|Reviews for Twelve Days that changed a life|
| Jax Creation chapter 1 . 10/8/2012
Opening: I thought this was executed very well, I use the concept of darkness quite a lot and I know that it can be difficult to make awakening to it sound dark and ominous instead of cheesy. Congratulations you succeeded in making it eerie and drawing me in.
The first scene really captivated me. Was it dark? Yes. Was it mysterious? Yes. Were the characters enigmatic? Yes. You made me ask questions and want to know more about this world. To be honest, I think that the ending to the first scene is a much better hook to keep the reader reading than the ending of the second. I would actually swap the two around as the "Balik/Midnight" seems like more of a prologue to the prologue, than the other way around. (If that makes any sense at all? Basically, I would use Balik/Midnight's section as a prologue to the main character, Rilanna's awakening because to me, it makes more sense to introduce the main character *after* this mysterious event occurs.)
Spelling/Grammar: Keep an eye out when you proofread, there are a couple of silly errors. For example:
["I'm sorry" he whispered fake-contritely "Sorry that you can't see that I could love you better than him".]
This should be:
["I'm sorry," he whispered fake-contritely. "Sorry that you can't see that I could love you better than him.]
I would also change "fake-contritely" to something a little more elaborate to keep up with the rest of the beautiful prose you've been using. Perhaps something like: "his voice laced with fake contrite".
I'd also like to say, "show, don't tell", particularly when it comes to describing characters appearances. This is a real pet peeve of mine. Characters looking in mirrors and describing themselves drives me *insane*. Don't know why, it just does...
Over-all plot: The premise is very interesting, it really keeps me engaged. What is "pre-awakening Intelligence"? Who is this Ancient Fier? What is Noir? Immortals and humans is an age old plot, but with your beautiful writing style I think you can really pull it off!
Looking forward to reading more of your work. :3
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 2 . 9/29/2012
Opening: I like the opening simile: [...toting his backpack like a knight would carry a sword.] Very heroic, made cute by the fact that it's just a school boy. And a nice grabber detail for the first sentence.
Characters: While the concept of nerds and bullies is fairly cliche, it doesn't seem like "Dave" is going to be a major, re-occurring character, and I like Ray so far. He's not whiny - just resigned - and he plans ahead (expecting Dave would be cranky, for instance), so that's a nice shift from emo nerds who wallow in self-pity.
Writing: There are a couple points where the style/flow feels a bit awkward. For one, in your opening sentence you say "the boy". When you say it that way, it suggests that the reader already knows *which* boy is being spoken about, and we don't yet, so I would say either "A boy" or just "Ray" and introduce him with his name.
Also, the fourth paragraph is too thick. It's eleven lines long and would be a lot easier to tackle if you split it in half somewhere around the middle. Eyes start to get lost in the text when paragraphs are too long.
Technical/grammar: ["The habitual downside to being a nerd" he thought "was that people treated you like their slave.] Since this is a thought, I would take away the dialogue quotes and simply make it italicized. If you really want to use quotes, I would emphasize it's a thought by using single quotes - 'The habitual downside to being a nerd,' he thought... - instead of double. Regardless of what you choose, though, there should be a comma after nerd and a comma after thought. And if you use quotes of any sort, there ought to be a closing quote after 'slave'.
[Ashley was a bitch, and a slut, she was also predictable.] This is two separate sentences, the second one starting after "slut".
[(Or so he was certain, as he was yet to open the report card)] Since this is included within the sentence you stick it inside, you don't need to capitalize the 'o' in 'or'.
Not bad though; good luck as you continue this. :)
| Smarty chapter 1 . 9/29/2012
Well, since our mutual friends would rather come off as ignoramusi (ignoramuses?) I'd like ti pitch in my ten cents. Make the POV's longer. I can kind of predict the plot, so shake it up a little.
| Toughy chapter 1 . 9/29/2012
I like it. third person is sounding wierdie from you though
| Ammi chapter 1 . 9/29/2012
well, I must say, start is promising...
| Mooni chapter 1 . 9/29/2012
I like the 1st, 3rd thingie. better than F/I that way. Far less confusing.
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 9/29/2012
Opening: You start off decently. By the second sentence I am wondering what pre-awakening "Intelligence" is that it deserves to be capitalized like that, so you have my attention, and that's important.
Characters: I have a fairly big problem with your character's name. In particular, her middle name "Ebony". I'm not sure if you've even heard of it, but the most dramatized, worst-written, horrible Mary Sue story *ever* featured a lead female character named Ebony. That aside, it doesn't fit with the rest of her name. She has a fantasy name first name, and a fantasy name last name, but her middle name is a color? It doesn't make any sense. (If you just changed her middle name or got rid of the middle name, though, it would be acceptable.)
Technical/grammar: You have quite a few grammar errors in this. ["Rilanna Fier, bringer of the Divide stand." her voice was smooth, melodic.] Since this isn't a dialogue tag, the 'h' in 'her' should be capitalized.
[...beautiful, but deadly" Ancient Fier explained "and you are immortal...] there should be a comma after 'deadly' and after 'explained'.
[...natural causes after 2000 years, two being 1000, one being 500.] You should write out those numbers. "500" looks especially silly. It's a novel, not a stats chart.
Writing/style: Grammatical errors aside, you have a nice enough style, and I think you have a good story going, but when I got to the point of view change, I was frustrated again. I've seen several people try to write from multiple first person perspectives. In my experience, it is almost always god awful. Occasionally it works out alright. I have yet to find a story where I actually think it works really well.
If you want to write from multiple people's perspectives, I strongly recommend simply writing in third person. It's so much more effective.