|Reviews for The Path to Redemption|
| GoodbyeHello chapter 1 . 5/9/2013
["If you guess the later..."] "Later" should be "latter".
["School was a different story, I was a shadow, a kid in the background..."] A semicolon after "story" might make more sense than a comma. Also, it might make more sense to end the sentence at "background", and then begin the next sentence with "However" or something similar. "Time" should come after "longest". "Replace" should be "replaced". Also, it might make more sense to end the sentence (the new sentence which was created after ending it at "background") at "my curse".
["This is my life story, all in one piece and not scattered anymore ..."] Instead of "and" after "anymore", it might be better to use a semicolon, or even end the sentence and begin the next with "This is the story of my lonely path" or something similar.
I'm sorry to be so hard on you. I felt the need to point out these errors. But I honestly think it's a good beginning, and I like the last sentence, "Or is it the worst place to start?" It makes me want to read more.
All in all, good job! (It would be even better if these errors were fixed.)
| Revamp chapter 2 . 3/18/2013
I like the dark premise of this story and I wonder what the fate of the main character will be? I'm interested in seeing what happens next.
| Revamp chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
I love dark stories like this, and I don't find many that I like on most occasions because they follow typical vampire cliches but this one seems original. I like that you have taken new approaches to it.
I also love your dark premise and your sound charactetization. Great job on this. I'll be adding it to my favorites as well.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 12/29/2012
[When I was born people always said I was destined got good deeds] – destined to get as opposed to got? Also, I think it might be a good idea to put a comma after “born” as the sentence stretches a little without pause. Also, if we’re talking about good and bad deeds in a religious scene as the title seems to imply, I don’t think it’s a good idea to use a synonym (ie. horrific) as opposed to bad to describe the bad deeds; that detaches from the religious symbolism. [If you guess the later] – latter as opposed to later. [I forgot to tell you my name didn't me?] – a comma after “name” and it’s didn’t “I”. [, but Chris Howard has been mentally dead for the longest] – longest? If this is part of the narrative voice, there are better ways to show the breakdown of English grammar and syntax, and more natural. They’re too sparse and random for me to be able to see them like that so I’m assuming they’re simply spelling/grammatical errors. [was a different story, I was a shadow] a semicolon (or a colon even), particularly as you follow up with an explanation. There’s more, but I think you can catch them with a proofread.
I like the way you begun this narration; you’ve immediately started off with a general statement and a question whose answer could, as far was we as readers know, be completely biased. That leads to an interesting approach to the rest, as you’ve immediately established this narrator as somewhat unreliable, so I’m automatically on the lookout for hints. On the other hand, I don’t like how you’ve put the prologue into one big block of text and posted it with the first chapter; I think that lessens the impact of both, and you can easily put paragraph breaks to make the block of text that’s the prologue easier to read, and then present the first chapter separately. I also think you could have fleshed the first chapter out a little more. I can’t find myself feeling any sympathy for the character, even if the events invite sympathy; the writing is a little barebone and not filled with emotion or even that dead voice like one locking something away. It honestly feels more like somebody’s just writing a made-up story as opposed to somebody narrating what has happened to them; even if Chris has been conditioned not to feel anything of the past anymore, there should be something there. A voice of hollowness, or maybe even work in subtle pains which I think fits better for the theme of redemption.
| wisedec4u chapter 1 . 10/24/2012
I really commend you for having the courage to put you work out here for us to read. You story definitely shows promise. However, there are quite a few error throughout (which I'm sure other reviewers have pointed out) that distract from your writing. For instance, the very first line of your prologue has the word 'got' in it which makes the awkward. In the next sentence you have later instead of latter. To error is human, but it would serve you well to do more proofreading before posting. Also, you did too much telling and not enough showing in this chapter. The dialogue felt very stilted between the Werewolf/Vampire and Chase. The dialogue and emotion didn't seem genuine for seven year old boy. I would suggest lengthening the chapter and giving us more details of Chase being turned. That doesn't mean we want to hear the Vampire explain it to the child step by step. I mean actually showing the reader what the vampire is doing to him and how it is effecting the child - his pain, his fear, the metamorphosis. I hope this helps. Good luck.
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 10/10/2012
I liked how your main character Chase retained his sarcasm even after his parents had just been killed, but I’m questioning the motivation behind that attitude. You mention early on that he’s seven so I wonder if the dialogue you have is not age appropriate for the character of the situation.
I feel like the chapter was very short. It read more like a scene rather than a chapter with a traditional beginning/middle/end, so I would have liked to see more detail and plot development. You don’t really leave the reader with anything beyond the initial meet/greet with the characters.
| professional griefer chapter 1 . 10/10/2012
I didn't like this as a first chapter, because you're just explaining everything and leaving nothing to the imagination.
I also didn't care for your dialogue, because you're having them explain everything to each other. Who tells someone who's just turned them into a vampire what their new name is going to be? And also, who explains that they've turned someone into a vampire? You're just explaining everything, and it gets kind of boring.
I did like your first paragraph, with a few more commas it could be a cool hook into this world.
| Anihyr Moonstar chapter 1 . 10/6/2012
I like the sort of childlike innocence Chase has in relation to both the truth of the situation, and the changes in his own body. Because he doesn't know know better, he doesn't panic and simply goes with it.
Sometimes, though, the narration doesn't *feel* like it's describing a seven-year-old. "My sarcasm overtook my fear..." for instance. Sarcasm isn't usually a kid-like trait in the first place, and even if they were a snotty kid starting to make some comments that could be deemed sarcastic, I have a hard time believing it would be strong enough to drown out such a powerful emotion as fear in a child so young.
| Highway Unicorn chapter 1 . 10/6/2012
[...always said I was destined (got) good deeds if...] should be "...always said I was destined for good deeds if..."
[I forgot to tell you my name didn't (me)? ] should be "I forgot to tell you my name, didn't I?"
[I was seven when it, no I mean he murdered my parents and made me his child.] I think in order to make this sentence better, you should put a dase instead of a comma after "it" and italize "he".
I like the plot, I really do. It's interesting, and on the gorey side, which is good because I would hate to have to read another story where vampires sparkle and wolfs are cuddly. But it appears you're not heading in that fluffy direction, so good. :)
What I don't like is how you present the information, or more so, how the speaker speaks. He's bascially telling us what's happening, and not showing.
| LordOfTheZombies chapter 1 . 10/5/2012
originality in a highly used supernatural feild is very uncommon, and I really like this story. I would love to read more of it.