|Reviews for Frayed|
| wisedec4u chapter 1 . 11/14/2012
Wow. This would definitely be a great opening. I gives you background, but doesn't bog you down with details and I like how you seem to be talking in both a literal and metaphorical way. It makes want to dig deeper because there is can certain degree of mystery here. The last sentence is foreboding enough to make you want read further to find out what has left him in this torn and frayed state. I don't have any will criticism on your writing. You have unique voice and I enjoyed reading this.
| UltraAgnostic chapter 1 . 11/2/2012
Exceptional, as usual.
Eye - Smashing Pumpkins
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 10/19/2012
I really love the rhythm in this; I think that's the most powerful aspect of the story. I'd love to hear this read out loud by you because I think you'd be able to perform this really well, and it would be interesting to hear what words you'd stress and so forth. Also, I've noticed that your beginning lines are typically wonderful hooks. In this story, the hook gives off the immediate need to know more about what "he imagined," so great job with that. My interest was immediately piqued. I think what makes this flash fiction have such a great rhythm to it is the italicized words - they're placed just sparingly enough to not force the emphasis down the reader's throat, but enough to keep up a fast paced tempo. I also think the repetition, like in the lines "he wishes that could happen. He wishes he could relearn things. He wishes he could forget..." help give it almost a stream-of-conscious feel. I'd suggest to be wary of a few overly wordy sentences, though, like:
"He wishes he could forget the names of the three men that technically abducted him but untechnically were his best friends."
because I feel like it broke up the faster pace for me. I think all it needs is to be rephrased.
[Their agent-and he had a name, it was Victory, they could have said that-threw himself in front of his 'friend'( who he hated, and also had a name: Purgatory)to save Purgatory's life.]
Edit: This is just a little punctuation nit-picking. The dashes you're using here (between agent and and, then again between that and threw) aren't the correct way to format them. If you're using Microsoft Word, you'll need to do two dashes between the words to link them together. If you're not using Microsoft Word, you'll want to put spaces between the words and the dash, like so:
"Their agent - and he had a name... ...that - threw himself in front of his..."
The way it looks now, it looks like agent-and is one word. It's not a big deal, but it can affect the overall presentation... and since this strikes me as something you'd want to read rapidly, tripping up over punctuation can impact a cold (first) reading. Also, the spaces next to the parenthesis are a little messed up.
[So he sits in dead silence and listen to them try to break the code that is his mind.]
Edit: - listens. Also, as a suggestion, if you wanted to make this sentence tighter you could say:
"So he sits in dead silence and listens to them try to break his mind's code."
Also, "dead silence" is sort of a cliche description due to how often it's used. Maybe that would be a good place for a unique, specific detail or description about the character and/or his past?
| Jax Creation chapter 1 . 10/8/2012
Ooooh this is chilling... the tone of the narration is wonderful. You convey His cynicism really well through excellent word choice and sentence structure. Beautiful prose, I must say.
The premise here is awesome. The last few lines are a fantastic hook, it really makes me want to read more! To find out what happened in the lead up to this, and what will become of Him now.
Wonderful work :3
| stuck in bed chapter 1 . 10/5/2012
I really like this prologue; it builds up a good sense of mystery and introduced your character (sort of). I especially enjoyed the last few lines. They were short but very effective. The last line also wrapped up your prologue well, in the sense that it related to your title.
The tiny thing I'd have to note is that you use commas when they're not needed or when another sort of punctuation could be used. And a small typo (minor, really) is that when you wrote: "( who he hated, and also had a name: Purgatory)", the space between the opening bracket and the "who" isn't necessary.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 9/28/2012
I actually really enjoyed this prologue, for multiple reasons. One, I liked this mystery you've created in such a short amount of words. What exactly happened to him? What did he see? What exactly broke him down? All those questions were left in my mind when I finished the last sentence, which means it left me wanting more.
I also like this tensed/unnerved, almost story book telling tone that the speaker has. It really draws the reader in, at least it did for me.
Overall, I enjoyed this opening, and I'm curious as to where this will all go. :D
| Persevera chapter 1 . 9/28/2012
I like the mystery in the sentence "Abducted as a child...". I'm curious what would have made him want to go with his abductors.
I also like "He's not worried, because they never will" It suggests that they can't break him, not because he's smarter, but because there's nothing left to break
| Zachary Fice chapter 1 . 9/28/2012
I like the chaos of this. It's interesting to be put in a position as I read where I am not sure whether I can even trust the voice of the main character or not. Do I believe him? Or do I believe his captors? It certainly sets me up to wonder.
For a first chapter, I do feel a little off balance though. Although I am interested, I am left wishing I knew a little bit more about what exactly is going on. I think this is a good start, though.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 9/27/2012
Elric! *glomp* Long time no see.
[Aw, but] – the “Aw” sounds rather odd there. Perhaps something a little less…emotional I guess.
[He wishes he could forget the names of the three men that technically abducted him but untechnically were his best friends.] – I love the wording of that line. The way you juxtapose “technically” and “untechnically” gives a really good indication (in a somewhat abstract manner) as to the relationship and naivety of the omnipresent narrator. I also like how, as a prologue, you haven’t given too much concrete information here. That helps develop the mysterious air around the circumstances. A good lead-up to your titled chapters. Looking forward to finding out the backstory/circumstances.
I do think though there were some places you’re overusing commas. Eg. [It's true, though, you gotta believe that it's true.] – a semicolon, EM dash or fullstop would work better as a comma as those clauses function separate. I think a dash would be best with your narrative voice.
| Luckycool9 chapter 1 . 9/27/2012
I liked how we have a concept introducing to a character who is already broken, I also liked how the agents all had names that weren't human to make them seem personified. I disliked the shortness of this chapter because it seems that it does not have enough to be substinal. I also liked his agent name... UPDATE SOON!
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 9/27/2012
Really promising start here, I like how you reveal the information in this. You slowly ease the story and the action for the reader, you don’t rush it, which can be hard with the first chapter of a story. I also liked how you left it very open ended for future chapters, you can go a lot of different ways with this piece.
I didn’t really care for how the main character doesn’t have a name. I’m sure it will come in later, but I feel like the use of “him” and “he” was a bit heavy, and it would help with relating to the character more if he had a first name initially. Keep up the good work.
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 9/27/2012
Neat. I like how this reads *almost* like a first person narrative. You get very close to your MC's voice. Particularly here - [It's true, though, you gotta believe that it's true.] - it sounds like a FPN talking directly to the audience.
The names of his "friends" (or at least, these other people involved) are very curious, too. They make me wonder what's going on, and what 'meaning' there might be behind it all. The biggest drawback is that so far it's a bit confusing, but maybe that can't be helped. Cool start. :)
| cellophanediamond chapter 1 . 9/27/2012
Det? Oh god, Det... I thought Animal was going to be the only survivor.
Just, amazingness, and so freaking sad, ugh I feel so awful! All these emotions here...
Anyway, you know how much I love the Kings:) Keep it up, sweetheart.