Reviews for The Humanity Complex
Lucy chapter 3 . 1/2/2013
That pleb below me has no fucking clue. Twat.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 3 . 10/13/2012
Review courtesy of the Review Marathon. Link in my profile!

What happened? D: Do you usually have a beta and they bailed on you? The first chapter was stupendous, the last two chapters haven't been riddled with spelling mistakes, but they are nowhere near the quality of the first chapter.

Okay, well, first, I didn't really like this chapter because it's deviating from the main story. I feel like the whole apartment shooting thing was the real problem, not this background info stuff. Actually I think if you had limited all the background info to just what was in the last chapter and continued with the main story, it would make things a lot more interesting. I'll be honest, reading about Joe's training and the people he met at the CIA isn't very exciting. It actually makes his secret agent life suddenly very drab.

I do like Zyra's character. She seems like she'll be antagonistic toward Joe, and possibly a future rival. Maybe even one of the people who is coming after him. I liked that her character was debuted as being angry and not friendly. It gives her immediate dimension and makes me wonder what she's like when she's not angry.

I wish you the best of luck in all your writing! And hey, if you really did have a beta who bailed on, send a PM my way. I really like your story, especially the first chapter. I think this has good potential.

Velvet.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 2 . 10/13/2012
There were certain aspects of your writing that I didn't enjoy in this chapter.

[This bank just so happened to be the wrong place and the wrong time.] This sentence, for instance. A bank can't really be a wrong time. I think if you merged this sentence with the one preceding it, you'll still say the same thing.

Speaking of which, your opening sentence was very weak in my opinion. "Had been" is passive voice and passive voice can be a little boring to read. Believe me when I say this. I always have to check myself because I like to use passive voice in my writing, too.

Here's just a example of what you could edit in for the opening: "When Joe was seven years old, he went to the bank with his father."

I didn't use "wrong place at the wrong time" because I think armed men busting in pretty much already says that for me.

[Another trait which (although rarer) is a characteristic in some people, is to remain completely calm, take everything as it comes and some may even find the courage to stand up to the villain of the situation.]

I understand where you were going with that sentence, but it is just awkward. I think it's the mention of a "trait" and "characteristic" which were not mentioned before. And where it starts "and some", I feel like that could be it's own sentence.

[and it appears that either no one there was brave enough to pull him to the ground] And finally, you slipped tenses here. It should be "appeared".

Another thing I didn't really like about this chapter was the dialogue. Well, not specifically the way they were talking to each other. I thought that was very realistic, but it was the dialogue tags and some grammar surrounding it.

["Mum died just after I was born and dad's in there." he said quietly] That period should be a comma.

["Not everyone." He replied coldly. "My dad's still in there."] Period should be a comma, "He" should be "he", and this last one is probably just something I have become pampered with, but I strongly suggest you continue to use the word "said" in your dialogue tags.

All these superfluous dialogue tags: "replied", "asked", "remarked", what have you, they really detract from the story. If something ends in a question mark, we know it was asked. If it ends in italics, we know it was stressed. We don't need the author to tell us these things. All the reader needs to know is who said what.

Overall, this snip of background info was interesting to read. It's strange to see that Joe started his training so young, and it makes me even more curious as to who is after him and why.

Velvet.
VelvetyCheerio chapter 1 . 10/13/2012
Review courtesy of the Review Marathon. Link in my profile!

Wow, wow, wow! What a way to start a story! I love that this started with something as simple as the aftermath of a big party. It really threw me when the action picked up. I actually thought that maybe Joe just lived in a bad neighborhood. XD Awesome work on drawing me in with such a surprising turn of events, I wasn't expecting that.

I like Joe's character and the relationship he has with his friends. Joe isn't arrogant in his wealth, and that instantly makes him stand out. It makes me wonder what kind of life he had when he was very alone and didn't have money. The relationship he has with Ralph and Peter seems very close, like they met in college or at a bar and were "bros" ever since. I loved the scene where they're just kind of staring at his forehead, but still answering his question at the same time. It's a really good example of their closeness.

Though, I'm surprised they weren't laughing, because I probably would have been. XD

One mistake:

[The third guest, Owen, spoke up shyly, looking at his feet.
"Yeah, please."] Forget to space this correctly.

Other than that, great story so far. I thought your ending was kind of weak, being an unfinished thought and all, but for the sake of the content, I am able to overlook it.

Velvet.
ForeverWithin chapter 2 . 10/13/2012
Really, really, REALLY good chapter(s). couple of really nice cliffhangers, particularly here- in my head, I literally went, 'DUN DUN DUUUUUUN...'
It's a little hard for me to properly judge how this story's going to go, but it looks like it's going to turn out really well. Keep up the hard work (and maybe bring the rating up to a T? Depends how you feel), live long and prosper.
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