the woman's eyes wide open and they were red and full of blood lust.]
You might want to remove the 'and they were' bit and put a comma in instead just so that part flows better without jarring.
[ The woman said in a voice full of lust.]
I don't know if you would want to change this to blood lust as she is talking about blood, but maybe you wanted her to be interested in him another way XD.
[...of fangs similar to a wolf or a bats fang seep into the skin.]
This should probably be 'or a bat's fangs seep into the skin'. You might even want to use comma's to separate what the fangs are similar to, just to see if that works better.
[Soon the man's eyes rolled into the back of his head and the man dropped him to the ground like a toy you no longer have use for.]
You might want to use something like 'the other man' or describe the vampire guy in some other way just to differentiate the two in case it gets confusing for some people.
[...to make weapons and if he saw any he would slay them on spot.]
You might want to put 'any vampires' or something as they aren't mentioned in that sentence, but that doesn't really matter XP. You might also want to put 'the' before 'spot', just so it sounds a bit cleaner.
[...and is still going on even now.]
Maybe put 'it is' rather than just is, again so it just sounds a little bit cleaner.
Now that I'm done being a horrible nit-pick and pointing out things that I do on a regular basis... (how hypocritical of me)
I would just like to say that I really like this so far, and you have really great descriptive language. It was easy to imagine it all in my head, and I especially liked the way it started. That was also a really good finishing line. All in all, it was a very good prologue and I look forward to reading more. You should really keep going with this! I'll go and read the next chapter now XD.
Sorry this was so long and annoying, I just really wanted to be of some use. Good luck with your future writings!