|Reviews for Flee|
| Anna chapter 1 . 12/21/2012
It's alright. I think you could do more with this, such as adding more description or give some background information. I can't really tell where you're going with this, but you've caught my interest
| My Love Pinwheel chapter 2 . 11/26/2012
Not if the nails were sore and bloody, not if walking was now painful. (The ending is sort of... erupt. You know what repetition is right? I think, if you add something like this again, then add a "and definitely not it..." Or something of the like)
This chapter was nice. I liked it. But it was slightly confusing in the beginning because I thought it was still told in the perspective of X. So, um, make things a little clearer? xD sorry, i'm not trying to be rude or anything... I really like this story :)
| My Love Pinwheel chapter 1 . 11/26/2012
though [the] silence seemed worse
[the] only parts spared from this rotting their heads and bodies, limbs not included, and the rotting parts were replaced. (Also this sentence is a little awkward... I get what you are trying to say but it's worded awkwardly... you know what I mean?)
And yeah, thats about it " sorry if it's not good, I'm not really the best at giving feedback and editing...
| Lulu the Llama chapter 1 . 10/21/2012
"... a dash of demented laughter ..." your word choices are excellent! there's something impossibly gritty about every line, and yet you're dealing with such dark subject matter, but i don't feel like it's over the top melodramatic. that's a difficult thing to pull off.
you can really picture this twisted place.
"A mocking silence." The creature in the cage thought.
I'm not sure, but this should be, "A mocking silence, the creature in the cage thought."
You contradict him; "His dull grey eyes, which seemed to hold intelligence..." i know you are describing the color, but it could be taken as his "unintelligent" grey eyes seemed to hold intelligence, too. haha. maybe describe them as dull later, so the reader is absolute clear to know? this is also just preference, as it threw me out of the story a bit.
"Canine-ish" seems too cute for a story with language so bleak ;)
15 write as "fifteen".
No bold- unprofessional. Simply italicized would work better!
"Patchwork beasts" - ADORE. Beautiful, and so warped!
All in all, you have a powerful prologue. It tells a lot without bogging the reader down, and it managed to perk my interest all the way through. Part of that was your word choices. Honestly, some of the imagery can take a person's breath away!
See ya next chap!
| Guest chapter 2 . 10/21/2012
I'm pretty bad at constructive criticism... So sorry that I'm not giving any.
But I really enjoy this story, the ideas, the characters and the plot seem very interesting and well thought out. Your word choice is great, and honestly drew me into this story more.
Wonderful job! I can't wait to read more.
| TorgoTheWhite chapter 1 . 10/2/2012
They rotted; "they" only parts spared from this rotting their heads and bodies, limbs not included, and the rotting parts were replaced.
I think you meant "the" instead of "they" and missed a "were" between rotting and their? This sentence is also a bit repetitive since you already stated that the only parts spared from the rotting were heads and bodies so you didn't need to mention the limbs.
"Well, we can always make more." He said with a dismissive shrug.
Nothing really wrong here. I just think that using "added" instead of said adds a bit more variation to the text.
which seemed to hold intelligence far beyond a simple animal
I think you need "that of" before beyond.
Stylistically, I think that you went overboard with commas. They are poetic when used sparingly but like any condiment, overuse could spell disaster.
Your choice of words was top notch. I also liked the ample descriptions interspersed throughout the story.