|Reviews for Reinhard|
| Complex Variable chapter 2 . 10/13/2012
[The Big O.] - - - Don't abbreviate until you've told us what it is that you're abbreviating.
[look at me with his weary hopeless eyes.] - - - "look at me with his weary, hopeless eyes."
[The gist of it, the core of the matter was – that they had our eyes on us. That he (the big O.) should keep his eye on us. So we would not; our eyes should be our eyes and our eyes alone and we should not stick our eyes, aye, eye should not. An eye for an eye for an eye and if we didn't look out we'd lose one for ourselves (an eye). The usual thing.] - - - I loathe Gertrude Stein (both as a person and as an "artist"). This passage reminds me of her work. It is cruel to do this sort of thing to your reader—particularly in a context as sparsely narrated as this.
[Which was good because at that point I didn't really feel I had the hand-eye eye-hand (eye) coordination thing down. Completely.] - - - same goes for this, too.
[Couldn't blame 'em, he was tired.] - - - first, I would replace the comma with a semi-colon. Second, " 'em" is an abbreviation for "them," not "him."
As a rule, I never EVER write anything in a dialect-style/contraction-style until AFTER I know what they're saying. For example, you wrote: "Could not blame them, he was tired." This doesn't make much sense—and, given how nebulous the narrator is (at least, he is by my standards) not making sense is something you cannot afford to do. If you want the dialect thing, try " 'im" —short for "him".
[His voice was red. "I'll have you shot." Encased in fury.] - - - ["I'll have you shot," he roared. His voice was red, and encased in fury.]
Once again, I am dreadfully confused by all of this. Far too sparse; it's like you're trying to dig through a mountain using a sewing needle, rather than a gigantic power drill and dynamite. Sparse writing is okay—in fact, you are quite skilled at it—but, it mandates a correspondingly simpler plot. The power of minimalism is that, by reducing the overall "power" of your prose, it makes the strong strokes that you DO make seem far more potent, in comparison. This re-working of emphasis is most effective, in my opinion, in conveying simple—highly emotional—circumstances. Rebellions and domineering tyrants, not so much. XD
| Complex Variable chapter 1 . 10/13/2012
[Everybody'd hushed down when we entered (even though we weren't the only ones there), made a real point to not look at us.] - - - I would change the comma after the ")" mark to a semi-colon and put a "they" between that semi-colon and "made".
[Seemed willing. To budge from barracks.] - - - non-sentences.
[The rest were a real cagey lot, jumpy, mostly new guys, mostly just off the boat (metaphorically speaking).] - - - "The rest were a real cagey lot; mostly new guys; mostly just..."
[He told us sternly.] - - - I would add a comma between "us" and "sternly".
[I focused on his sleeve. "
I'm working on a cocktail," I told Him. "Sound of thunder, struck by lightning."] - - - Typo: the beginning quote mark for "I'm working..." is hanging at the end of the previous line. Also, does "Him" need to be capitalized?
Okay, so, I get that the narrator is part of a secret society/resistance movement of some sort—the dialogue exchange starting at "I'm working on a cocktail" sounds suspiciously like a code-phrase, or other kind of secret, in-the-know dialogue.
However—and this is problematic—in general, I'm confused as all hell. Taken together, vagueness of your narrator/narration (for example, I can't tell whether your narrator is telling us his thoughts, or if he's describing something—and, what are the parantheticals all for?), the sparseness of your prose (the lack of details, explanations, background info, and exposition), and the complexity/subtleties of this scene make it difficult for me to figure out what's going on. This would work slightly better if you reduced the number of characters present to just the narrator and the bartender (?). However, IMO, you need to flesh this out with details. Right now, it feels like I'm only skirting at the edges of your first-person-narrator's consciousness (or maybe even subconsciousness), rather than smack-dab in the middle of his thought processes, as it should be.
| TheDarkArtist chapter 1 . 10/12/2012
I'm defninitely interested in reading more of this. I love stories that involve the spirit realm and how writers (such as yourself) interpret that onto page. This is a dialogue driven chapter, whether it be internal or voiced. That's great and helps move the story along quickly. I read a lot where it's too bogged down with description and you feel like you're suffocating. However, I look forward to reading more and seeing how you take to the descriptive side of storytelling.
Excellent start to a story! Keep it up.
| True Talker chapter 2 . 9/28/2012
| True Talker chapter 1 . 9/25/2012
This is most definitely created and written quite well. Thank you for sharing this.