Reviews for Liam: Opening Act: November 2009
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 12/16/2012
Good basis for a story, but I do feel some of it was rushed. It moves really fast, and it's hard to really get a grasp on what's going on. I think in some places you could slow down the pace a bit, allow the reader to really feel for what the characters are going through. Some lovely descriptions, especially near the end when he's painting. ["Liam McCallister," he knew he was one of many adorers] Watch out for that - it should be a full-stop after his name and 'He knew' with a capital H. It's only a comma and lower-case if it's a speech tag. (he said, she whispered, etc.) Some of the dialogue feels a bit off -
["You have nowhere to go!" Rearden hissed angrily.

"Anywhere else!"] The 'anywhere else' doesn't really feel natural. Although it makes sense, it doesn't read quite right. Maybe play around with the dialogue to see where you could change it. And watch out for times when sentences are longer than they have to be; ["I'm in the same state as I always am."] could be simplified to "I'm in the same state as always." Things like that would help it seem more natural, too.
Unweighted Book Author chapter 1 . 10/15/2012
Too many said-bookisms. That's what stood out to me. I'd say that overall your choice of dialogue tags is actually pretty good, such as when Liam 'demanded' an answer. It's not redundant and emphasizes the dialogue. However, you use this technique in excess and sometimes it doesn't fit so well. It's impossible to hiss what Rearden said, for example, as there are no 's' consonants in the sentence.

Tension is handled masterfully. Despite the rollercoaster of emotions that the story runs through, it never suffers from mood whiplash, thanks to a gradual build up during the high tension section, which slowly dies down as the chapter concludes. So good job on that.