|Reviews for Broken and Bruised|
| Captain Cakewalk chapter 1 . 10/4/2012
This reads a bit like the description of a guro fetish photograph - there isn't any story or emotion, just images stated in a really matter-of-fact way. Your reader doesn't know who this girl is or what happened to her, and doesn't have any reason to care.
If by "story starter" you mean that this is supposed to be the first paragraph of a longer piece, it's not a very good hook. The first part of your story is supposed to draw in readers, but to start out with images of a beaten and bloodied person with no explaination just feels like a cheap trick, and an attempt at being dark or edgy.
Should you ever decide to expand this, I'd recommend taking a few steps back. What led up to this scene? Where is this girl, and how did she get there? You don't have to info dump the girl and her friends' entire life stories, but maybe start out just before things escalated and the girl ended up like this. It'll also give you a chance to show your characters interacting, so that we get a taste of what their personalities are like, and why we should care about what happens to them.
One last note: rape is a heavy subject and, unfortunately, runs rampant in our society. If you ever decide to write, or imply, a rape scene, make sure you understand the effects that has on victims' psyches so that you can portray a raped characters' reactions and recovery in a realistic way. Please keep in mind that it's a very real issue for many people, so keep it tasteful and respectful. If you just want to throw in a rape scene for the sole purpose of making your story seem dark or edgy, don't.
Hope that helps :)