|Reviews for A New Generation|
| Jon Brae chapter 1 . 9/30/2012
I think this has a good plot but a few things made me stumble a bit. Number one is the lack of punctuation. Where you have this:
"Three minutes" she shouts impatiently.
This comes off weird because she's not shouting, she talking monotone. It should be:
"Three minutes!" she shouts impatiently.
Make sure your conveying your meaning with appropriate punctuation.
Also revise this sentence:
"In Gamma are assignments are usually harvesting the fruit from the orchards, or the crops from the fields."
There's something off here but I'll let you decide how you want to fix it. I'm assuming you mean Gamma is a place? or a computer? There's a lot in this story that is assumed we know what it is, but we're left guessing.
Overall I think it's a great start to a good story and once you iron out the wrinkles and shake out the bugs, it will settle nicely into a convincing story. I will follow to see how things evolve and thanks for sharing it!