|Reviews for Warfront|
| Jinfreak1992 chapter 1 . 7/9/2013
Compared to your other stories, i like how this one is told most through the eyes of our character...(other stories seemed to function with a distant observer). That being said, there is still the challenge of exploring the dimensions of your character. Unfortunately i couldnt see this, and much of this has to do with the plot in my opinion. This could just be me, but i am going to be nitpicking on certain plot holes.
1. The explosion
Im not quite sure i like your decision to short handedly write the painful experience at all. I mean the guy has blacked out after all, he wouldnt feel pain
Next, waking up to a ear splitting explosion, dnt you think our character would be dealing with massive disorientation? Loss of hearing? Numbness from maybe a lost body part? Sores and aches? To list just a few. Most importantly, wouldnt it make sense for Jesse to find out who is alive, only to be horrifed at the silent remains around him, Especially following his episode of trying to move around. My basic point is that this part was not sufficently thought through... It takes away the human element of your character Jesse ( how and why does he even get discharged? May be relevant)
2. The knock on the door
I will just be blunt about this, you were incredibly repetitive thematically speaking, and in a rather boring manner. I think its quite clear that our character already questions his status as sole survivor already, that suffices as a monologue or two. Also, it is not the survivor that tells the deceased, most often, another officer, call, or mail is sent to the KIA officers family and loved ones before jesse is out of the hospital...let say he is the one giving the news, i highly doubt the first thing the loved ones say will be why are you alive? Especially since he isnt the CO of the KIA officers...wouldnt it make more since the person break down, lose coherent speech, among other things. Something to think about. If i had to say the biggest flaw though, its that your descriptions only describe the mood, and do not paint the scene. I have a hard time empathizing with any of the characters, especially the patient others, and thus your story just falls apart in these points most especially here.
| The Golden Orchid chapter 1 . 1/21/2013
Your writing is so beautiful and deep. i wish i could write like you do :)