|Reviews for SOM: Paladin (2013)|
| olivia d'trumpet chapter 24 . 7/20/2013
I've really enjoyed the story and I hope to see more from you soon. Your work puts me in mind of the style David Eddings uses to write plots and characters. Thank you for making this a thrilling adventure to follow.
| Faithless Juliet chapter 5 . 7/7/2013
So, far this is the most enjoyable and fluid chapter and I think that has a lot to do with pacing.
Again, jack is still my favorite and I think you've written him the best. I liked the interactions with the kid and I think you've created a good dynamic with those two.
I'm still very overwhelmed with the amount of characters on your canvas and how they work in relation to each other. Plot I'm okay with, I just think you had way to many people in chapter 1 & 2
Great job overall, I'm really enjoying this story. Keep up the good work.
| Faithless Juliet chapter 4 . 7/7/2013
I think you handled the plot well in this chapter and I think it worked in your favor to not have as many scene shifts as in the previous chapters.
I both like and dislike Lucky as as a character - I like her because she adds flavor to this portion of the story but on the other hand I feel like she's too predictable. I'm liking jack with big Alice so its hard for me to get into another pairing.
SIDENOTE; I forgot to mention this in the last review but I really liked the scene at the end where Alice and the other girls storm into the room to protect jack.
| Faithless Juliet chapter 3 . 7/6/2013
I really enjoyed Vix I'm your first few opening paragraphs and descriptions. I got a very clear picture of who she is and like Jack she really jumps off the page.
I think this chapter was the best so far. I feel more acclimated to the environment but I do still feel overwhelmed by the amount of characters though.
You have long chapters (not a bad thing regularly, but this is FP) but I think you tend to compile a lot of little scenes in each chapter and I think it would help the confusion if you spent more time on each one. There are a lot of shifts and turns throughout.
| Faithless Juliet chapter 2 . 7/6/2013
I'm still enjoying Jack and how you wrote him. I like his easygoing come-what-may approach to things intermingled with the fierce belief that nothing can take him.
Although I'm liking the story so far I do have to admit that I'm very overwhelmed by everything that's going on. There are a lot of characters and agendas and place names floating around in this and the only one I'm really sure of it Bones Picked Clean. I feel like several elements were introduced too quickly, if I were reading this in book form I think I would be flipping back pages in frustration or fear that I missed something.
Stylistically I like and appreciate the blase tone of the narration but I haven't seen that spark that really anchors me to a story yet.
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 7/5/2013
Very strong premises that you're working with here. I love the vibe and context of the story.
I think the world building aspects were top notch in this. I think you did a good job at presenting this world but not bogging the reader down with too much information that they didn't need yet. I was a bit overwhelmed by the amount of characters on the stage in this chapter. I think because we're in the opening chapter some of the other characters could have taken more of a backseat. I do think your characterization is really good so far, everyone's motivations are clear.
Jack is a very interesting main character. I liked how you've given him realistic flaws - that always makes the characters more fun to read.
I also liked how your blurring the genre lines in this - or at least that's how it seemed to me. I got a distinctive acid western theme mingling with other historical time periods which I thought was interesting. Can't wait to read more.
| JenniferManning chapter 15 . 6/22/2013
This is for chapter 14. The chapter said it was the 7th day of the month of frost. The group arrived at 6th, and party for the night which turn to 7. The morning they met master benedict, went to the temple than waited 3 days. Shouldn't it be the tenth day by now?
| JenniferManning chapter 22 . 6/17/2013
I honestly didn't see that coming...
| pinoy1 chapter 14 . 6/11/2013
yo! aunt Emerald, when will you come out with the reviced chapter 20? I hope you do not forget about this story as you focus on heretic... thanks!
| pinoy1 chapter 19 . 5/31/2013
cool! the game world has some faint similarities to exalted... nothing solid,but if you are a fan of the series,you'd know.
| pinoy1 chapter 1 . 5/31/2013
hi emerald viper! remember me? your regular reviewer from the Philippines on the white wolf fan fiction forum? ring a bell? I thought I'd give your original fiction a try. so far,loving it! keep it up!
| Gorilla0132 chapter 19 . 5/25/2013
was it ever explained why Jack Mercy is called the "paladin"? paladins are usually lawfully good, honorbound, and great warriors. jack is almost the exact opposite. did you do that on purpose?
| Gorilla0132 chapter 12 . 4/25/2013
[and he walked like a sailor.] and how exactly do sailors walk?
["The hell do you want?"] see this is a great example of a modern phrase in a fantasy world. It just doesn’t fit. It makes me feel like Mercy should be on earth in 2013 rather than this fantasy world.
["You asked for it!" He sneered, drawing his sword.] this story comes across as a really generic RPG game. This is what is happening so far. Enemy NPC arrives. Enemy NPC shows signs of attack. Party prepares for fight. Enemies shout generic war cry and charge. Bloodbath. Battle over. Party gains exp. Next encounter.
