|Reviews for Malfunction|
| Flabbergasted Flock chapter 2 . 10/1/2012
This chapter needs a bit more length. Some descriptions would also be good...
| Anxious Axolotl chapter 1 . 9/30/2012
You've got some really awesome ideas going, I love how he turned out to be a robot! I think there are some things that need to be explained a little more but your base ideas are awesome.
[I woke up to my dragon, Bolt, waking up.] As an opening, this sounds kind of awkward. It also doesn't really explain much, how did his dragon waking up wake him up? Also try not to use the same verb too often and/or close together like in this sentence, it comes off sounding a little odd.
[Stretching, I yawned, then patted my oversized pet on its golden head before walking groggily to the kitchen.] Felt a little like adjective overload, description is great but this was a bit too much at once.
[Due to Bolt, every room of my house was enormous,] This was hilarious, but I couldn't help think why didn't he just keep it outside? Or build a giant barn type building for it, rather than basically rebuilding his house? It also would make it really obvious who had an expensive dragon and who didn't if all houses with big, expensive dragons had to be modified like this. Also, wouldn't a dragon with expensive extras like replica skin, complicated realistic AI and fire-breathing capabilites be extremely restricted if they're capable of spying and destruction? And also be too expensive compared to motorcycles for things like transportation?
Don't get me wrong, I love your idea but there's a lot that could be expanded on and that needs to be explained. I can't wait to see what you come up with and what sort of plot you develop from the idea of robo-dragons in modern day. Keep it up!
| Jedaek chapter 1 . 9/30/2012
Where can I get one?! :D Intriguing story so far, high five, wingsoflinesia! (Reminds me of Christopher Paolini's "Eragon" but I'm sure your story will be awesome in a different way)
P.S. Although I'm not keen on poetry generally, I think "Winter" was breath-taking!
| not Ross chapter 1 . 9/29/2012
First of all, please change your summary. Being mean is the furthest thing from my mind (I promise), but it is quite unappealing. You have to give something away to pique a reader's interest; every single book on the planet has a back cover that reveals that the main character is actually a prince or whatever it is - just so long as you don't give away the ENDING, telling us about the character or the setting or where the plot might be headed is a good idea. Also, summaries are not the place to ask if it should be in a different genre. A reader doesn't care because that is completely your decision. And don't apologize for your bad summary. Most people out there (myself included) are terrible at writing summaries, but if you at least put effort into it, people will assume that you at least care about your actual story. If you don't care about your summary, we will assume that you care just as much about the content behind the summary. In addition, "read and review" just wastes the limited number of characters we have to write the thing - it's pretty obvious that you want reviews, or else you wouldn't have bothered to post it. Summary writing is hard, but you should not assume that people will look past a lazy job.
Aside from the summary, I actually really like your writing style. Which is strange, because I cannot STAND typos, which, let's admit, you had more than a few of: you didn't capitalize Bolt's name at all, which is rather absurd. There were a few other things, but your style is engaging enough that I was able to look past them (a rare phenomenon). I feel like the chapter didn't really add much to any kind of plot, except for the very end with the memory thing. Starting with waking up is generally pretty cliche, and it's always a fun challenge to NOT write a story that starts like that. It's a delicate balance between easing the reader into the character (in other words, no suicide notes in Chapter 1; bravo) and slamming us into the plot like it's a refrigerator without giving us ANY background. I think the best advice I can give you to this end is that every scene, no matter how expositional, needs to have TENSION; something that makes the character uncomfortable in some way. Your history of the dragon thing is interesting, but not particularly high-stakes or relating us to the character at this point. A very basic strategy to avoid this would be to put it on a history test in the form of a question and have the character stress over whether he got the answer right. Okay, yes, that would be a little lame and not very well-done, but you get the idea.
I do love your last line (though the sentence is not capitalized... cough cough. Haha). It's spunky and sweet at the same time.
Hope this helps and I haven't offended! Oh, and by the way, don't worry about the whole "won't post till I get a review" thing. It's kind of a tacky game, and it mostly cheats you out of the kind of in-depth reviews you want. Some little 12 year old will come around and say, "update soon plz" which is totally ineffective and probably a waste of your time as a writer. Update when you're ready to, because that's the most fulfilling way to do it. Take it from me :)
| truttlegirl754 chapter 1 . 9/29/2012
Well, I like it! It seems really interesting and I am wondering what the conflict will be. :P