[Helluva] just…..i…..*sigh*….come on….really?
[The kid laughed.] read as “The goat laughed.”
Okay, so my summary of the story so far is this. Again, your writing is superb. Mercy has a very believable personality and your descriptions are masterful. As far as faults, you slip up a little. There are modern terms and phrases, characters who feel like all they contribute is an unfunny joke or two, weird, awkward dialog that seems too forced to come off as funny, and an unseeable plot. In the last three chapters the characters have just been kind of running around doing nothing. Whenever you get stuck you make something new happen and then OH the characters have a reason to go do something. The fights are very generic and uninteresting. We know you love your characters. You won’t dare harm them. The party survived the Northman attack without a wound or a casualty.
If you’re going for a light-hearted, comedic, fantasy adventure story that can be taken at surface value then well done! If not, if you’re going for something a bit deeper, then you’ll have to dig deeper into your imagination to pull it off.
| Gorilla0132 chapter 11 . 4/25/2013
[It started raining hard when were about four miles from the temple,] this is very picky but to have miles you must have a measuring system, no? has someone invented the measuring system in this world? If not then just use the term “leagues”
[It annoyed me that he lacked any kind of fighting ability, and sometimes he did act like a child, but when the situation was deathly serious, he invariably made the right decisions. He also had a habit of saying exactly the kind of thing that could caused a brain to start spinning in strange directions.] this screams “I’m telling you this not showing you and you must accept this now”. Come on, you’re better than this. You can’t just put down the basic outline of a character and expect us to accept it. Show us Albis’s personality, don’t tell us
[As we continued down north,] down north? Please get rid of “down”
[Trader] I don’t know what a Trader is. Are they a race of men who live to barter and trade? Do they speak a language that sways men to trade with them?
[Fatecrafter] ooooooooooooo sounds interesting!
As another reader has mentioned in the italics where you are describing the text in the book there are words capitalized that should not be.
[I immediately suspected that our food had been drugged.] at this point I begin to wonder about Mercy. Isn’t he supposed to the boss of Bones Picked Clean? Isn’t he supposed to be this badass guy? Then why would he not be suspicious of the traders and Windrider? Why wouldn’t he inspect the food first.
[ He slowly sat up and grimaced. "Were we drugged?"] I laughed so hard here. He gets up and his immediate thought is “Damn…I was so drugged…” I don’t know its just funny to me
[kid] in medieval times a “kid” was a word for goat. If you are referring to a child, then “child” is the correct term. Whenever you say “kid” I will assume you mean a literal goat.
[I'm willing to be she's the one that took all our money," I replied.] well done, Sherlock!
[The Traders must have been planning this for years.] planning what? Stealing all your money? Placing a spy in your broken group? I doubt that took them ten minutes to come up with man.
For a medieval fantasy world, there are aloooooot of modern sayings and words. It’s distracting. Don’t worry about changing them if you aren’t trying to allowed the reader to get immersed in the world, but if that is what you’re trying, then you should really consider changing them
| Gorilla0132 chapter 10 . 4/25/2013
I can already see that you’re going for more of a comedic fantasy rather than dark. You can really see the change in mood and tone from chapter 1 to 10.
[Soon the sun was only a spot of white far overhead, and that blue glow was our only light.] wait what? What blue glow? You just said the sun was a spot of white, not blue
["I don't know that I'd do if I lost it. "Lost?" A voice whispered.] you need a new dialogue-thingy “ after it. . also, the “lost?” should be in a new paragraph.
This reminds me of a Tv show that’s trying too hard to be funny. After Mercy hears the laugh, the characters spend five minutes doing their shticks and funny lines before any does anything remotely intelligent
["The Nok is not real," I hissed,] Mercy just said not five seconds ago that he wouldn’t say the word “Nok”…
[very broadly] try not to use the word “very.” It adds absolutely nothing of value. What’s the difference between “big” and “very big”? nothing.
["Boo!" It said.] okay so this story has definitely shifted from dark fantasy (in chapter 1) to pure comedic humor. I can’t say I’m happy about the change, but whatever comedy makes for good storytelling too
["Shut up, turkey! We're still alive, aren't we?" I demanded.] demanded doesn’t work here. Try “asked” or “exclaimed”
["Damnit," I cursed.] this made me laugh. This is one point where a dialog tag is definitely not needed. If he said “damnit”, then I’m damn skippy that he’s cursing. It’s like putting [“I apology,” he apologized.]
["How the hell did the donkey get here?" Windrider demanded.] again with demanded.
[The Deathwalker managed to drink some water, but he threw up the meal he ate with the rest of us.] what meal? What did they eat that night? Stew? Broth? Squirrel brains? Elaborate please
So I finish this chapter in a bit of a daze. It is well written. You are good at descriptions without being too descriptive and florid. My issue is the comedic turn. When stories are funny for the sake of being funny, I can’t take the serious moments…well…seriously. Hopefully you can find a balance between comedy and dark fantasy.